monsterhood
by rantywoman
I’ve never been interested in dating a man with children; I’ve written on here before that I don’t think we’d be able to relate to each other.
That belief has hugely limited my pool of available partners, of course, but after reading Stepmonster by Wednesday Martin, I think I dodged a bullet. According to Martin, not only do stepmothers have it much tougher than stepfathers, but childless stepmothers tend to have it the toughest of all. I can’t imagine coping with all the tension that seems endemic to the role.
Although Martin eventually found her footing with her husband and stepkids, the reviews of the book on Goodreads confirm that stepmotherhood is no walk in the park.
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Saying you have no interest in dating men with children is narrowing down the field quite a bit. (And I find this a litter surprising from someone who wants children.) That’s like saying I’ll never date a man previously married. At our age, that could be quite a few.
Off the top of my head I can think of three friends who dated/married men with children from previous marriage. Another foster then adopted three kids on her OWN before she began dating a man who had a daughter from a previous marriage. And, these were all women in their late 30s/early 40s.
So there’s been a few nightmare stories. You’re not thinking of all the wonderful situations where it worked out fine. Or maybe the relationship didn’t but it wasn’t necessarily because of children.
Ranty, what ever happened to being open to the possibilities? And not shutting something down without even trying it?
Let’s just say I’m hesitant, although I’ve heard a positive story or two. If you read the reviews of the book, though, you’ll see that difficulties are common.
I’m sure there are but that’s not necessarily the same thing as deciding up front you don’t want to be a stepmom and therefore will just avoid men with children. Looking at the book and the reviews, I think the content if anything is some guidance of what you might encounter. No specific answers, just validation of the challenges. Its hard to imagine the author or reviewers regretting her marriage altogether because of this. Especially something that may be tackled with better communication or therapy or other outlets.
I’m with you here Ranty, having never had it as a dating rule, I fell head over heels in love with a twice divorced father of 3. I was quite taken with the idea of being a step mum and had all sorts of fantasies about a ready made family etc. The reality was quite different and even after 3 years together, the two youngest still hated me (or more accurately what I represented ie the woman stopping their dad from being with their mum even though they were 2 years divorced when we met) and I couldn’t accept that for the next 10 years of my life. It was heart breaking and frustrating. Now, at the age of 40, I steer well clear of men with kids. However men in their 40’s without kids or without a mad/angry ex wife in tow are, without exception in my experience, few and far between and invariably weird in a variety of ways which is why theyve never paired up for any length of time. Slim dating pickings indeed.
Agreed. I think you would get a lot out or reading that book, btw. You are certainly not alone in your experience.