the mean reds
by rantywoman
It’s not just my eyesight that’s declining in middle age, it seems to also be my desire for close friends.
Over the years I was lucky enough to have some great friendships, but for one reason or another, they ended, and I no longer miss those particular women and have adapted to life without that kind of closeness. I’ve met some great NoMos lately and am happy to hang out, but I no longer have expectations. Whatever will be will be. I have some armor up, but that feels like a hard-earned and necessary survival tactic.
One of the things I do miss is the opportunity to share my WTF moments. It takes close, trusted friends for that. A WTF moment, in my book, is when someone gets something (a job, a financial windfall, a partner, another child, etc.) seemingly randomly and/or unjustly. It’s one of those moments that throws everything you’ve thought or been taught into doubt and makes you think life is truly unfair and/or random and/or meaningless.
The older I get, the more I realize that life is indeed often unfair, random, and meaningless, so I have less need to discuss those moments of surprise, and of course I realize that you can never really know what is going on in someone else’s life and all you can do is concentrate on your own journey. I don’t think, however, that it’s catty to want to discuss those things, as, at bottom, it can feel like the meaning of life has been thrown into question.
I put some of my WTF moments in this blog now, but they are entirely watered down and absent of detail, as I’m still paranoid that something I write could get back to someone, and I wouldn’t want that to happen. My intention is not to be mean, but to grapple with meaning.
thebitterbabe 
I know that this wasn’t the main subject of your post but I got to say this: people get better jobs, get married and/or have kids because they simply do. In my opinion, it’s not a matter of justice or fairness. One does not get married or procriate because she is prettier/ smarter/ luckier than the women that don’t. Most people do that at some point in life, it’s very very common. It’s not really something to be proud of, like it’s the hardest thing in the world. There is no reason to WTF about it… It’s just highly overrated. Except the job, perhaps. Everybody rethinks their own decisions at some point in life, married or single women.
I agree Nana.
I’m starting to wonder if shows like Sex and the City gave me an unrealistic portrayal of female friendship. I would LOVE to be part of a group of 3 to 4 girlfriends that share (almost) everything with each other and hang out / eat together on a regular, at least weekly, basis. At this point, I just don’t see that happening. My husband thinks that’s unrealistic and that I need to focus on more realistic goals like school and work.
I love my husband but I just don’t think it’s healthy to focus all of my emotional energy on one person.
I was developing a close friendship with a woman I met late last year but now that friendship is coming to end. Nothing major happened between us but I think she started pulling away due to some feelings of jealousy she couldn’t deal with in a healthy manner.
I’m still hopeful though that I will be able to meet a few, close girlfriends. I don’t believe humans were meant to live in such an atomized manner.
“I’m starting to wonder if shows like Sex and the City gave me an unrealistic portrayal of female friendship.”
I suspect that show has given a few people some completely unrealistic expectations of female friendship. Really, would you consider any other products of Hollywood to be a realistic representation of any aspect of anything at all, ever? Is your romantic life supposed to look like a Hollywood film also? These shows are a form of escapism, depicting a world that people fantasise about, an ideal world, as opposed to the real world.
As Autumn said when it comes to close friends, if you are lucky enough to have any at all, “one or two is more the norm”. And those friendships are still likely to be very different to the idealised versions portrayed on entertainment shows like SATC. If you set your expectations too high, you are probably just setting yourself up for disappointment.
I’m still hopeful though that I will be able to meet a few, close girlfriends. I don’t believe humans were meant to live in such an atomized manner.
True friendship is marginalized in current Western culture and as a result it is very rare, although historically this was not always the case. As a result, most people use the label “friend” to apply to people who they fail to realise are really only acquaintances. “A dinner party of 20 of my closest friends” for example is a contradiction. True friendships between women are very countercultural in today’s society. A few men I have discussed this issue with frankly say the same is the case for them – that they have many male acquaintances, but only one or two male friends they can really count on.
I was interested in the Gateway Women events as a possible way of making friends, but reading their website it seems to emphasize self-discovery more than bonding of women’s friendships i.e. friendships might happen but that it is not the primary reason people go to these events (although I could be wrong). I also thought the cost of the retreats was prohibitive to many women. For example, one of my closest friends is on a fixed income because of disability/chronic illness and would never be able to afford such an event.
I would be very interested in a group that was geared toward the same demographic as Gateway Women but had the forging of women’s friendships as its primary objective, and also was a bit more inclusive to women of different income levels than Gateway Women appears to be, and was geared toward all types of non-mothers, including childless by choice, childless by circumstance (who definitely wanted children) and those such as myself who fit neither category in that they are ambivalent about not being a mother.
A dinner party of 20 of my closest friends” for example is a contradiction.
It’s actually worse than this. If someone said “10 of my close friends are coming to my birthday party” I would think they were either lying or deluded. One or two is more the norm, if you are lucky to have any at all. If you have three it is almost a miracle.
My ideal number would be four or five but I know it’s a pipe dream.
Where are you based autumn?
Sinead
I am in Europe but I am reluctant to be specific on this forum. I will tell you why:
A few years back I was debating with some men on a Red Pill site under a different screen name, telling them why they were misogynistic. It was an intelligent and heated debate but not unfriendly. This went on for about a week and I mentioned the city I live in at one point and some details about my job. When I refused to back down from my position, one of them snapped and then said he was going to try to doxx me (!!!) and no, HE WAS NOT JOKING (there were some emails behind the scene with the blog admin that confirmed this). After that I stopped posting on the internet for over a year.
So this is why I say “Europe”, especially given that some Red Pill Men read this blog 🙂
Europe is specific enough Autumn. If you want to get in touch by email, I can most likely point you in the direction of local women who organise women’s events.