thebitterbabe

never married, over forty, a little bitter

Category: media

the uncompromising

I know this is what I’m looking for and hope it’s true that most men want this as well:

http://www.salon.com/2012/11/18/expert_guys_dont_want_casual_sex/

What do we know about what young men are looking for in those committed relationships?

What most guys seek, and this seems to be regardless of sexual orientation or age, they’re looking for people whose company they enjoy. People who appreciate them for who they are. We know that a couple tends to be similar in age. More often than not folks match on ethnicity, political orientation and religiosity. The thing that ultimate grounds it are personality match, similar sense of humor, similar tastes in music, TV and movies, similar activities, because you want to be able to do things with your sweetie and you want someone who gets you.

It seems to me that to not have these commonalities in a relationship would spell unhappiness, but perhaps people build families with incompatible partners and look for social fulfillment elsewhere.

In this sense, yes I am “picky” and only get pickier as I get older. Yet so many other things have less importance now. For example, since children are off the table, a man’s provider role is less important, and, in fact, if he were unusually wealthy it would make me uneasy, as I would worry about a power imbalance.

I have dated outside of my ethnic group, but I have always been attracted to men closest to me in age (within five years). Now that I’m getting to the age where I can’t have children, I’d feel guilty dating a younger man if he were at all on the fence about having kids. Having grieved my own lost opportunity, I wouldn’t want to be the cause of that same grief in someone else’s life. On the other hand, I was recently flirted with by a man 10-12 years older than me, and to be honest, I feel slightly uneasy about the age difference, although I know that it’s not uncommon.

I have been in relationships in which we “got” each other, and now it’s hard to go back.

expectations

http://articles.latimes.com/2014/apr/03/entertainment/la-ca-jc-annabelle-gurwitch-20140406

I think this is one of those age-related things that I hadn’t expected. The effort that one has to make at a certain age is so unbelievable. I read things that tell me: As a woman of this age, I’m supposed to be doing at least one half-an-hour exercise a day, and not only one kind of exercise but I’m supposed to marry aerobics and core building. And then I have to take this supplement and take this medication. And then I have to keep earning money because I can never retire. It’s hard to get up in the morning!

That title was actually said to me by my Beverly Hills hairdresser. I remember thinking that I looked fantastic — that this was as good as it gets — when I walked in to see him. And he said, “I see you made an effort.”

sustenance

http://www.salon.com/2011/08/04/lillian_rubin_on_ageism/

Yet too few political figures, policy experts or media stories are asking the important questions: What are the real possibilities for our aging population now? How will we live them; what will we do with them? Who will we become? How will we see ourselves; how will we be seen? What will sustain us — emotionally, economically, physically, spiritually? These, not just whether the old will break the Social Security bank or bankrupt Medicare, are the central questions about aging in our time.

brick by brick

By the age of 40, I realised that if I wanted to have a child I needed to do it fast. I looked hard at my character and realised that I didn’t have the resources, emotional or psychological, to do it on my own.

I knew I’d be on the margins of life as a single parent. Most of my friends are child-free.

Did I really want to pull down the life that I’d carefully assembled, brick by brick? I realised what I craved was more companionship, sex, travel.

– See more at: http://www.independent.ie/life/im-part-of-a-new-tribe-childless-and-happy-30412746.html#sthash.wmj9gf3x.dpuf

cupcakes

A case of having her cake and eating it too?

http://www.salon.com/2014/07/04/i_accidentally_became_a_housewife_partner/

Perhaps it’s because I’ve had big serious jobs—though I never did reach my youthful dream of being a doctor, lawyer, or doctor/lawyer—and while I loved them, I can’t muster much wistfulness for days spent supervising the work of others, wrestling a budget and schedule into submission, and attending endless meetings. Even when my work was at its most fulfilling, I can’t imagine merging it with my home life as it currently stands—two kids, a husband who travels—without making serious sacrifices in both realms. Friends of mine who work full-time with kids are my heroines, and they are also so stressed out that every time I see them I want to offer them a cupcake and a glass of wine.

shortages

http://www.philosophersmail.com/relationships/how-we-end-up-marrying-the-wrong-people/

One is never in a good frame of mind to choose a partner rationally when remaining single is unbearable. We have to be utterly at peace with the prospect of many years of solitude in order to have any chance of forming a good relationship. Or we’ll love no longer being single rather more than we love the partner who spared us being so.

Unfortunately, after a certain age, society makes singlehood dangerously unpleasant. Communal life starts to wither, couples are too threatened by the independence of the single to invite them around very often, one starts to feel a freak when going to the cinema alone. Sex is hard to come by as well. For all the new gadgets and supposed freedoms of modernity, it can be very hard to get laid – and expecting to do so regularly with new people is bound to end in disappointment after 30.

Far better to rearrange society so that it resembles a university or a kibbutz – with communal eating, shared facilities, constant parties and free sexual mingling… That way, anyone who did decide marriage was for them would be sure they were doing it for the positives of coupledom rather than as an escape from the negatives of singlehood.

When sex was only available within marriage, people recognised that this led people to marry for the wrong reasons: to obtain something that was artificially restricted in society as a whole. People are free to make much better choices about who they marry now they’re not simply responding to a desperate desire for sex.

But we retain shortages in other areas. When company is only properly available in couples, people will pair up just to spare themselves loneliness. It’s time to liberate ‘companionship’ from the shackles of coupledom, and make it as widely and as easily available as sexual liberators wanted sex to be.

charmed lives

I appreciate the honesty:

‘As a parent, I have it made,’ she said.
‘I’m on a TV show where my hiatus is [my kids’] summer, so I’m free to be with them in the summer time. I’m able to afford full-time help because of what I do. My husband also works, and my nanny makes my life doable and so easy.’

Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-2643164/Busy-Philipps-admits-charmed-life-gives-Hollywood-parenting.html#ixzz363nALGpc
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the seven-year itch

I love this idea, but if I take another break in seven years, I’m probably signing up for early retirement, because I’m not sure I could find another good full-time job as an unemployed woman in my early fifties:

https://www.ted.com/talks/stefan_sagmeister_the_power_of_time_off#t-58

stamina

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/ken-solin/online-dating-why-boomer-women-are-perfect-for-boomer-men_b_2576834.html

What drives men over 50 to pursue women is as primal as social. We’ll always be hunters. Over 50 men are able to start second families, albeit with younger women, but not the other way around. My point isn’t what’s fair or unfair, but rather that many boomer men date younger women exclusively, relegating a vast number of incredible boomer women to wonder if or when men will ever “get it” when it comes to what they’re missing in terms of dating, sex and relationships with women their age.

cat and mouse

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/millennial-media/201209/should-women-pursue-men

It should come as no surprise that the dating landscape has changed significantly over the years. Just as quickly as technology advances, the speed and structure of romantic relationships appear to have done the same. While I have had a vague idea that the times have changed, it wasn’t until earlier last week when I was in a male colleague’s office discussing heterosexual relationships that I came to a startling realization. Apparently, I’m living in an alternate reality.

[…]

Many times my therapy clients ask me quite earnestly what they should do, and my thoughts on their situations. Too often has a female client tearfully recounted tales of trying to message a guy, make things work, and do much of the legwork only to be brushed off or entirely ignored. It’s disheartening to hear this and their justifications for their intended’s behavior. “He’s just so shy. Maybe he’s aloof. Perhaps I didn’t try hard enough.” My secret hope is that they simply aren’t engaging with anyone who ascribes to games of cat and mouse. And then I hope they find someone better and more deserving of their affections. Open dialogue and honest communication seem to be the exception and not the norm too many times in their encounters with the opposite sex.