the regrouping
by rantywoman
It turns out that a man I was set up with on a blind date here was also set up with a woman who used to work at my same place of employment, while the man who pulled the recent disappearing act just showed up on the Facebook page of another single blogger, posed in front of the same coffee chain where we first met.
Both men are in their fifties, childless, and left me with some confusion about their sexual orientation.
Even in a megalopolis it can sometimes feel like the same small number of single men are being reshuffled over and over, especially when one is primarily dating the over-fifty and childless.
That’s one of the many reasons I need to take breaks from dating– to let both my mind and the pool refresh.
thebitterbabe 
Hi Ranty
This comment is in response to both your last post and many of the others you have posted over the last week. I know that in “Gwyndolyn” you acknowledged you were down and that you realized you had it better than most. But honestly Ms. Ranty, I have found last week’s posts to be down right depressing. I wonder if it is good for you to constantly find and post articles that just reaffirm your low thoughts?
I would like for a minute to list all your good qualities I gather to be accurate from reading your blog:
1. You are educated and employable. In fact more than just mere employable, you have a good, top position in a stable field.
2. You are well within the description of what most would reasonably consider attractive. No you can not please everyone, but you don’t need to.
3. You have the capacity to find the new and interesting in your day to day. It doesn’t seem like you let things get stale.
4. You haven’t let some bad luck/timing/choices get the best of you! You keep going.
Honestly, it just seems like you are lacking (as you have acknowledged) a good friend/confident/cheerleader to back you up, cheer you up.
Here is some unsolicited advice on what seems to be your major problems:
You are unhappy with your job and will never get to be a writer.
1. Stop laying out your financial records. You know the earliest you can retire is at least 6 years. Good. Take retiring off the table and revisit again at that time. Nothing good will come from thinking about it now.
2. I refuse to believe your job is all bad. Try to focus on the aspects you like. Yes, being the boss and having the boss’s salary means you can not look to lower level employees for support. Yes, it means you can not talk about certain topics. But many jobs are like that, even for people who are paid to be writers. I suggest finding a support group for women in management to talk out issues. Also, find communities in which open discussion is welcome (more on that later).
3. You are a writer right now. Your commitment to this blog proves that. Have you researched any opportunities that could come about using this blog as a “portfolio”? I would be happy, and I am sure many other readers as well, to point out which posts I found to be particularly well written.
No boyfriend and thoughts of never having one—Please stop letting this negative strain of thought repeat over and over again in your head!!! You are what, 44 years old?? You have all of the above mentioned good qualities, and live in a highly populated area.
My thoughts:
1. I think you look for the wrong men. Point blank. Stop looking for the creative, intellectual, etc. Just stop. It hasn’t worked in the past, why is going to work now? I think you are living in the south bay area of Los Angeles? Do you know how many men, family men with grown children, divorce during between 45-60? Many, and a lot are in the south bay – which is known for being good for families. Case in point- my friend, quite a bit older than me, has a brother. He is a lawyer, was living in Manhattan Beach. Once the youngest girl left for college marriage fell apart. Not only is his ex wife remarried, but he also has a live in girl friend. He was about 58/59 when he got divorced. No his girlfriend is not 25. After many attempts on his behalf to meet someone, he met her online. She was 45 maybe 47, never married, no kids. And my friend’s brother had no interest in raising any more kids, so the fact she has none he viewed positively. My friend tells me they are very happy together, they like to sing and play instruments together. But her brother is not at all the typical “creative” type.
My suggestion- just look for an available, good guy. Maybe the guy wont be a creative type, but I bet you would be happy making great meals with someone. Or going swimming together, etc this list goes on. Just be open to men outside who you originally pictured yourself with.
No friends.
1. Have you considered creating a walking group? Maybe post something in local cafes or a meet up group. Get together once, twice a week for walks. I bet you find a friend to confide in.
2. Be the person to invite the other. This has always worked for me. And yes some wont invite back. Don’t take it personally and move on.
3. Join a club,group, etc that you enjoy going to and give it time. Sometimes it takes a few times seeing someone before you can even get a chance to click. This doesnt happen with one time meetings
4. Find political groups, religious, volunteer groups that have the same beliefs you do. Even if you don’t connect friend wise, I am sure you will find interesting conversation.
I don’t want to ramble on anymore. I have truly enjoyed reading your blog over the years and hoped I offered some good insights.
Thanks, I really liked your response! And I appreciate the time you took to wrote it.
I am feeling better, as I had to get over the negativity before I ended up in a neck brace from muscle pain! I am going to have to accept that I need to be emotionally repressed at work– I can’t change that and it’s not going to be fun. But I’m coming to terms with it. I do occasionally socialize with other women in my position and have a luncheon coming up. I can’t be completely honest with them either as it could hurt my career, but just being with other people who know the drill is a help.
I do love writing this blog but now even more so than before I can’t risk going public with it as I feel like I’m living in a small town and in the spotlight’s glare. Perhaps in my retirement it could be reformulated into a book. At least it’s good for some emotional release.
Still torn about dating “creatives.” Yep it’s never worked out but usually they are the ones I can be myself around. I’m now in more frequent contact with other types of men, however, and am open to other possibilities should I get asked out.
Am joining a bike group that meets soon and going to a party next weekend and some other stuff. Have shown up for some other meetings that have gotten cancelled. I keep looking and trying. I think I finally just stopped this past week and let myself feel truly pissed off about the fact that “getting out there” never seems to get me anywhere. It’s not even really anyone’s fault… it’s a bit me and my coping strategies (but then everyone has those), it’s a bit my preferences (but then everyone has those too), it’s a bit of my environment, it’s a bit luck, etc. And I can’t stay stuck in anger without making myself ill.
Also yes I live in a decent place, better than most, but one that has it’s own unique social challenges which I’m grappling with…
Loved the story of your friend.
My friend tells me they are very happy together, they like to sing and play instruments together. But her brother is not at all the typical “creative” type.
My suggestion- just look for an available, good guy. Maybe the guy wont be a creative type, but I bet you would be happy making great meals with someone. Or going swimming together, etc this list goes on. Just be open to men outside who you originally pictured yourself with.
Allie,
This is great dating advice. A lot of cerebral women overlook men because they find them too “boring.” I have found that divorced and widowed men with children and normal (non-creative) jobs tend to have tremendous depth of character and intellectual curiousity, particularly in comparison to their more “arty” counterparts.
Working in a creative/intellectual field is a privilege. Having to go to work to support yourself and a family builds character in a way that these other jobs often (and I am generalising) do not.
“Creative types” that I found attractive in my younger years now just look whiny, self-centered, and effeminite in comparison to the hardworking men of character I have had the privilege to know in recent years (who are actually far more interesting as people than the average “creative.”).
In “The Circus Animals’ Desertion” Yeats wrote about the “foul rag and bone shop of the heart” as the source of great art. Men who know what this actually means from experience, not just aesthetically, are the best in the world 🙂