the obligatory
by rantywoman
I have to confess that a small part of my recent isolation has to do with my healthier ability to say “no.”
As I’ve written before, after two decades of Christmas with my mother, I’ve made other plans this year, and will be taking a trip alone (albeit one that will bring me in close contact with other people).
In addition to that, for the first time, I’ve actually stopped returning one old acquaintance’s phone calls. I met her in my early twenties when in a job and a town I was briefly passing through. I would have been happy enough to have kept in touch with over the phone and via letters, but instead, over the course of the last two decades, she has routinely invited herself to stay with me, leading to some situations that caused me a certain amount of strain. I’m afraid to call her back, which is my natural inclination, because I’m fairly certain she’ll start making plane reservations if I do.
I’ve felt guilty about ramping down this friendship because she is a fellow NoMo, but at the same time, as the friendships I’ve truly enjoyed have faded away, I have become resentful that the ones that are left are all about guilt and obligation. I’d like to change that dynamic, if possible.
Finally, I have a friend here who I do like spending time with, but we have differing desires when it comes to a night on the town. I like low-budget, low fuss, and low ticket prices; she prefers the opposite. I’ve agreed to several events in the past (beggars can’t be choosers, I’ve got to be more flexible, and so on), but decided with her last invitation that it would be unreasonable for her to be angry if I turn down a $100 event that I feel “meh” about. We’ll see.
And so, in the meantime, I entertain myself.
thebitterbabe 
What happened to the friendships that you enjoyed more? I hope you can change the dynamics in time for more satisfying friendships.
I went through a time of reevaluating relationships and making changes. For me it helped that as some relationships toned down, I was able to fill some of that gap with other relationships (whether new or preexisting) that were more in line with what I felt comfortable with at that point in my life. Looking at myself and making some changes in myself and what I expected from others and also what I offered to others helped a lot too. I think just by giving more attention to what I was looking for in friendships and other relationships, I naturally ended up having to give thought to what I offered also and whether it matched what I was looking for and receiving from others.
Sometimes it’s easy to get caught up in what we’re not getting and fail to notice all the positives. I try to remind myself of all the positives people in my life bring and remind myself of their generosity and forgiveness with my faults, including many that I only realized in hindsight. Relationships aren’t always easy. I think for those who had less than ideal family dynamics growing up, it might be much harder. But I think it’s worth it to keep working on it.
I had falling outs with several of those people and then others got busy with families (and even if they try to keep up, they have very little time to do so).
Perhaps some of my less than satisfying friendships seem even more so now that the ones I enjoyed more are gone and they are no longer a small part of a larger, more satisfying mix.
Maybe in time some will come back. Maybe not in the same way as before but something that will still be satisfying. It’s definitely possible to come back together after a falling out. Sometimes time makes it easier to do so. And those busy with families may have more time as their kids age.
“I have become resentful that the ones that are left are all about guilt and obligation.”
I can relate to that. I have felt that the people I’m with are leftovers. And then I think: I’m a leftover too. – and I want to break away from that feeling.
When I moved from my previous city to this one, my job was ending and I wanted to find new friends because as people disappeared into their marriages and children, my remaining friends did not seem like happy people. And I wanted to be around happier people. And more people. So I decided to look for a new job and new friends in a new city. Well, an old city for me, where I could spend time with my parents.
I found a few friends. No one I crave spending time with. I still feel I’m with the leftovers.
There’s one person who is a persistent caller. I do not enjoy his company. But I don’t know how to make him go away. I never initiate. I can’t say: don’t call me anymore. It would be so mean. I’m not handling it well for him or myself.
I think as a single person I think it’s easy to feel vulnerable to “pesky” behavior because you can’t hide behind a spouse.
I feel like I’m at a turning point, like I just need to sweep away my whole past and start over. All that is left from it are the unsatisfying bits, it seems.
I too want to spend time with the people whose company I crave, but I think those people will be few and far between. In the meantime I mostly prefer to spend time on my own.
Reading your blog helps me think about myself. I’m thinking: who do I enjoy being with? Who tells stories I enjoy hearing? Whose sense of humor makes me smile? Who am I spending time with NOT because they’re the only one available? NOT because I feel guilty if I say no? But because I know I’ll enjoy the time. … Give me a minute… Still thinking…. I can think of one nearby. One other far away. Both women who are older than me.
I’m glad people are relating to my post, as I felt guilty even writing it!
Part of it too is that I have a few friends who I like, but we don’t like to do the same things. So that’s another conundrum I often face. Do I do the things I’m not particularly interested in so I can be with other people, or do I follow my heart but fly solo?
I’ve been thinking about your caller, and it sounds like a similar situation to my friend who invites herself to visit. I never initiated the visits but felt too mean to say no. At the same time, over the years I’ve had many friends “fade” on me– they either stopped calling or I realized I was the one doing all the initiating and so I got the hint and stopped. It was all very painful at first, but now it doesn’t phase me nearly as much– I just move on. So I think it’s okay for us to do that to other people when a friendship isn’t working (although it’s hard for me to do so).
In terms of having to be the one to initiate-that is not really the issue for me. It is more does the person respond happily/quickly to suggestions. I have learned some people although are happy to get together arent really the types to suggest, especially if they have a lot of issues with work/money/spouse etc.
That’s true Samanatha. I’ve noticed that too. Some people are happy to get together but don’t seem to initiate things. I don’t think it’s necessarily a sign that they aren’t interested.
Ranty, with friends who you don’t have that many similar interests with, can you just do something that falls into sort of a neutral category, like coffee, casual dinner together, lunch at your place, that kind of thing? Just something to spend time together.
Yes, that’s what I try to do with the women whose company I enjoy but we don’t like to do the same things.