the new nuns
I had a physical this week and had to answer a barrage of questions along the lines of: Have you been depressed in the past week? Do you feel a lack of hope and how often? Do you sometimes feel life is not worth living? And so on. I checked “no” to all of them, as I don’t see any point in confessing “yes” to any of it. Will my doctor provide me with compatible friends or a list of places to meet viable men? Well okay then.
All in all, I feel like I’m puttering through well enough on my own. The weather, as usual, has been beautiful, and I plan to get out in it this weekend. I’m recommitting to my Spanish and have a bunch of plans brewing related to my job. I do manage to get to some events alone, and I met up last weekend with another NoMo (unfortunately she lives about an hour away). The yoga and meditation continue to keep me calm and stabilize my health.
Having said all that, I am, after all, a monkey. And being a monkey, at some level I will always long for a tribe and for status and mating opportunities within that tribe. Yoga and meditation can only go so far in tamping down those animal instincts.
I’m unsure whether I will ever find that tribe here, as living in this place I’m reminded a bit of when I was in a sorority– I liked many of the women, but I never quite fit. And yet I do plan to settle in for several years. I can’t fathom another move.
A few decades ago, I probably would have turned to church for at least one of the reasons I now turn to meditation– as a way to cope with situations I have little control over. Many of us middle-aged women in yoga pants might once have been wearing nun habits.
I think you were wise to not answer “yes” to that doctor’s questionnaire. If you had he/she would’ve probably pushed some anti depressants. I don’t think that would’ve been helpful…would have clogged your vision and intuition and like you said, would not give you the tribe you so crave.
Re: the yoga and meditation to help with loneliness/life issues. I was going thru an interesting time in my early 30s. Just broken up with a love and I joined a hardcore meditation group. The promise of the guru was that “all sorrows would be taken away” with “enlightenment”. I really liked that promise for I did have sorrows all my life. So I pursued and I worked at it hard but that never happened for me so I gave up. I still believe that those who do become enlightened are “lifted” out of normal needs but I never succeeded.