worth
by rantywoman
One of the things that I’ve experienced as a fortysomething woman who has never been married is that the “worst thing” has happened to me, not just once, but many times over. This trend accelerated during my thirties.
I vaguely recall some scene in the TV series My So-Called Life in which the adolescent character played by Claire Danes crumpled into a crying heap on the floor in response to a romantic disaster. I’m here to confess that I was still that person in my thirties and forties.
Some examples of my “worst things”: In my early thirties, being seriously smitten for two years with a younger man and witnessing him announce his engagement in a very public setting. Falling for another man in my thirties only to realize he had serious mental health issues. In my mid-thirties, being burned while making attempts to socialize and date with another single woman who turned out to be the least pleasant person ever; within a year she was dating someone and is now married with two kids. Finding out that the first man who seriously broke my heart is now married to the “love of his life” and has a couple of kids (thanks Facebook). Finding out that everyone from my past, in fact, seems to be married with kids (again, thanks Facebook). In my late thirties, finding someone who seemed perfect for me only to have him repeatedly say he wasn’t ready for a commitment; he eventually disappeared on me during a health crisis. Being cheered up by another man, a flirt, and developing another crush only to have him get back with his on-and-off girlfriend and get married. At forty, starting afresh, meeting someone with whom I had the best sex of my life, only to have him pull the vanishing act on me, leaving me in a fugue state for weeks. Meeting another seemingly sensitive, introspective man a few months later, mid-forties, going on several dates with him in which lots of intimate sharing was done, only to have him dump me immediately after our first intimate encounter because I have pubic hair (yes, really). Watching my best childhood friends get married and have kids right before the “finish line” of their forties. And on and on, up to this recent poorly-received (by me) “good news” of another not-so-nice person.
Now I admit, I also have rejected people, and I regret that I have also had to cause some pain, although I always tried to be as sensitive as possible about it.
One upshot of all this is that I’ve become remarkably resilient. The worst will happen (again), I’ll cry into my pillow, and a few months later I may actually stumble in trying to recall the heartbreaker’s name. Another upshot is that I’ve had to develop a sense of worth irrespective of how I’m being treated or received socially. This, my friends, is not so easy to do, but as the Buddhists know, a sense of detachment is ultimately the only path of contentment.
I’m comforted by an unlikely source– the life of Herman Melville. Moby-Dick was a flop, and Melville spent the last few decades of his life toiling in obscurity as a shipping clerk. In other words, how we are received is not always a reflection of our worth–the older single woman’s mantra.
I am really glad you have a venue to express your pain here. It’s not easy talking about this stuff, especially the intimate stuff. I hope it brings healing.
Re: the pubic hair issue. At one time I was reading all this stuff online as to whether or not shave. I learned it has a lot of implications for one’s love life and maybe even self-esteem. I remember when I first came across the whole shaving issue my personal reaction was “What else must we do to be loved and accepted”? I actually felt personally hurt at this new “requirement” from women. I am sorry he didn’t give you more of a chance just because of that. Dating can be so painful.
My not so happily married friend checks out her exes on FB all the time, often in the middle of the night. I think she gets pain from it but also some kind of satisfaction. Me, no. I will not check out any ex that will make me feel sad. Or I haven’t done it yet.
What’s “funny” about that situation is I had spent the entire day getting ready for the date– buying a new outfit, getting my hair done, a pedicure, etc.– only to be told that he liked someone more “groomed.” Again, I can only laugh. Also, it’s hard to predict who that is going to be an issue for as it hadn’t been with prior men. And there’s a section in “Why Love Hurts” about this new pressure on women to be super-sexy.
This is also interesting:
http://www.salon.com/2012/08/12/the_war_on_pubic_hair_salpart/
Ah yes. I read tons on Salon on this topic. I am glad they are talking about it.
Here is what disturbs me: I think shaving your pubes can be very sexy and fun and can increase intimacy. Nothing wrong with that. For me the sadness comes from being rejected for not doing it. It’s like our natural selves are all the sudden “gross” and unappealing and if a woman wants love, she must acquiesce to the male demand of a bare vulva. That feels like a rejection of our real selves, as women.
Also, the fact that it takes taking a very sharp blade to our most sensitive parts to do it. It’s like we have to risk so much just be “good enough”.
I wonder if men would feel the same if we said “Um, sorry, no bj’s as long as you have body hair. Sorry.” I wonder how they would respond.
Supposedly some women do make those demands. I guess I’m a hippie.
Oh yes, it’s very true. The lesbian community likes it, too.
great lessons learnt. Resilience is the best quality in my humble opinion.
Thank you and welcome. It does seem like like is one thing after another after another…
I love your posts, although hope that doesn’t sound inappropriate given the personal nature of it all.
Thanks, it’s good to know people are reading and relating.
thanks for providing me with a dose of Schadenfreude.
Schadenfreude would imply that there was a time in life where I had my pick of men, which was never the case. Yes, there were more people available when I was younger and thus more people to date, but I had my share of rejection then too, as most women do. There’s not exactly hordes of men in their twenties looking for commitment. I’m sorry if, like 99.9% of the population, you’ve experienced rejection. I’m sorry if the head cheerleader ignored you in tenth grade. But that’s no reason for permanent sour grapes against all womankind. That’s a tired, tired, tired stance that is disconnected from the complexity of reality and shuts down any kind of discussion of depth. It also implies that if a woman hasn’t made a lifetime commitment at, say, 22, as soon as the braces are off and the acne gone, her life is over. Would you say the same for men? If not, that’s sexist bullshit, sorry.
I suspect you drifted over from Dalrock. I’m all for everyone having their own blogs to espouse their views. Freedom of speech and all that. On my blog, I thankfully have received very few comments in the same vein… I’m unlikely to approve any others because they don’t add anything new to the discussion. There’s plenty of other turf where your sentiments will be met with approval and agreement.
I googled Dalrock last night. Wow. What an eye opener. Lots of judgement for “serial Monogamy” as if those who have had more than a few relationships without marriage have committed the ultimate sin. I am still trying to get a feel for these men and how they think…in case I ever come across one. To protect myself.
I see a lot of those same sentiments in comments on other websites. The thing is, I think those men are extremely vocal, but they are not the majority. Men who haven’t thought a lot about women’s issues, or who have been married a long time, may unthinkingly buy into the stereotypes, however. I honestly feel like women are not allowed to be full human beings in some people’s eyes. Also, from my experience, men seem to have a lot harder time letting go of high school experiences than women, so some of it may be residual bitterness over not being a romantic success at that time of life. But really, so few people are.
Oh, I came across this after visiting Dalrock, who was extremely critical of this blog:
http://www.happenmag.com/cp.aspx?cpp=/cppp/magazine/article0.html&articleid=5493&ER=sessiontimeout
I found it fascinating and fun. I read up until midnight. Is it true or not? Dalrock feels she is lying and is doing a disservice to women.
Just goes to show that, even if you do snag that man at 23, it doesn’t mean it will last. Running late for work but I’ll read more later.
I think it’s beyond just “women’s issues”. For me, my “serial monogamy” was not a result of me using men or going after sex, it was the result of love relationships that for one reason or another I didn’t want to go to commitment or something was not right with the relationship to do so. It’s just human. I am doing my best at every year not with ill will towards men, just fallable.
Hello,
I apologize if you have had unwelcome traffic from Dalrock. I had posted a link to several blogs written by single women in their forties as it was relevant to the discussion we were having about realistic attitudes toward marriage. You are very honest and have a clear style of communication, which Is why I thought your blog was interesting. It was not my intent for you to receive unkind comments, and I hope there have not been others.
Rantywoman wrote:
I respectfully disagree that pointing out unpleasant facts about marriage rates and male preferences is disallowing women to be fully human. It has been my observation that many commenters at Dalrock are not trying to tell anyone what to do, but rather to point out the fact that if women spend their twenties exploring their sexuality and building their careers, there are consequences to that, which is that there is a decreased likelihood of marriage. It is only fair that young women should be aware of this so that they can then make an informed choice.
I also think that quite a lot of men prefer to marry younger women with a lower partner count. We may not like this fact, but that does not change its veracity. This is another point that young women should be aware of when they are deciding on their priorities.
I am the same age as you, I believe. Women in our age group were not told truthfully how this was going to play out. We were told that we could have a lot of lovers, be intensely career-focused, and then find a husband in our thirties. Some women were able to do so. Many were not. Whether we like this or not, it is important to acknowledge that this is in fact the case so that young women can fully understand the life consequences of various courses of action.
Also, the conversation at Dalrock can be very interesting, and often opposing points of view are expressed. It is not a male-only space; a number of women, several of whom are ardent feminists, are regular commenters as well. I am sure that if anyone here wanted to add a different perspective to the conversation, other readers would probably find it quite interesting.
Interesting… I had 800 views that day, an all-time high. Must be a lot of readers over at Dalrock. Hopefully we can keep the peace, as I have long had a fear of attracting a certain kind of angry male responder I see on other websites.
Ideally, if I had my druthers, I would still want to experiment with life in my twenties and then be in that lucky cohort of women who were able to find someone in their thirties. 32 would have been just about perfect. For me, being fully human is the chance to make mistakes and take chances in life in the same way men are allowed to do. Also, the few opportunities I (might have) had to marry in my twenties were not right for me, and I had a pretty big fear of divorce. I’m also a bit alternative, and I’ve never been particularly interested in older men, neither of which helped.
I’m sure, though, if the right man had come along when I was 24, getting out of grad school, and fearful of the real world and of supporting myself and of becoming a full-time worker drone, I would have jumped at the chance to get married. Actually if the right man had come along at any point I would have gotten married. He didn’t, and so instead I worked and moved and travelled and read and developed hobbies and so on.
I can relate to some of your story. I wish I could do my thirties over again. I didn’t know what commitment phobics looked like until I started to date them in my 30’s. I am now 40 and feeling intense pain for not being wiser….not just because I want to love/the love of a husband, but also because I am childless and fear I will always be. Most men just don’t want to marry after they become a certain age. I wish someone told me long ago. I wish I had more money so I could at least adopt on my own. Anyways, thank you for sharing your story. It helps to know someone understands.
Yes, the thirties are rough in terms of relationships… rocky waters indeed.
Okay, so I’m old, and faithful to my wife of 37 years. But, if I were with a woman who shaved her pubic area, I think it would gross me out. I expect to see pubic hair, and it is a turn on. I think what is the matter that women have to shave under their arms, their legs. What next?
I saw some years ago a woman in Chicago with long hair on her legs. I wanted her, and my wife could tell, she poked me with her elbow and told me to watch it, that woman’s husband was very jealous. I agree, take women as they are, as long as they are clean.
I would be open to discussion about it, but generally speaking, in most areas I like a more natural look.
To dump someone on the basis of one single aspect as trivial and meaningless as the presence or absence of hair is one of the most daft things I have ever heard. I know we joke that men are shallow, but surely they are not that shallow.
The only way I can vaguely account for that is that he used it as an excuse, maybe he had already lined up an alternative women he saw as being better. Otherwise he would surely have made a suggestion that you might perhaps indulge him and partake in a little grooming for next time. Other than that, if he cannot tolerate someone not porn star perfect, just imagine how useless such a gentleman would be should you ever suffer an illness or injury that would somehow mar your appearance. Anyone would be better off without such a man, so maybe see it as a lucky escape.
Well, the excuse was made immediately after, so although there could be other reasons/issues, I took it at face value. I was pretty dumbfounded.
Miss M those were my thoughts, too. The thought that if they had a lovely time together, good conversation, etc and then to be rejected because of that, it’s just depressing. I certainly have accepted men for their less than perfect physical attributes because of other factors. He could’ve have suggested more grooming…some do it for foreplay! But no chance.