cuts
by rantywoman
This past week I had some fun–including drinks out with a lively, smart, successful, never-married NoMo and a gorgeous, visually riotous bike ride along the beach– but overall, I found it to be a rather brutal seven days. I call it “death by a thousand paper cuts.” Over the course of the week, there occurred a series of small, humiliating, deflating moments that added up to one big overall feeling of defeat.
I used to yearn for a partner during these times, imagining someone who would always be in my corner, bolstering me along and soothing my wounds. The truth is, however, that a partner, even a good one, could just as likely be another source of ego-bruising.
I am happy to report, though, that I’ve come along way to being my own source of support. My apartment is a warm, happy place– a cozy retreat from the world. When I’m home alone, I don’t allow thoughts of self-blame or self-harm to take over. I’ve pretty much eradicated those impulses. Instead, I take the time to understand what I’m feeling, why I’m feeling it, and why I made a mistake (or a perceived mistake)– something that other people often don’t have the time or inclination to do. I’m gentle with myself.
I admit all this is making me more cautious about the idea of opening my life up to someone, someone who might upset the equilibrium I so carefully manage to restore at the end of each long day.
thebitterbabe 
Sorry about the rough week but glad there was some fun in there too. I think caution is good but I hope you don’t close yourself off to possibility either. I don’t believe “a partner, even a good one, could just as likely be another source of ego-bruising” and so think that were you to find that right person, they would be another source of gentle support to you, in addition to the support and care you are providing yourself. That’s what a loving spouse does, they are a source of support and a safe place to fall, not the opposite. That doesn’t mean they sit around and flatter you all day, or aren’t honest when feedback is necessary, but just that they provide love and support and are on your side. But of course as you noted it’s important to be able to provide that to ourselves too, and I’d add it’s important to be that for other people as well, whether that’s friends, family, a spouse or whoever. Hope this next week looks much brighter for you.
You say: “I admit all this is making me more cautious about the idea of opening my life up to someone, someone who might upset the equilibrium I so carefully manage to restore at the end of each long day.”
That may be the bane of all older people in the relationship marketplace. Call me “set in my ways,” but that is my observation, being a relatively long no longer married older person myself.
A “bitter babe” might look back at all those years having been unmarried and think “what if,” whereas, someone who was married for a big chunk of time might likewise look back at all those years and think “what if.”
Who can tell?