blessings
by rantywoman
http://eleanorewells.com/divorce-envy/
Janine says:
May 5, 2012 at 6:29 AM
I, too, have divorce envy, due to the frequently obscene payouts they get once it’s done and dusted! It’s true – you have to admit, financially they come out laughing most of the time. Those of us struggling can only envy that.
It is a perplexing thing, that the three-time divorcee is congratulated. I think it’s the whole notion of popularity – men in general tend to aim for the most in-demand female in the school, at the party, in the office, on the internet dating site. It’s something that never seems to change as they age. I used to get so tired of dates whining about single mums and women with “baggage” that I would proudly tell them I was never married and unemcumbered, until I realised it was turning any serious prospects off. Meanwhile I’d see women with the most complicated lives win hearts time and time again. Thank God I no longer date. Can’t please the pricks no matter what.
Many times – particularly as I’m hurtling towards 50 – I lament the fact that I was cherished and adored for such a brief period in my life (the rest biding their time), and may never be again, but then I think hard back to that time and the reasons why I left him. I knew I couldn’t have sustained that relationship – and probably ANY relationship.
So when all this gets me down, I look at the downside of all those divorces – going through divorce is like going through death, so they say. I see these sad, broken souls who never get over their spouse leaving them – consumed for years by bitterness and angst, engaged in diobolical family court battles. There’s one I know who leaves multiple daily cries for help and vicious threats to his ex on Facebook. SEVEN YEARS ON. And they call US tragic?
All those guys I met who were emotionally unavailable cos they still had it bad for their ex. Surely the same applies to women, although women do tend to leave men a lot more often. Why? Well for the reason you alluded to – women tend to marry regardless of whether or not they truly love the guy, just for the sake of being married. You can only keep that charade up for so long before going bonkers – just ask me. At least I stopped short of getting a ring on my finger, and you know what? I really, really respect myself for that.
So, when confronted with this kind of lunacy, I suggest you counter with these very arguments. Yes, we may get lonely maybe once a month, briefly, but I’d much prefer that to some prolonged living hell arising from a messy divorce. And let’s face it – we all know it isn’t always “amicable”. It was genuinely traumatic, and they also have to deal with a loss of status. You should see all the guys in my apartment tower downsizing from their mansions to a one-bedroom “bachelor pad”. How crushed, how small, they feel. For me, I’m delighted with my flat and couldn’t be happier with the size of it. Life goes on merrily, even if I don’t have that special someone to holler at.
So I’ve decided not to have divorce envy. I’ll just think of all those embarrassing divorcees, like Kim Kardashian, enjoy the peace and quiet, and count my blessings.
thebitterbabe 
I’ve been through a divorce and let me say this woman’s thinking is twisted and offensive. It’s clear why she was “cherished and adored for such a brief period of time” and she’s a classic example of the undateable single women I referred to in another comment. I am godsmacked at her self-obsession, self-entitlement and emotional immaturity. What would a longterm singleton, who freely admits she couldn’t sustain any relationship, know about the inner workings of divorce? Not much it seems. She needs to put down the tabloids, get out of her head and engage with the real world.
I think all divorces (and marriages) are certainly not the same, but I will say I’ve seen a few marriages (some ending in divorce, some not) that were supremely dysfunctional from the get-go.
Sure, dysfunction exists in many relationships. I’m not disputing that. What I find strange is her money-envy, beginning with:
“I, too, have divorce envy, due to the frequently obscene payouts they get once it’s done and dusted! It’s true – you have to admit, financially they come out laughing most of the time. Those of us struggling can only envy that.”
“They get” – what does she mean – they GET?
“Come out laughing”?
“Obscene payments”
And this comes from a woman whose About me page introduces herself as (capitals are mine):
“I am a heterosexual woman, I live in New York City, I love dating…and I date a lot. I have an awesome life: a successful career as the owner of a marketing consultancy –Golden Door Consulting– with a GREAT INCOME that allows me to afford a SECOND HOME in the HAMPTONS, an active social life, and VACATIONS AROUND THE WORLD. I have great relationships with my family and a fabulous circle of good friends. I support charitable organizations with my MONEY and time, and adore my 11-year-old Yorkie, Danny. Despite all this goodness, there are many who look at my statistics and feel sorry for me.”
I’m confused. She freely says she couldn’t maintain any relationship and her About Me page states, “Marriage and kids were never really in my plans”. So she is where she always wanted to be. And I think that’s great. However, it’s also a bad sign that she’s staring so intently at other people’s plates.
If I was looking for an opinion on marriage and divorce, a longterm spinster (her own label) with zero interest and very limited experience in romantic relationships would be one of the last people I’d call on. I see this with other older, single, never married women I know. A lot of their relationship knowledge is out of date and undeveloped. Understandable because they haven’t had a relationship in a long while. But noticeable all the same.
She ends with “So I’ve decided not to have divorce envy”. Well, that’s probably a good thing, seeing as she’s no interest in getting married! Seeing as it’s more money she really wants than a divorce, it would be more honourable if she earned it herself than wishing another person’s heartache to come temporarily into her life.
I just find this type of thinking very sad.
Well I do know of examples of women who have ended up with pretty plum divorce settlements, as well as getting some social security benefits if the marriage lasted at least ten years.
Can’t find it now of course, but there was also a USA Today article about divorced people having more status than the never-married.
Like I said, all divorces and marriages are different, but I think when you are a long-term single, you end up thinking WTF a lot about dysfunctional partnerships and somehow being judged as lesser for not being in one. At this point though my WTF moments are (thankfully) brief (although they still happen), as I just can’t be sussed about other people’s lives as much anymore.
@Sinead Hi — Actually, Ranty quoted “Janine,” who commented on Eleanore Wells’s website. The “About Me” page YOU quote is Eleanore’s, not Janine’s.
Oh right, sorry. Well then split my comment between the two ladies.
“I feel jealous of divorced women because they have more social capital than I do”.
Can anyone give me some examples of the increased social capital* Eleanore refers to?
* social capital – what an awful phrase
Sinead,
I was equally appalled by Janine’s post, but not surprised, since I tend to find many people, regardless of marital status, to be both mercenary and self-centered in their dealings with others. Unfortunately, Janice is pretty much bog-standard IME.
With respect to social capital – I think Eleanore is referring to the fact that married women have more social status in mainstream society than single women, and a divorced women, although no longer married, still benefits from this bias. I do think she is correct, BTW.
I found Eleanore’s blog interesting and well-written, but to me it is very limited in its usefulness in that most people (including women) do not have anything approaching her career/financial success, and that therefore much of what she says doesn’t really apply.
There is nothing at all wrong with success and good fortune, in fact they are blessings, but I found the way Eleanore bragged about her accomplishments (as quoted above) to be very unappealing.
Your comments always seem so thoughtful and measured Sinead. I can’t see why you are so exercised about this one.
She seems to be pointing to some true and unremarkable facts.
First, that many divorced women are left in a financially more secure state than they would have been in had they remained single. Not everyone obviously. But it’s clearly a recognisable phenomenon in a world in which men still earn significantly more than women and the divorce laws equitably divide up assets and, indeed, are generally favourable to women especially if they have children. In my own circle of friends I know some stunning examples of this.
Secondly, that people do seem to see single women and divorced women differently.
Thirdly, that divorce often does leave a fair bit of emotional devastation in its wake.
Her main point seems to be that the grass is not always greener. A point that Rantywoman sometimes makes herself – and is also perhaps indirectly making again by the selection of this quote.
PS I don’t see what’s so awful about the phrase “social capital”. It’s a useful and powerful concept. I would urge anyone to read Putnam’s “Bowling Alone” which did much to establish its use. It’s brilliant. (Although as far as its application here, I agree that there’s no reason why single women can’t accumulate social capital too).
Hi Zoe,
I’m “exercised” because I don’t agree with what Janine says in regard to other people’s private divorce settlements and find her money-envy words distasteful. Her choice of words and phrases was also quite flippant.
“I, too, have divorce envy, due to the frequently obscene payouts they get once it’s done and dusted! It’s true – you have to admit, financially they come out laughing most of the time. Those of us struggling can only envy that.”
Perhaps I’m oversensitive because I’m divorced. I don’t know. Perhaps I’m more appropriately sensitive because I’m divorced. Perhaps.
Sure, we’d all like to have more money in our pockets but if someone said the above to my face (I didn’t get an obscene payout btw and even if I had), I would question them directly.
“Frequently obscene payouts” also don’t happen in the world of regular, middle income 30 – 45 year olds. Because there just isn’t much to split once big mortgages etc are reconciled. Boomer divorces or those of the rich and famous do have more net assets but I’m not of that generation or social circle, so I won’t speculate how things work for them.
I also agree that divorce often leaves emotional devastation in its wake. I never disagreed with that point. I knew nothing about divorce until it became part of my life. I knew some of the lingo and process, and imagined it wouldn’t be easy but I look back on my pre-divorce ideas now and realise I didn’t have a clue what divorce entailed. Why would I?
I suppose it’s the same as most mothers having a limited understanding of the life of a childless woman, or a childless woman not fully knowing what goes on in a mother’s life, or a single woman not really knowing what marriage is like and so on. We can all guess and do our best to empathise but sometimes there are gaps. Big gaps. Like Janine’s words above.
Lastly, I’d still like to hear some tangible (not just self-perception) examples of how divorced people have more social capital than single people. I’m not doubting it exists. I just haven’t knowingly experienced it firsthand, so would welcome opinions.
Lastly, I’d still like to hear some tangible (not just self-perception) examples of how divorced people have more social capital than single people. I’m not doubting it exists. I just haven’t knowingly experienced it firsthand, so would welcome opinions.
That’s a good question, Sinead. I can’t think of any specific examples, but maybe others will come up with anecdotes. It is a generalization of course, but I think it holds true – GENERALLY, with the general principal being, if a woman has never been married it is assumed she was “left on the shelf” whereas in the case of a divorced woman, she was “chosen” at some point, even if the marriage has ended.
Each circumstance however is highly individual. I know women who treated their husbands like cr*p for years, in effect used them, and ended up with a huge divorce settlement to match their huge selfish egos; by contrast, I know women who were treated very badly by their husbands and got very little from him except the pain, misery, humiliation, and despair caused when he left. Moreover, in a case like the latter, I can imagine that amongst married women who are uncaring, the divorced woman might be looked down on even more than a never married woman.
The idea that “divorce is inevitably easy for women and horrible for men” is a myth. Any time spent on a forum like Mumsnet will show that there is a whole spectrum, and that circumstances are highly individualized.
Hi Autumn – thanks for pointing out that Eleanore probably means social status rather than social capital.
Part of my confusion was due to this choice of word. Social capital refers to economic gain derived from preferential treatment and I was thinking, “When would I as a divorced woman have an economic benefit over a single woman as a result of my marital status? and I couldn’t think of any instance.
http://firstpersonsingular.org/2013/10/23/the-single-stigma-real-or-imagined/
decent amount of comments too
Interesting link. The linked blogger is a professional black woman living in NYC. To be fair, her universe of potential mates is vanishingly small. So I think she’s probably making a virtue out of a necessity when she laments her never-married status.
And then this. “I, too, have divorce envy, due to the frequently obscene payouts they get….”
Well, no sh!t. Men know this too you know. And even outside NYC where the payouts aren’t necessarily obscene they’re often still catastrophic for the man.
The linked blog has the usual edge of ostentatious triumphalism. Why is it such a big deal that an adult woman can support herself? I’d be impressed if she was supporting three other people as many men do.
So I located the address of her house in East Quogue. It’s off the end of the main runway of the Francis S. Gabreski Airport, a general aviation airport that has 160 aircraft movements a day and is also about 1,000 feet from an exit off Route 27, a major highway. Quiet and peaceful it ain’t.
“Why is it such a big deal that an adult woman can support herself?”
I agree.
I hope that her universe of potential males is “vanishingly small” because of her age, not her colour.
Seriously she comes across as extremely bitter. Not all divorces are equal. In most cases I would imagine that most parties are worse off and worst of all are the children. They suffer most. An average couple who work in regular jobs and struggle will not divorce at the drop of a hat. They will try to keep things going primarily for the children but also for economic reasons.
The rich are different. I would think the author of this blog is referring to divorcees of rich men getting huge payouts. The man will move on to someone younger and prettier than the ex-wife and the ex-wife can enjoy the fruits of her divorce(s).
An average divorced man or woman will find things much more difficult. Both will struggle financially and find it harder to adjust. Perhaps women appear to adjust better because they usually get custody of the children and they have to keep going. If they can they stay in the family home. Men who are left without custody of the children have to move out, downsize and see less of their children.
The children suffer most. In the real world there are no winners in divorce.