doors
by rantywoman
I related to the reader comments on this article, especially the one about the workplace, as that has been my experience:
http://www.theatlanticwire.com/entertainment/2012/07/real-trouble-making-friends-middle-age/54637/
I do think there’s a point though. A lot of the easy doors for making friends get closed off as one gets older. As the author notes opportunity needs to be there, and an environment that encourages mixing.
Unfortunately in many jobs as one becomes more senior (not just in age) those opportunities go away. You have less time, have to keep distance from subordinates, and so forth. Also, the pool does dry up to some degree as folks you might want to spend time with “drop out” due to life changes.
I think that it’s important not to artificially close people off, say simply because of age, but it’s still harder than in college by a long margin.
You’ve got a point but I think you’re missing his point that making NEW friends is hard, and good ones – not just acquaintances you can party every now and then, but also enjoy just hanging out and talking with, like the real friends you made growing up, cannot be made by just going to a yoga class or a basketball game and striking a conversation up – even for singles! As someone who’s been there, it’s hard to make real friends, of course it’s easy to make whatever friends, but when I was single, I just got used to just going out and doing my own things – eating alone until some guy would hit on me, going to fitness classes until someone would talk to me, and shopping by myself until I’d run into an old friend. Of course I had friends I could always party with – roommates and college friends and networked friends from volunteer groups and what not – but that closeness that was felt with my good old friends who were all living far away now – that was something very hard to attain! Sounds more like singles just settle for mediocre friends whereas non singles have to be more picky about their friends since they have less time…?
thebitterbabe 
Have hope, I say. And be open.
Making friends has been relatively easy for me, although of course there has been good times and bad (like the first year I moved here). I find these comments a little perplexing, because although I am 32, all of my friends are 40 and above. There are many many people who have come out of the other side of the baby/divorce tunnel, and are looking to start life again. I can’t believe my best friend is 55, and my friend-dates are sometimes in their 60s. Like real dating, I met many who in the end were not my friends, but if you meet enough people, I feel like you’re bound to connect eventually.
maybe if I moved to a new place now it would be different? it takes a lot of energy to start over, that’s for sure.
After growing apart from some exisiting friend and making some new ones– here are some thoughts/ideas;
1. Going out to places where others are also there to engage with others–such as a group dinner versus a movie, a volunteer event versus a play. (Side note– I live in Los Angeles and am invoked with numerous Jewish groups/synagogues. This is a sure fire, almost guaranteed way to meet new friends– and you do not have to be religous)
2. Follow up with the people you meet who seem interesting. I have attended only a about 5-6 meetup events (some with my husband). but did have a nice talking to four different people. With the exception of one (she contacted me) I did not follow up with anyone. And one guy really seem to want to meet up with me and my husband again.
No good reason why!! I don’t regret it- but realize someone needs to make the first move and it might as well be me! So I am going to follow up people of interest from now on ( but have too busy lately to go any meet ups!)
3. Realize you are not going be friends with everyone. At a couple’s dining out meet up– my husband and I meet another couple– and the two men has a lot to talk about. We saw them at another event–I thought they could be a good couple to go for dinner with— but I found both of them to be extremely boring and stiff!! Just like dating-it is either there or it isn’t!!
Also, I once went to a meet up group dinner and was seated next a snobby woman who got quite drunk, ignored me and spent most of the evening screaming over me to her friend at the end of the table. I unfortunately took her behavior personally as I am wont to do!! But then realized meetup groups revolving going out to expensive dinners and drinking lots and lots of wine are not my thing! I have a much better time at artistic, cultural and intellectual events.
4. Not to be too picky with people who do interest you– ie letting small things go!! When younger I know I wrote off people for stupid things.
5. Trying to make friends with other couples with out children is a lot like attending a single’s event. Just because two people are single does mean they are compatible just as because two couples are DINKs doesn’t mean they should be friends.
Lately I have been very busy with my work and spending free time with my husband and the friends I do have– which is fortunately not that small of a number! But am going to get out to some events in the upcoming months.
So yes- I am open and hopefully to meet some new people!
Thanks, all good suggestions, except I was always under the impression I needed to be Jewish to attend Jewish events. I tend to love a lot of events that involve me being an audience member, which is problematic. I used to really love dancing because it was all about interacting with others.
I am finding lately that most of my friends are under 30, over 40 and divorced, or gay– they seem to be the groups open to and looking for friends.
Yes, it is probably for the best to be Jewish or strongly strongly interested in Judiasm. I mentioned Jewish events as something that worked for me… Not an out right suggestion for you per se.
I don’t know what other faith based groups/events are like first hand, but I have heard Oasis Church on Whilshire Blvd. has a diverse and engaging crowd. Also there is Agape (sp?). that attracts a lot of people.
Have you tried a Sierra Club group? I know people who have really connected with others via Sierra club. I guess the trick is to find one groups and attend regularily. I don’t know if it is still around– but I heard stories about how much fun the international group was.
I did try the Sierra Club in my smaller city but haven’t looked into it here. A bunch of events have come up this month– maybe not the best way for building relationships, but I also like to have some free time to go to special things that come up. I wanted to take scuba lessons but the time commitment concerned me because conflicts always seem to happen. Even going on vacation I ended up missing some special events I would have liked to have attended.
Also– one thing in LA I have noticed– unless you have BFF who lives closr by–you need to have quite a lot of casual friends if you want to have plans all the time. Between everyone schedule’s, sometimes you can only see people once every month or two.
You’re right– I have no BFF but a handful of casual friends and it seems that suddenly I’ve gathered a few more (just after I complained about being lonely). Coordinating is a bitch though. Often I have to forget the idea of inviting others along with me because it would cause too much complication.