darwinism
by rantywoman
When I think about where I’ve ended up emotionally, I have to wonder what it all means. Does it signal growth– a kind of uber-maturity in realizing and finding peace with the idea that one can ultimately only depend on oneself? A sort of Buddhist wisdom in dropping expectations of others? A natural evolution in which one outgrows the need to routinely discuss one’s experiences with others and learns to depend primarily on one’s own counsel? A developed sense of perspective in which one realizes one’s life experiences are not particularly unique or special and other people are too wrapped up in their own lives to care?
Or is it a numbness–a resignation–after years of disappointment? An inability to trust?
Or is it neutral, nothing more than a smart adaptation to the way society is heading– solo living, lots of mobility, the decline of marriage?
If so, the irony is that the better one adapts, the less likely one is to procreate.
thebitterbabe 
In my case I think that my eyes have adjusted to a permanent dark night of the soul. I am no longer in total darkness even though it appears so to those who are young with possibilities or coupled with or without children.
I get it. I definitely am in a better place than I was several years ago, but I still worry I have simply become “numb.”
It’s interesting to me that certain thoughts seem to be common among the long-term single, as evidenced in comment I found here:
http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/dating-tips-advice/when-should-you-give-up-on-dating/
I understand I am a weird animal, I am not looking for a clone of myself or my ex but am looking for an equal. I don’t much like being alone, yep, I have considered suicide (many here do), or complete withdrawal from society when I retire. However, being with someone with whom you have no connection with is also being alone, albeit with serious legal consequences.
The numbness is what scares me. It’s dangerous territory. I wasn’t well a while back with dizzy spells and I didn’t go to the doctor. Someone told me I should because it could signify something life threatening. I thought “so what, I feel like I’m dead anyway”. I’m not suicidal, but I don’t wake up every morning and give thanks for being alive. It feels like life holds nothing for me now, all possibilities have gone and I’m just going through the motions while my body shows the clinical signs of life.
I have been through those periods. Right now I’ve pushed most thoughts of relationships and a social life off the table– I figure a move and a new job is enough to grapple with in one year– and it seems to have helped quite a bit.
You’re not alone in those feelings, elle. Such a hard way to live …