the lulling
by rantywoman
http://www.centerprogressive.org/lulled-into-numbness/
Successful movement through this Transition Zone accounts for some of the data about that upswing of happiness after the 40s, but not all. A larger source, in my experience, of later life happiness is more likely masked resignation and accommodation: People who more or less give up trying to grow and change. They decide, consciously or unconsciously, to lope along in the life they’ve been living and define that as happiness.
It’s illusory, though, because over time they tend to become “comfortably numb,” emotionally and spiritually. And, increasingly vulnerable to physical ailments, an upsurge of late-life depression, alcoholism or drug usage.
My daily meditation practice has provided me with a lot of benefits. My health has improved and I’m much calmer and more forgiving of others.
It hasn’t changed my actual circumstances though– despite the popular theory of “abundance”– and so, at the same time, I feel numb. Undeniably and remarkably numb. Numbly adapted to my circumstances.
I have trained myself not to expect romantic romantic fulfillment and not to feel disappointment over the lack of deep, meaningful friendships in my life or any kind of consistent intimacy. I have cultivated an appreciation for pleasant diversions and have stopped expecting much more than that in my time away from work. Having recently been bruised on the job market, I have stopped hoping for a job that truly engages me and instead appreciate the fact that I have one I don’t hate and that may allow me to retire early, if I hold my lifestyle steady.
All of this “accommodation” has taken a toll, but I’m unsure what choice I have. I could try online dating again, but chances are slim that anything will come of it, and I don’t particularly feel up to the psychic drain. I already participate in a number of social activities, but rarely do I meet like-minded peers. Occasionally I’m really, really enlivened by and drawn to a performer or artist of some kind, but outside of polite exchanges, nothing ever develops. I don’t see any solution to the job problem, but feel it could be greatly ameliorated by a satisfying personal life, but then that brings me back to the beginning of this paragraph.
I would like to keep growing, but I feel like I am reaching the limits of how much I can grow in solitude.
Accommodation. Resignation. I can’t see a way out.
thebitterbabe 
This makes me sad. I sense such a wall built up. I don’t think it’s possible to obtain the changes you write about here without being more vulnerable. Life is painful and strong emotions can be difficult, but numb isn’t a good long-term option either as you can see. I think it’s great for short-term self-protection or a break from hardship but not healthy for a long-term pattern. I believe we can form loving, meaningful relationships with all kinds of people but the heart has to be open.
Two moves in such a short period of time took a lot out of me.
Also, unfortunately, it’s increasingly difficult for me to go out and do things alone, like salsa, without some guy sticking to me like glue in a way that makes me have to leave (that’s the difficulty of not having a girlfriend or two as a barrier when needed).
I do try to be open when coming across people I’m interested in, but at the same time, I do try to take the hint when interest isn’t reciprocated.
It’s a frustrating situation all around.
With work, too, any time I’ve been too open it’s been a mistake. Too many politics.
You have had a lot of change and difficulty in a short time. I hope after some time of things feeling more stable, you will regain some emotional energy. I truly believe having an open heart is key in life. I do understand what you’re saying above, at least I think I do. As far as being more black and white that others have mentioned I actually don’t think that is helpful. There are shades of grey in life and seeing them is healthy IMO.
This is definitely a “grey” period for me, where all the upheaval I just went through is settling upon me, and I’m looking around and trying to figure out where I am now and how to find some joy.
totally agree life is full of shades of grey baygirl. trust me, if ever there was someone who believes in the presence of grey, it’s me. my thoughts are based on the longterm reading of this blog and ranty’s posting on the gw community though.
sometimes to move on, it’s necessary to be more black and white – be decisive, cross things out for good – because grey and it’s associated mulling over, lulling over, shading in, subtle erasing provides no solution and only more thinking. thinking never solved much after a point.
I have to call you out on this. I like you but you sound deluded!
“Having recently been bruised on the job market, I have stopped hoping for a job that truly engages me and instead appreciate the fact that I have one I don’t hate and that may allow me to retire early, if I hold my lifestyle steady.”
You changed jobs last year … it’s now 2014. You left your previous job by choice, enjoyed a sabbatical (even if that’s not what you had planned for at the time), then found another one. That’s not a bruising! Sure there was uncertainty but that’s just life!
This pseudo qualifying has got to stop e.g. (sic) “I appreciate I have a job I don’t hate and that may allow me to retire early, if I hold my lifestyle steady”. Your choice of verbs (hold steady) makes you sound like you’re under attack. You’re not.
It would be progress if you could be more black and white about this part of your life. If you hate your job, say you hate it. Don’t qualify it with it’s not so bad because it might be useful in ten years time talk. That’s planning from an era long gone. The only people still talking this way and your age work in the civil service and they’ve long switched off their brains.
Retrain if you need to! Get out of your comfort zone! And don’t say I’m being hard on you. You can do anything you want. Many people don’t have this choice.
I really hope you’re not having the same conversation with yourself in 2015.
Yes, the bruising is referring to my job search in my other city– unable to find anything outside my career field, and unable to return to my former employer. It was short, yes (thankfully!), but enough to make me appreciate what I have now and to realize that it’s not easy out there. To wit:
http://www.nytimes.com/2014/06/24/business/women-leave-their-careers-in-peak-years.html?_r=0
For women laid off after having settled into a career, the hurdles, both real and imagined, can be significant, according to job counselors. Middle age is a fragile time, they say, and older women often lack the confidence of younger women when forced to look for a new job. They also face the challenges of all older workers: Employers may view them as too expensive, overqualified or out of touch with the changing demands of the workplace.
By “hold my lifestyle steady,” I mean, keep it at the same level it was before– don’t go out and buy a Mercedes, a house, etc.– otherwise I’ll be working until seventy!
But do share if you’ve had some recent successes that put a different spin on things!
We’ve had similar situations in the last 18 months. I left my job in December without a plan. I’d had enough and needed a new story.
Since then I’ve jumped out of my comfort zone. It was no longer even giving me comfort. I was headed towards a slow rot if I didn’t make fundamental changes.
I got my divorce in February, March I sat my medical entrance exams (yes, plenty of people thought that one was mad!), moved from The Netherlands to Ireland in June (organised 100% myself … not easy but I’ve a gold badge in self-sufficiency now) and two days ago received an offer for my first choice of med school. I start on 1st September.
There’s a bit of a gloss on my story now that I have my med place but really I jumped job and country without much security. I am so glad I did this because I trusted my gut and knew I would just deal with the fall out if I didn’t get a med place (sit the exams again, get a job for a year, feck off and travel, whatever).
This is my retirement begun. I retired from my unfulfilling work last year and am now, through my own grit, about to start on a new career I cannot wait to throw myself into.
You can do anything you want and need to choose something new you’re passionate about. I think half your problem is that your dreams are too small. There’s a whole world going on out there. What’s your part in it?
Wow, congrats! That’s big news.
No answers from me (yet, at least) on the other.
I have some similar thoughts as Sinead because I’ve been reading your blog for a while (over a year) and have noticed similar things.
Firstly, I can very much relate to what you’re saying, and I think it’s totally normal to feel ‘numb’ if you’re working hard but don’t have anyone to work for. The book of Ecclesiastes in the Bible (written by the wisest man in the world) says the same thing: “There was a man all alone; he had neither son nor brother. There was no end to his toil, yet his eyes were not content with his wealth. “For whom am I toiling,” he asked, “and why am I depriving myself of enjoyment?” This too is meaningless– a miserable business!” (Ecclesiastes 4:8)
But there are more nuggets of wisdom in Ecclesiastes, including this one at the end: Remember your Creator
in the days of your youth,
before the days of trouble come
and the years approach when you will say,
“I find no pleasure in them…”
The conclusion of that book is that, apart from God, life is basically meaningless, because everyone eventually dies, whether they have companionship or not, and everything they’ve worked for goes to someone else. So since this is true, what do you have to lose if you pursue bigger dreams in life? Romantic relationships are outside of your control, but what about career? Is there something you would rather be doing? If you’d rather be married and raising children and not working, which it sounds like, what about staying at home with children is appealing? Is there any way you could apply that to a job?
It’s too late for kids now– I’ve done my grieving over that and have mostly moved on. If anything I am now relieved I don’t have those additional pressures.
I like writing… but I do that already. If I made this into a book (which, for various reasons, would torpedo the job that I survive on), I might make, what? 10k? It wouldn’t even make a dent. So there’s virtually no difference in my daily life in me doing it for free; I’d have to keep working either way.
The “god” thing I access through meditation; I’m sure that is what keeps me from being one of the truly depressed.
sigh … if you’re only willing to write for a paycheck, then maybe that’s not the dream for you. also, like any dream, the next and final step is not only a paycheck … if you make this blog into a book, then the satisfaction of doing this could lead to other things, spur you on to other creative plans, connected or not to this blog or its book.
you like writing. here’s a goal for you. get published here before the end of the year.
http://thesunmagazine.org/about/submission_guidelines/writing
Also, I think Sinead is right that you qualify a lot of your statements instead of being black and white. You’re trying hard to be content with things you’re not really content with, because you think you have to be content with them, but do you? It’s okay to say that it’s not okay, that just having basic material needs met is ultimately not satisfying or fulfilling. I think there are many people who feel the same way. But I don’t think a romantic relationship is necessarily the answer to the feeling…I think the answer is in relationships of all kinds, including with people we wouldn’t normally see as our peers (this is something I should accept more than I do).
Yes, trying hard to change the things I can and accept the things I can’t, but I can only fool myself so long, I guess.
Also, it’s nice to have another perspective via Sinead, but I know a handful of women in my same position, and they pretty much all feel the same way. I’m giving voice to an experience that’s not uncommon.
it might be common in some parts of the “world” but it doesn’t have to be so static. that’s where my frustration comes from. i’m not saying things have to be perfect but they can change …
i don’t know if you remember the writing group i set up at the end of last year. 75+ members worldwide. i sent you a few invites but didn’t get a response. it’s still going strong and women who started with feelings of “it’s never going to change” have moved to “i can change things” in eight months. how? by turning up and working through the turpor in an active sense.
Oops… maybe in the email I don’t check often… sorry about that. At this point though I need to spend less time online (most of my workday is spent answering email).
“Yes, trying hard to change the things I can and accept the things I can’t, but I CAN ONLY FOOL MYSELF SO LONG, I GUESS.”
aggghhhhh …. more grey talk!
i don’t know, i sent the invites to you via gw g+ … doesn’t matter now, so don’t worry about it. so the sun, are you going to give it a go?
I think everyone at all times is trying their best to live a vibrant, happy life… we are wired to seek that out… but that doesn’t mean the path is readily apparent or available.
The thing about the non-peer relationships–I agree to an extent, in that sometimes just being around people is nice in and of itself. But I do believe “water seeks its own level,” for good or bad.
Sinead, what does GW community mean? I have been reading for a while too. I understand what Ranty is saying about her job or at least I think I do. It does offer her financial security and other positives even if it is not rewarding in some other ways. Going for our dreams is great but there are always practical considerations in life too. I do believe in going with the heart but I think she did try to do that and as she mentioned she was no able to get a job elsewhere last year when she made that attempt. I do believe the saying there is a season to everything. Right now it may just be time for a stable job and predictable life. Later she may feel the urge to try something different or not. I’m not speaking for Ranty but these are just my interpretations and observations based on what I’ve read.
gw = gateway woman, an online community for childless by circumstance women.
sure, there are practical considerations when it comes to work. but these don’t really apply to friendship, hobbies, many life goals, romantic relationships etc. as for right now being the time for a stable job and predictable life. that hasn’t provided ranty much comfort so far, only when the job was gone and she wanted it back. that’s not really progress. that’s maintaining the status quo.
really, i think ranty needs to focus on making friends via exploring interests outside of work. trying to reconcile her work situation is pretty limited as she doesn’t enjoy it, so i think it’s best to put the job into the “leave as be, use as useful” box.
I agree you have to be practical about working, but that doesn’t apply to everything. To be resigned and numb about everything…that isn’t good either. I’ve read some of Jody Day blogs and this one stands out, about how she came out of depression by creating Gateway Women. http://gateway-women.com/category/friendships/ If you could just find one creative project that motivates you, I think that would be really awesome.
Yes, I did just quit a job last year, and moved back to my former city, and tried a roommate, and tried to find another career field… and unfortunately those attempts went bust, although I enjoyed the time off. In some ways I would have liked to have kept taking Spanish–maybe going abroad to study–but when money is running down, the job market has proved tough, the hole in the resume is getting bigger, and a well-paying opportunity comes along… I think most people would take it. And it would be insane to quit within six months. What I’ve been trying to do is find other sources of satisfaction, but thus far have only found diversions.
i agree, you were right to take the job and you would be insane to quit at the moment. i think where we differ is that i’d stop trying to reconcile it into something more. it’s enough as it is, a well paying, bill paying, benefits rich job. a lot of people are trudging into the opposite five days a week and also hating the actual work.
I get lectured constantly that I should find a job I love by a friend my age who bounces from one extremely low-paying clerical job to another, none of which she loves. She seems to have “drunk the kool-aid” despite the fact that she doesn’t appear to be following her own advice. I feel it’s better to be resigned and in a job that provides one a nice nest egg for the future than resigned and in a job that barely pays the bills every month and leaves nothing left over. That said, there are those few lucky people who are doing what they love, and they do have something to teach.
a childless friend of mine also finds limited satisfaction in her legal job but has always felt alive in spain, so she started a spanish degree with the open university this week. four years to her bachelor in spanish. then she’s going to look for bilingual legal work in spain and move. i can see her doing it too. it’s fabulous.
“there are those few lucky people who are doing what they love”
ya know i read your words Ranty and for the first time in my adult life, I am one of these lucky people. Nothing else to add. Just marking this moment for myself.
Congratulations! That’s great.
Great site, great piece, great comments as well! I feel your pain, Bitter Babe. There’s a lot of us out there.
aw, cut Ranty a bit of slack, Sinead! it is profoundly depressing to go through life on your own when every fibre of your being is screaming out for someone, whether that’s a child or a partner, or both. the one and only reason any of us are here at all is because two people made a connection and created another person. there IS no other reason. sex and, for most of us, procreation are the basic human drivers and if they are thwarted, well, it’s not difficult to see why people can go under. I personally know at least a handful who would either be alcoholics or dead alcoholics by now if they hadn’t met anyone.
I’ve started all over again more times than I care to remember and, just as everyone has their limit, at 47, I’ve had mine. in my own case all of the ‘good’ friends I had, from decades ago in some cases, drifted off one by one once they found a partner. I don’t know whether they saw me as an embarrassment or as a too painful reminder of what could have happened to them but the invites slowly started to dry up (or social events were arranged behind my back) and it started to feel when we did meet up that we were constantly skirting the elephant in the room – my eternal singleness.
so, in my early forties, I went out and made new friends. one is now living with the man of her dreams and I see here once, maybe twice a year. the other has had a baby – with some useless waste of space of a babyfather, but that’s another story. my point being that there are only so many times you can reinvent yourself.
it makes me so sad – and angry – to keep reading these stories about successful, intelligent women who are ‘choosing’ to go through life alone. of what used to be my own immediate circle, there were at least five who, in their thirties, desperately wanted a partner and children but just could not meet anyone to commit for love nor money. most of them did go on to meet someone in the end, some of these men with children already in tow, some without, but in either case the women never got to be the mother they’d always dreamt of being. and the men who had previously kept them dangling on a string? well, you know what happened to them.
slack from where to where … what part of my advice has been too tight?
Your story echoes mine.
I can relate to your eternal singleness being the elephant in the room. I feel that overnight I went from hearing “you have plenty of time for kids,” to “how come you never got married/had kids?” Like many nomos, this wasn’t my plan/choice. So glad sites like this exist. There are so many of us in this situation.
I hope you will find it Ranty! Sounds like right now is still a time of transition as you adjust to all the recent changes. I’m sure you’ll feel more stable and stronger again in time.
I appreciate your spirit Sinead, but I keep bumping into the thought “But she HAS tried different things – meditation, yoga, exercise, dance classes, the artistic community, Spanish, wasn’t there a farm in there somewhere too, etc”. So (and I ask in all honesty because I am a ranty emotional twin) – what kind of concrete suggestions can you make?
As an introvert and someone who tends toward ‘low energy’, it is Draining for me to do my version of those activities. Does it put me in touch with ‘people’ – yes. But I often come home tired and feeling no closer to them, which is what I really want. Connection.
i actually don’t think doing things is a solution for ranty or anyone in a similar situation. if you look through my advice it has never been solely or much about doing things. in fact, i’d nearly consider filling the timetable purely to have it filled a gold standard way to make anyone feel more lonely. i do think ranty is under challenged and it would do her good to start a BIG personal project. i know what sector she works in and there are lots of opportunities for pro bono work there.
but back to my first sentence, if doing things isn’t the solution, what is? well, this is only a virtual observation but ranty and I were members of the GW online community at the same and she tended to hang back from interacting with other members. i don’t know if this is only how she acts online but for connection to happen you have to be willing to connect.
p.s. i’ve mentioned the gw community a few times but would not recommend it. just my opinion.
Interesting thoughts Sinead. Ranty, in some ways I sense a similar hesitance or reticence in you as what Sinead describes noticing. It’s a bit hard to explain and obviously you have to take with a grain of salt an impression an internet stranger gets from a series of blog postings and comments. But I wonder if people out in the real world sense something similar and that creates a kind of wall and prevents meaningful connection. You mention a lot about wanting to connect with certain people you admire but that that usually that doesn’t work out for you. I wonder if by focusing on those that are sort of on a pedestal in some way, you are maybe overlooking other people with whom you could connect and have a rewarding relationship.
Yes, Bluemoon, hard for us introverts to just get out there and have dozens of activities. Even when we are social, we are overlooked for the much louder extroverts in the room! I know people mean well when they tell single women to join fitness groups, yoga, book clubs, etc. But let’s be honest, it’s mostly women, gay men or the elderly involved in these activities. Nevertheless, we should remain optimistic… o_o
This is just my opinion…and I am quite a bit younger than everyone else here, but I am in the same situation in some ways. From reading this blog/the Gateway Women forum over the past few months, I see that sadly, being single and (or) childless in mid-life is very difficult and what most people don’t realize that it involves the loss of friendships as well. However, I also think that one of the secrets to avoiding ‘numbness’ is to find something, anything, that you are passionate about, and are good at, and can use to help or share with others. The problem with joining groups or scheduling activities is that sometimes, I agree, they just fill time. And as an introvert, I understand what blueMoon is saying: just joining activities doesn’t provide connection.
But…I think every single person is born with something, maybe more than one thing, that they are especially good at, that if they devoted time to, could enrich other people’s lives. It might not fill the gap of husband or children or friends, but it would bring something to the world that hadn’t been there before. I read somewhere, maybe in a link on this blog, that for single women, “there are no placeholders at the table.” Then it means you have to create your own place or ‘places.’ You do have a place, you just have to find it or create it, and maybe finding it is the biggest hurdle.
I don’t think I’m trying to come across as critical, it’s just an attempt to help in response to blog where the person doesn’t see a way out of numbness and resignation. To experience pain and grief is one thing, to be numb is another thing, because pain prompts us to try to find a cure, grief brings tears and tears can be cathartic, but numbness and resignation are something different. I don’t believe anyone in the world ever should have to experience that; and if you do, of course people want to help.
Yes, Lady of Shallot..the men go on to find someone else to start families with. It is criminal how many decent, honest hard working women can’t find their male counterparts before menopause. Sad state of the times. I agree, it is wrong that so many women over forty have accepted a life “alone.” While independence is great, so is having a partner or child. There are plenty of men who have success, times of solitude, AND a woman(or man) to go home to.
I don’t know what the answer is, sadly, but I know it’s not this. my last boyfriend, who I was madly in love with, dumped me at the age of thirty nine and I have had a few flings – you could hardly call them relationships – between then and now. I would like to have had a relationship with at least two of these men but they “didn’t want anything serious.” they did, of course, just not with me. the ex got himself a girlfriend, who he is still with, almost immediately. sometimes I don’t know how to handle the jealousy I feel.
Yes…so many men do the “don’t want a relationship right now” thing and then dive into one with the next woman they meet. Nice women finish last these days…
Lady, it is not really jealousy you are feeling. Well, not entirely. You are feeling hurt and cheated. You know you deserve better, and don’t understand why these guys don’t appreciate you. Hopefully there are some gentlemen left out there who are manly enough to appreciate a real woman when they meet them!
I think there’s something to the idea of having a place where you can interact with others with more vulnerability. I joined a spiritual (not religious) MeetUp group last year. I have some things in common with a few of the members and nothing in common with most, but they’re nice and feel safe/non-judgemental. I’ve been able to take risks with revealing more of myself which feels new, and important for me. Otherwise I’d live entirely in my own head and on FB doing animal rescue. What’s nice about having many extroverts in the group is that they’re always planning something or other and I’m always invited, despite my many polite declines, lol. I appreciate that they’re healthy enough to understand that I tend toward low energy/depression and give me permission to just be who I am without personalizing it and getting miffed. The one or two activities I do join each month are enough to carry me. I’ve even attempted to coordinate my own activities a couple of times – I put myself out there by saying “I love this blues band, would anyone like to go see them with me”. Being a follower is so safe, it felt good to say what *I* wanted for a change, even if it didn’t materialize ; )
I so appreciate this blog and the many wise, varied, outspoken, strong women on it.