the blame game
by rantywoman
I always used to bristle when people suggested that my single state was all my fault, but the truth is, I have a tendency to frame my situation in those exact terms. I often ruminate over past men I rejected or broke it off with and wonder if I should have made a different decision somewhere. Was it really a big deal that we were on completely different pages when it came to something like religion? Or that we were ill-matched physically, or that I didn’t like his scent? Or that he had a personality disorder or bored me or frequently made remarks I found offensive? Or he came from a completely different cultural background? Or there was a significant age gap? Or he had a drinking problem or did not have a college degree and resented my group of college friends as a result?
The human brain seems to want to find fault somewhere, even if it’s with ourselves. We want to believe that if things had been handled differently everything would have worked out fine. We have a strong desire to feel in control of our fate.
It’s difficult for me to sit with the idea that things just never lined up for me. That, perhaps, I never really had good choices to make.
thebitterbabe 
Regarding choices- sometimes when you need something, your choice depends on budget. Just this morning, I was looking at my flatware, wondering why I chose it. But then I remember how it just goes with the theme of my decor and also- most importantly- I was able to purchase two sets at a very good price.
Another example, I could use some new underwear- and on one particular website there was lots to choice from. But every pair I really loved was not on sale and in the high price range for panties. I decided not to buy any and look around some more for good deals of ones I really love.
So for the flatware, I needed something to eat with and chose the best choice to my liking in my price range. I was looking at them today and if I didnt have some bills to pay, I might splash out and buy new sets. But I am settling for what I have. New panties is something I would like, but can live without for awhile, probably quite awhile.
No, your romantic choices are not the same as panties and flatware. But I do think so many choices come down to wants vs needs, and secondly personal taste and budget. If I need something, I make the best choice available within my means. If I want something, if I can’t afford what I love I do without. (Which is not to say I haven’t taken advantage once and awhile of interest free offers). Perhaps a romantic partner is more of a want than a “need” for you. And yes, some women need a man- to fulfill their dream of marriage and baby, because they can’t afford to live alone, etc.
I forgot to add- I think love affairs with attractive men you know are wrong for you, but you just can’t resist are the romantic equalivant of interest free credit offers.
All good points!
“If I need something, I make the best choice available within my means. If I want something, if I can’t afford what I love I do without.” On the button, Allie.
I think if you really did make mistakes, it’s good to think about them in order to learn from them and then move on and apply the lesson in the future. Otherwise, if you made the right choices to start with, I would just chalk it up to things not having lined up right and leave it at that. I’m sure by now you probably know whether you did the right thing for you or made a few mistakes. Both are perfectly normal and to be expected in life.
I think I was probably right to trust my gut:
http://www.medicaldaily.com/newlyweds-gut-feelings-predict-whether-marriage-will-remain-happy-263936
From what you describe in your post, I don’t think you made a mistake. Really. These were not superficial reasons. These were reasons that impacted how you felt around these men and how you feel around someone is what makes a relationship work. Now if you rejected a man because he made less $$$ than you but you felt attracted to him and enjoyed him…then I would maybe say you didn’t give him a chance. But I don’t say that with what you described.
You probably were right. In another post or posts, you said that sometimes men you did click with, who you wanted to settle down with, rejected you…do you know what types of women they ended up with, or are they still single? I think by looking at what types of women these men *did* want, it might give you a clue as to why they rejected you, even though you might not be able to change it. Sometimes the reasons might be completely superficial. But in your case, it doesn’t sound like you really rejected men for superficial reasons. An age difference might or might not be superficial, I suppose, depending on who you ask and how they feel about it.
A couple of them still struggle with commitment and have continued to reject relationship possibilities after me; a couple I don’t know if they got in other relationships; one or two ended up with women whom I believe hail from prestigious backgrounds (which may have been important to them, but again I really don’t know).
For me, there have been so few men I’ve liked. Sometimes I’d think that I didn’t know how to like someone. And then I would find someone I liked and tell myself: remember this! You are capable of liking a man and of intimacy. And then it would end. Then sometimes I think that relationships require a skill that I never learned. I saw a therapist for a while, seeking help with these issues. I stopped seeing her only because I was moving. Her parting words to me: you are a lovely person and you will meet someone.
Did I? And not know it? Or not know how to do it? I feel like a failure at even just being a person. This natural thing that everyone else seems able to do, eludes me.
Yes I’ve had a few of those relationships too, ones which let me know that I was capable of truly enjoying the company of a man.
Recently I was getting my hair done on, of all times, prom night! One of the girls next to me was up for prom queen, and when her dad came to pick her up, he was very proud. I felt, in that moment, like I’d missed everything good in life.
But, the woman who was doing my hair was in her early thirties and single and childless… she was also passionate about her job, and I was reminded again that there is life for the non-prom-queens and the non-parents.
Marriage, and relationships in general, require sacrifice and effort, so you do have to feel that the person you are with is actually worth the sacrifice and effort. If you don’t feel that way fairly early on, it’s unlikely that things will get better, instead of worse, when the gloss of things being new has worn off.
Perhaps some people are able to put up with more negative aspects in a partner because for them just being able to say they are married is a significant reward in and of itself. Maybe, as Allie said, they need to for financial reasons. Or perhaps being alone is just so awful an alternative to them that they’d prefer anyone at all to having no one. For me, being with the right person trumps being alone, but being alone is still better than being with the wrong person.
… being alone is still better than being with the wrong person …
reminds me of something the Irish comedian Tommy Tiernan once said,
Would you rather be single or in a relationship?
Would you rather be lonely or insane?
Perhaps some people are able to put up with more negative aspects in a partner because for them just being able to say they are married is a significant reward in and of itself.
I think this is true for a lot of women. Marriage confers great social status, and some women appear to revel in it.
I had dinner the other day with two female coworkers, both married. There was a bit of unspoken but behavioural “lording it over” Autumn (whom they assume is a spinster). The reality is I have a very loving, amazing, and attractive S.O. but these women have never inquired about me beyond using me as a sounding board to talk about their own lives, so they remain unaware of his existence.
I don’t try to hide my LTR, but as an introvert, I will not volunteer it to people who are so self-involved that they sit at a dinner table for three hours without ever turning the subject of the conversation to anything other than themselves.
This is not the first time something like this has happened to me. I do find it interesting how incredibly self-regarding many married women are. I do wonder if they are trying too hard to convince themselves of something (that their status as wives means they are superior to single women).
Self centered people are the worst. I am sorry you had to suffer that (and continue to suffer). It also shows me that a) married people aren’t necessarily “better” people nor b) are they necessarily more happy. They certainly aren’t compassionate and thoughtful, are they?
Thanks, Starcatcher.
I am done with these one-sided social interactions and with trying to make friends. I will never again volunteer to sit at a coffee table or dinner table with a person or people who drone on and on in monologue about themselves, their kids, their husband, their job, their friends, etc. I am done with this one-sided social interaction. Which means I am basically a hermit, because nearly everyone I meet acts like this.
I hope a compassionate and thoughtful friend (or friends) will fall into my lap but I am not holding my breath. If you know where people like this can be found please let me know.
“I will never again volunteer to sit at a coffee table or dinner table with a person or people who drone on and on in monologue about themselves”
Hi Autumn.
I am guilty. I had coffee with a friend. A pretty new friend. We both took our turns listening. But afterwards I recalled that during one of my stories she said something twice, and strongly. And I realized that when my story was done I should have asked her to tell me more about that thing that she clearly felt strongly about. I will have to bring it up and ask her next time.
We both took our turns listening
This actually puts you ahead of 99% of the people I have met in the last 10+ years.
There is always room for self-improvement (I too need to work on becoming a better listener to the handful of people I know who know how to give instead of just take), but socially I find nearly every time the entire conversation consists of them talking about themselves, me asking questions about them, and them talking more about themselves.
How difficult, after a 20-minute monologue about your week-long Christmas trip to your in-laws, interspersed with my questions and “Ah, that’s lovely” is it to say, “How did you spend YOUR Christmas, Autumn?”
Part of why I would love to return to America permanently is that Americans tend in the main to be less self-centered in conversation. There is usually some genuine give and take. In Europe, the opposite almost always occurs.
i only bother with quality people now. In fact I only bother with quality anything I’d rather go without than have rubbish around. And that goes for people too. i sort of think life is too short to fill it with stuff or people that don’t enhance your life.
Joan Crawford’s take (albeit in character), in 1931:
http://browngurlwfro.tumblr.com/post/87811863633/shesfiction-twoshotsofhappyoneshotofsad
Bitterbabe,
You just haven’t yet found yourself in the right place at the right time, as simple as that.
And you need to take out the clause that says ‘he has to have a red-brick college degree, a six figure salary job and two Ferraris’.
I do very strongly believe that neither men nor women were meant to exist alone. I am a twin; to me, a life alone is pointless due to my DNA, if you will. I do not need my partner (of ten plus years) in the slightest – I’m 43, childless and have supported myself through working full time for the last 25+ years. But I absolutely 100% want my partner in my life, and would find it meaningless without him. Am not ashamed to admit this either. There literally isn’t much point to anything in life unless it is shared, IMHO.
Nothing changes if nothing changes. Don’t stay home….no-one will knock at your door and say ‘Hi, I’m your friendly local ‘you shall not wilt’ service’.
I wish you all the best.
Thanks! But the only clause is compatibility, which seems just as difficult to find, even as I do get out and about.