thebitterbabe

never married, over forty, a little bitter

Category: dreams

June 23, 2014

reminders

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/erica-berman/infertility_b_1819741.html

What do you wish people knew about infertility/involuntary childlessness?

That the pain never truly goes away. You may react less viscerally to certain things than you once did, but it doesn’t mean that you won’t still shed a tear each year at your niece’s dance recital because it’s always going to be a reminder of what you’ll never have, you’ll never be. And that there truly are few things in this world more painful than not being able to make your dreams of a family come true.

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June 22, 2014

the brazen

http://acowintheocean.wordpress.com/2012/02/24/shame-on-singlehood/

You see, Im single, and thirty and sometimes I just feel really alone. This is a world built for couples, for families and I am tired of being just me.

There was a time, and not so very long ago that I would have been a little ashamed to admit that so openly and brazenly. But its true. Somehow its easy to feel ashamed of those desires as though by saying that I want to be married I am admitting to being a mindless knit wit of a girl who sees value in herself only if she is loved by someone. It’s not that I feel that I am getting so old, or that I see all my friends married and feel left out, it’s not that I feel that I must be unlovable if I don’t have some man doting on me and getting down on one knee to propose. It’s not even that I am often lonely, although I am. It’s none of those things.

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June 22, 2014

possibilities

http://ruthrutherford.wordpress.com/2014/01/13/considering-the-possibility-i-may-never-get-married/

I’m talking, of course, about marriage. As a little girl, a teenager, a young adult, marriage was a given. There was never an if, but rather a when — when I get married, when I have kids.

Now older, I see a bigger picture with more possibilities. And one of those possibilities is that I will never get married. It’s hard to swallow, but if I’m being a realist, I have to consider it. My parents refuse to believe it. Apparently if I pray hard enough or expand my horizons or agree to date someone I’m not interested in, love will blossom.

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June 11, 2014

savagery

Denham sometimes dreamed of a life in which one took practically no trouble at all. One would be alone; one would have no standards; there would be a warm climate and few clothes, and all food off the same plate, if a plate at all. And no conversation… It would be a very low-class, lazy, common life; it was better not to think about it while one was trying to be civilized and high-class.

— Rose Macaulay, Crewe Train, p. 58

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June 3, 2014

living rich

This one is aimed at Canadians but is still quite useful for crunching the retirement numbers:

http://www.readersdigest.ca/health/relationships/truth-about-early-retirement

For some of us, early retirement may mean a chance to pursue new areas of study or to work part-time in an area that interests us. For Sadownik and Robinson, it means living by the ocean, travelling and attending a rich menu of cultural events. Three years after escaping from the work world, both are glad they made the decision to retire early. “Take the leap,” advises Robinson. “It’s been a real gift.”

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May 30, 2014

recolonization

I started writing this blog two-and-a-half years ago and the changes that have slowly come over me during that period have been profound. To wit:

1. When I get up in the morning my first feeling isn’t “Why get out of bed?” but the desire to fire up my computer and read my favorite websites and blogs and do a little writing.

2. On the way to work I practice Spanish via listening to audiobooks– I haven’t let full-time work prevent me completely from pursuing some other long-term goals.

3. I no longer have the sense, as I did throughout my twenties and thirties, that I’m waiting for the “main event” but it isn’t happening. When I was younger I would get distracted for long periods of time by interests and hobbies but was often hit by the feeling that another year was passing and I was still in the same dreary position. I had chosen my career out of practicality and had never expected it to be my whole life. At some point it was supposed to either end or be supplemented by a husband and kids. That expectation is gone and with its disappearance has arrived the anticipated relief that the wait is over.

4. My solitude has become gold. Being social is still valuable and gets me out of my head and introduces me to new ideas, but having alone time feels like the bigger treat. When occasional loneliness strikes I reframe things so that I view time with myself as the ultimate luxury. I truly have become my own best friend and have to fight not to see other people as an imposition. The upsides are that my expectations of other people have become almost nil so I never stew anymore over perceived slights, and I don’t feel the need to verbally “vomit” everything I’ve been holding in when I do have conversations. Part of this change in perspective is that the conversations I have with other people, while enlightening, are rarely as rich as the conversations I would like to be having and that I have with myself (and in my head with other writers).

5. I have meditated nearly every day for close to two years. That probably factors in.

6. After my recent bad experience with having a roommate, I no longer want one.

7. I have “recolonized” my mind while at work. As I’ve written recently, I’ve had to rein in my personality on the job. At first that felt painful, but it’s amazing how easily I’ve since adapted. What keeps me sane is the idea that my mind is still my own, even while on the clock.

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May 26, 2014

the outcast

So. Elliot Rodger.

I don’t want to say much because I have no idea what his issues were, and I could only stomach his videos for a few minutes. What seems apparent, however, is that he felt entitled to a certain type of woman– blonde, pretty, popular– and that his entitlement was likely fed by the surrounding culture. Unsurprisingly, those women seemed to be the only ones on his radar, and even then, he failed to grasp their humanity. The other apparent thing about him was his loneliness, alienation, and anger. He was angry that “undeserving” men were able to get women, but his racism and classism fueled his perceptions of “undeserving.”

The main reason I’m bringing him up, however, is that he gives all us lonely, bitter, skulking, single bloggers a bad name!

At least some of the “ick” factor I got from him has to do with my own sense of shame. So I just want to say it’s easy to feel alienated when you are single and childless. It’s common to give in to to the impulse to skulk about Facebook. It’s normal to have WTF moments when observing that some seemingly terrible people manage to get married and/or have kids when you haven’t been able to do so. It’s hard not to lapse into bitterness occasionally. It’s ordinary to find oneself without close friends, as they have all disappeared into coupledom and parenting. It’s common— and healthy in the absence of alternatives– to turn to the internet as an outlet (ahem). None of this makes you a pathological freak.

I have known many lovely, sociable, competent, attractive women who have unintentionally ended up single and childless, who have felt all those things, and who have found a great sense of community and solace in blogs and forums and books aimed at them.

I have felt all those things. And yet, I’m once again seeing the silver lining in my situation (like the clouds, that silver lining comes and goes). As a single woman, you still have to work, and you are more likely to be stuck in a stressful job than the married women you know. You have to do all the household maintenance and sometimes have to take care of elderly relatives. But. You don’t have to go to kids’ birthday parties or to Disney movies or take a child to the orthodontist or help out with homework. There are still slivers of free time to pursue the self-development that often gets curtailed when people start the cycle of birth/childhood/schooling all over again by having kids.

Rather than continue to pursue what I’ve missed out on, especially when it’s becoming clear that that ship has sailed, I have an opportunity to develop in some unusual (if unheralded and even unnoticed) ways. I’m feeling the urge to seize that again.

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May 24, 2014

enough

http://www.mrmoneymustache.com/2013/01/29/pension-schmension-retire-on-your-own-terms/

Absolutely not! It not stupid to walk out on a pension. What is stupid is staying in a job that you don’t love, when you no longer need the money.

All of this hinges on the concept of “Enough”. It’s a tricky one to grasp if the television has done its job in raising you to be insatiable. But if you work through your own bullet points like the ones above, and you’ve got enough, then dude, trust me, you can go ahead and quit.

When you take early retirement, you are almost always walking away from a whole bunch of money. Salary. Benefits. Bonuses. Stock options. I’ve often recounted how I’ve “lost” least a million dollars of potential income since quitting in 2005. Even now, I am forced to turn down more work opportunities almost every week, and Mrs. Money Mustache does the same. Early retirees seem to have a way of attracting unwanted work opportunities, almost like the casual man who walks into a pub with no desire to hit on women. The employers can almost smell your freedom, and it makes them want to offer you additional money. But unless the work offered is your true love, you will gracefully decline.

We are deliberately sacrificing extra savings and security in our distant futures, for continued free time right now. We’re throwing away the equivalent of many good pensions. Oooo. Big deal.

To gain the ability to quit your job, you have to learn to lose your addiction to artificial security. You may think you’re building up additional financial strength, but really you’re just indulging a psychological weakness.

More money beyond the reasonable guidelines noted above does not make your life better. But spending an extra 10 years working a mundane job, setting the alarm clock and droning away on the conference calls because you are afraid to quit does make your life worse, unless that is truly what you were born to do.

[OTOH, in terms of finding employment as a retiree: http://www.usatoday.com/story/money/columnist/brooks/2013/08/26/retirement-encore-careers-age-discrimination/2693259/%5D

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May 23, 2014

the curious

http://www.salon.com/2014/05/22/dear_graduates_dont_follow_your_dreams_commencement_speech_for_the_mediocre/

See, commencement speakers are the outliers — the most successful, interesting people that colleges can find — and their experiences are the most inspirational but also the least realistic. Even worse, they tend to be far too willing to dish out the craziest, worst advice, simply because it somehow worked for them. “Follow your dreams” and “live your passions” are insanely unhelpful tips when the bills need paying or the rent is almost due. Invariably, commencement speakers tend to be the lucky few, the ones who followed their dreams and still managed to land on their feet: Most of us won’t become Steve Jobs or Neil Gaiman, regardless of how hard we try or how much passion we might hold. It’s far more likely to get stuck working as a waiter or bartender, or on some other dead-end career path. Most people will have to choose between “doing what they love,” and pursuing the more mundane promise of a stable paycheck and a promising career path. And there’s absolutely nothing wrong with making the latter choice; in fact, I’d usually recommend it.

But for all of those young graduates who look out today and see a limitless horizon of excitement and opportunity, I hate to be the one to say it, but you probably won’t get there. And I’ve often wondered if, perhaps, those of us who ended up waiting tables or working the dead-end office jobs would be better suited to offering real advice to new graduates, advice tailored toward the majority, those who won’t attain the loftiest heights of their dreams — but still must find meaning and value in our imperfect world. And for those people, the rest of us, my advice is quite simple: Stay curious and keep learning.

Your job might be terrible, it might be horribly boring and physically draining like mine was. You might work in a terrifying corporate culture that stifles creativity and punishes independent thinking. You might be forced to watch round after round of layoffs and budget cuts, wondering if and when the ax will fall on you. And of course, there are plenty of other terrible ways that your life can turn sideways, too.

Stay curious. Keep learning.

[…]

I’ve always valued learning intrinsically, as an end unto itself. And more and more, that seems like the key. Curiosity provides life with wonder and excitement beyond our crummy, quotidian routines. A passion for learning, an unqualified commitment to pursuing your interests — and seeking new ones — will carry you through the good times and bad times, the rich times and poor times, the miserable times and happy ones.

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May 17, 2014

endurance

I spread my financial documents out a few days ago and found I was correct that I might be able to retire as early as eight years from now. Ten or twelve would be better from a financial viewpoint (with, of course, twenty being best of all), while six would be the lowest possibility.

I have some fun plans lined up for the rest of this year, but after that, I don’t know what is going to keep me engaged until I move to the retirement phase!

Some people might wonder what I will do with myself in retirement and if I will be happier. Having just had a trial run of being unemployed, I can say with confidence that I can keep busy and am happier not working. Yesterday, for instance, I dragged myself out of bed, hurriedly ran some errands on the way to work, made a bit of small talk with coworkers while multitasking like a maniac, and then trudged home from work at the end of the day, managing to get to the farmer’s market on the way back. Had I had the day to myself, I would have gotten those errands done and also finished my pile of books and made a trip to the library, gotten my laundry done and the house cleaned, done some cooking, gone to the beach, done some yoga, and possibly gone out that night to do something interesting. The latter scenario is the one that appeals.

Anything can happen, of course, over the next eight years. There’s a slight possibility I could meet someone, although I admit that seems less and less possible. The other big unknown is how long my mother will live. Will she make it to a “normal” old age (mid-late eighties) and then peacefully pass away? If so, that would coincide with the time period in which I want to retire and would ease those plans. Or will she live to an old old age, with all the long, drawn-out health problems that could ensue? That will impact my options.

I’ve come to the conclusion that we are all living too long and the structure of the job market makes the problem worse. Should we work for forty-five years straight with only two weeks off a year so that we will be okay financially in our seventies, when we are truly old? I have several friends like myself who have older mothers who are miserable and lonely in their old age. How does one raise kids if one is working all the time without a break? If you have them early and remove yourself from the workplace, you lose valuable investment years, and then you have to compete with all the younger folks when you try to get back in. If you take a break later in life, in your forties, you will hit the ageism issue when you try to return. And because they are trying to save for their old age, people aren’t retiring, so there aren’t jobs and opportunities for younger people.

I refuse to be hard on myself for not having kids under these conditions. It’s a very difficult thing to figure out.

Related articles:

http://www.nytimes.com/1996/01/14/magazine/living-too-long.html
In the years after she retired, for example, Aunt Millie followed the pattern of labor, leisure, travel and volunteer work that dominated most of her adult life. In her 70’s, she went to camp in the Berkshires, worked with young children and the blind, did some part-time bookkeeping, spent the winters in Florida and filled her evenings with movies, concerts and plays. In other words, she kept busy, which seems to be our society’s answer to questions of meaning and existence.

Meanwhile, the years passed and now she is truly old, too infirm to shuffle off to Miami Beach or to read to second graders or to take in a light opera the first Tuesday of every month. The life of the “oldest old,” as those over 85 are known, is marked by what gerontologists call the “dreadful D’s” — decline, deterioration, dependency, death. From second summer to chill winter.

http://articles.latimes.com/2010/apr/19/opinion/la-oe-rodriguez19-2010apr19
The Japanese, with their healthy diet, good healthcare and advanced medicine, have the highest life expectancy in the world. In 2008, nearly a quarter of the population, or 28.2 million people, was over 65. By 2030, 1 in 3 Japanese will be senior citizens. If civilization is the struggle against death, then surely Japan’s high life expectancy is a triumph of human culture.

But according to Florian Coulmas of the German Institute for Japanese Studies in Tokyo, the Japanese are “exhausted” and the mood in the country is “depressed.” They are burdened by the lengths of their lives.

And in fact, Japan, a place where suicide isn’t utterly taboo, has seen a dramatic rise in senior citizens taking their own lives.

http://www.cbsnews.com/news/living-too-long-is-a-risk/
The odds are 31 percent — almost one in three — that one member of a 65-year-old couple will live to age 95. The odds are one in 10 — 10 percent — that one member of this couple will live to age 100.

But most people aren’t financially prepared to live that long or deal with the uncertainty of their actual lifespan. Retirement planning would be easier if you knew exactly how long you’ll live. So what can you do to protect yourself against the risk of living too long? Stay tuned for my next post.

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