I’ve actually met some men “in real life” lately and do find that method vastly preferable to online dating. Although nothing appears likely to work out, at least I’ve had some fun distractions, and I’ve maintained my sense of humor through it all.
The man that is most appealing to me is around my age (although a couple of years younger, which might as well be 100 years in Hollywood logic). He is of course a creative and was friendly and polite but ultimately, from all appearances, disinterested. The usual pattern. Interestingly, I sometimes get criticized by friends for going out in jeans and a nice shirt, so the particular night I met him I went a bit over-the-top and wore a hot little dress. Later I heard this guy talking on a podcast about how embarrassing he thinks it is when women dress up to that extent. Argh!
The second was smart and fit and young-looking but I got a sense that we were of different generations and figured he was about ten years older than me. As it turns out, he’s closer to sixty than I thought. It is true that the men who have seemed most keen on me have been ten to twenty years older, and there are dating gurus who would say I am shooting myself in the foot by not considering them seriously. I have several friends who have found very happy relationships with men fifteen to twenty years older, but my gut tells me it’s not for me. I’ve been very attracted recently to some men who are fifty, but late fifties is a bit too far in the distance.
The third was in the sweet spot age wise, probably a couple of years older, and in great shape, but seemed a little rough around the edges. He made a joke about the idea of reading books. I found him on Facebook and his politics are so polar opposite of mine that there’s no way it could work.
Life goes on.
“Later I heard this guy talking on a podcast about how embarrassing he thinks it is when women dress up to that extent.” Jeez, sounds kind of obnoxious, no?
Perhaps. But it just goes to show that guys are not all into the same thing.
This thing with 60+ old blokes feeling entitled to date 40+ old women just totally infuriates me, and believe me, it’s not just in Hollywood, it’s everywhere including here in London and even the suburbs! I mean, honestly, who do these men think they are?? I’m 43 and when I get a look from one of the Zimmer frame brigade I just want to scream! What, I am THAT ugly that a man who can almost be my bloody grandfather thinks there’s nothing wrong with him giving me the look?? And we’re not talking fit handsome 60s either!!
To be fair, this particular guy is a few years shy of sixty, and I do know plenty of women who have found happy relationships with men in that 15-20 year older range (as I wrote).
But I’m with you, especially when I think about it in the reverse. How often do we see a late fifties or early sixties woman dating a man in his forties? I hear about it on the internet but have never seen it in real life. And I can’t imagine being interested in a 30 year old. My tastes age with me.
Don’t let their attentions affect your opinion of yourself! I think it’s just that these older men see an attractive women in her forties and think the age difference is no big deal and that they are entitled to much younger women. I would guess with this particular man I’m writing about that he’s not a serial younger-woman chaser, but I don’t know for sure yet. I will see him again but don’t think my thoughts on the age thing are going to change.
October Rust, are you Plankton in a new incarnation?
Let them give you the look. You don’t have to do anything about it if you want. Smile to yourself and be happy someone is noticing you even if you don’t reciprocate. When you were 20 codgers of 40 and 50 gave you the look and you didn’t reciprocate. It’s life.
I think that the dating age gap increases in favour of the man as we get older. When we’re in our early 20s it’s 2 years, then when we get to our forties it’s 20 years. I don’t have a problem with this. A divorced man in his 50s who lives near me married a woman in her 30s a little over 3 years ago. They now have 3 children.
If they can afford it, most men in their 50s seem to want more children even if they have children already. The cynical part of me says it’s a validation of their virility but if they want children and have the option to have them with a younger woman that’s their choice.
Give the late 50s man a chance. I would consider myself very privileged if a late 50s man asked me out and I’m 43. If we want to in a relationship we have to consider older men and all that goes with it. An older man may appreciate us more than a man of our age, that is if he doesn’t want children.
I agree that an older man appreciates us more, although I don’t know if I want to deal with “all that goes with it.” As much as I’d like to be in a relationship, I might prefer to stay single and pursue activities appropriate to my stage in life rather than frequently compromise with someone who is at a different stage and from a different generation.
I have a friend who is now in her late 60s, with a longtime partner who is now in his mid-80s. She recently told me that the age difference had never bothered her in the past, but she is definitely noticing it more and more these days. Something to keep in mind when dating someone older.
I just spoke to a friend who, at 44, dated a man in his early sixties. She is not one to tell me what to do, but she did say she understood my hesitancy and has some regrets over the relationship.
I was with a man 18 years from 24-32. He ended it. I would never in a million years recommend dating someone that much older, and not simply because it didn’t work out. My mother is 74 & my father is 88. She lives in a perpetual state of anxiety and he is perfectly healthy.
*18 years my senior