the monotone
by rantywoman
I finished a good memoir this week called Gone Feral about a woman searching for her (slightly mad) father. She and her sister were the children of “back to the land” hippies and experienced unconventional childhoods. They both struggled mightily to find their way in their twenties and thirties but both found unconventional partners who were good matches for them and both ended up having a child. At the end of the book, there is a lot of ink spilled about how their own children “saved them,” gave them purpose, taught them the meaning of love, etc. They are now both “back to the landers” themselves, so the cycle is complete.
It’s so hard to know how to feel reading that kind of stuff. I, too, took many detours in my twenties and thirties (and now in my forties), but none have led to a partner, and all have led back to a one-bedroom apartment and the taxing full-time workweek. It’s basically been a long stretch of monotone with splashes of color every so often when I got brave.
I never felt that “well-matched” feeling with a partner that these women did (or if so it was with someone that it couldn’t work out with long-term), but admittedly, I had more concern than they did about things like a roof over my head and health insurance. Still. A lot of other people have those concerns too, and they found partners.
I have no answers.
thebitterbabe 
I don’t know either. My guess would be part chance and part being open to that chance when/if it appears. I know that well-matched feeling isn’t necessarily completely obvious from the start though. Sometimes it can take quite a lot of time to get to that point, which means working through a relationship for some time without the certainty that it will be “the one.” I don’t think just because it hasn’t happened for you doesn’t mean that it won’t. I hope you will be emotionally open to someone with potential if you encounter them. I think you have a lot to offer!
Awww, thank you, that is a nice thing to say. I’ve really been feeling that I’ve fallen through the cracks lately.
Maybe they just settled and their partners are not so well matched to them as they say. People lie, you know, especially women trying to justify their life choices. Women seem to mind so much more about what others may think of them than men.
Interesting theory.
I agree with Maria. You can’t take everything at face value. People do lie. This author is expressing herself, yes. But she is also selling a book/story, so it’s in her interest to have it be good, flow well, logical, make sense, etc. You have to filter her message/story through your own beliefs and philosophy.
….A lot of other people have those concerns too, and they found partners.
I have no answers.
I’ve mentioned this previously but I think a shift in mindset about what “love” is can significantly increase a woman’s chance of finding it, independent of age. Waiting if and until you find someone who “feels” right versus keeping your eyes open for someone whose character you respect and thinking about ways you can make him happy.
Women have been sold down the river about the importance of focusing primarily on our own “needs” and evaluating single men by whether we sense he can “meet” those needs (the elusive “connection”). I think it’s a pack of lies designed to make women not fulfilled but always wanting more, feeling shortchanged, hopeless, and miserable.
If women detached from this propaganda and instead started looking for men of good character and how they might be able to build him up and help make him happy (what does he want in a woman? Can I give him this? Men have both primary needs and secondary needs, and understanding the difference is key), they might find without even realizing it that many of their “needs” and dreams/wishes for the future were actually starting to come true.
Love isn’t primarily about personal growth or getting one’s needs met and for most ordinary people it doesn’t “just happen” – it is, instead, an act of will. Prior to the last 50 years or so everyone more or less understood this fact. Taking the long view and correcting our distorted perceptions in this regard requires a major shift in thinking, however, and a willingness to think independently and feel and act resolutely against prevailing social norms.
Yes – focusing on what YOU can offer a man, paradoxically, is the very best way to go about finding a man who has something valuable to offer YOU. They won’t tell you this secret on the Oprah show though.
And as I mentioned on a previous thread – wanting a relationship to be a central part of your life does NOT make you weak.
Women who can put these pieces together are well ahead of 95% of the single women out there who are also looking for love.
Hmm, I think I have a pretty good idea of what I have to offer and where I fall short (depending, of course, on what individual men are looking for). It’s not really so much about having my “needs” met as, like the men in the podcast were discussing, finding someone who feels like a good match and who inhabits the same type of social sphere. One of those comics said it was “no dice” for him if a woman didn’t, and I feel the same. And even if I didn’t, the men around me are all pretty much married…. rarely do I meet a single one.
It’s not really so much about having my “needs” met as, like the men in the podcast were discussing, finding someone who feels like a good match and who inhabits the same type of social sphere.
I think the last clause in your sentence is an indirect, lawyerly way of saying you are looking for someone who meets your needs. But we may have to agree to disagree.
“What individual men are looking for…” You are handicapping yourself by focusing on a man’s secondary needs and not his primary ones. Nearly every single woman I know, no matter how educated, distinction (primary and secondary needs) at my blog on the post Spaghetti and Meatballs.
If you are meeting almost all married men then go to Meetup and join a few different groups. You are in a major metro area if I remember correctly. Meetup is a great way of meeting new faces you would never otherwise meet and in an un-pressurized environment. Look for a Saturday or Sunday brunch meetup with booklovers or expats (where Americans are allowed in the latter if they like mixing with different cultures).
Also online dating can be great if you filter for men who are seeking an LTR.
Sage is a child-free white collar professional expat who met her fiance, a professor from London, using OLD. Here is what she says:
I nearly drowned in the online dating pool. I wasted more time than I should have in a quasi-relationship with an arrogant, bankrupt old man who had little to offer me, but who shamelessly took advantage of my generosity and desire to see the good in people. I’ve dated a fake n’ baked middle-aged version of The Situation, a creepy investment banker, a lying egomaniac PR guy, a welfare-collecting DUI-convicted psychologist, and a few others who looked good on paper but who have blurred into one unpleasant composite of my experiences with Danish men and all that I loathe about them (as potential partners, anyway).
I don’t claim that Denmark is hell on earth, but don’t believe everything you read on Huffington Post.
Last summer, on a renewed visa, I weighed my options, quickly reaching the conclusion that my time in Denmark was coming to an end. I didn’t know if I should try to move within Europe… or give up, buy the lovely converted church for sale in Vermont, and take some time to regroup. I went into this move with the mindset that I could take this chance, have this experience, and be back home a few years ahead of forty. But it turns out that moving countries is logistically more difficult than it seemed.
I was overwhelmed. I signed up for a 7 day trial membership on a dating site, more for the hell of it than with the expectation of actually meeting my future husband. Truthfully, I thought I’d never marry again. Dating in Denmark had jaded me and I was well on my way to becoming a man-hater.
Each profile seemed worse than the last, until I found Robert…
http://www.sageandsimple.com/2014/05/four-years-in.html
Nearly every single woman I know, no matter how educated, distinction (primary and secondary needs) at my blog on the post Spaghetti and Meatballs.
Sorry – that got truncated. What I meant to say was:
Nearly every single woman I know, no matter how educated, intelligent, or erudite, makes the same mistake. I explain the distinction (between primary and secondary needs) at my blog….
I’ve tried meetup and online dating and have found neither to be a panacea (and many of my single friends, both male and female, have found the same).
I guess I believe that everyone has some things to bring to the table and it’s just a matter of finding the right person, and a lot of that comes down to luck. I think men have different needs depending on their personalities and psychology so it’s stumbling on the right fit. And I also think that the odds are stacked against older single women, no matter what their approach.