the unsuitable
by rantywoman
I take a deep breath. There is this blanket rule of blaming single women altogether for their circumstance. But the truth is, most men don’t want to settle down, at least not until they are in their late thirties or forties. And women are told to pretend they don’t want to be married because it will scare the men off. A woman is labeled “desperate” to be married if she admits she wants to be married until she meets a man who is ready to be married. It’s a rather disingenuous way to live for both genders.
It somehow became unnatural for a woman to want to be married and have children. Women are walking on eggshells with men, as if even this hint of marriage might deem her “crazy” or “desperate.” Even checking the box on an online dating site in your twenties or even early thirties saying you want to “get married” makes you seem as if you’re coming on too strong. And yet, before you know it, you’re deemed “too old” to marry.
thebitterbabe 
That article goes on to state:
“But instead of expecting more of the men, women are told to be less selective. We’re not entitled to be so picky, I keep hearing. Most of the advice my friends and I hear begins with how women could stand to lower their expectations in order to be fulfilled.”
Maybe the problem is that the majority of men who are single after a certain age are simply not quality mate material. I wouldn’t know — I’m a guy, so I have not surveyed the field.
Either that, or the inherent nature of middle aged men in general is to seek younger women, perhaps as a way of avoiding the reality of a loss of youth. Or maybe that trait is hardwired into a man’s brain. In either situation, maybe what that is saying is that, the older a man gets, the less mature he becomes?
A woman in her 20s could always marry a man somewhat older than her (in his 30s). I think she may just have to go out and socialize a lot, too, in her 20s and meet as many people as possible so that she can increase her chances of meeting the right guy who will marry her. It seems like a lot of young women, too, really aren’t that interested in marriage but are willing to have sex without a commitment (ideally marriage). That makes it really tough for those women who do want to get married. You could check out the Rules Revisited. The writer talks a lot about these issues. (Someone else already posted a link to an article on this site under a different one of your entries.)
And women are told to pretend they don’t want to be married because it will scare the men off. A woman is labeled “desperate” to be married if she admits she wants to be married until she meets a man who is ready to be married….
It somehow became unnatural for a woman to want to be married and have children. Women are walking on eggshells with men, as if even this hint of marriage might deem her “crazy” or “desperate.” Even checking the box on an online dating site in your twenties or even early thirties saying you want to “get married” makes you seem as if you’re coming on too strong.
I am a middle-aged single professional woman, so I do have a lot of direct experience of these issues, and I think the writer has it wrong.
There is a huge difference between a woman “wanting to get married” and “being desperate to be married” although the difference tends to manifest itself in subtle ways. Namely, those who are “desperate to get married” tend to personalize/direct this wish to every single man they date instead of holding it back in her mind as an ideal that she hopes to pursue when a suitable man arrives – something she will NOT be discernible by interrogation, or even indirectly in one, two, or three dates. No man likes to feel he is under constant scrutiny.
If ANY man labels a woman “crazy” or “desperate” for speaking positively about the institution of marriage, this is a big red flag that she should not waste her time by (a) arguing with him or (b) accepting further dates with him. Moreover, if she allows these bad experiences to color her view of the male gender as a whole this will come across to every man she whether she realizes it or not. Most men have a very sensitive radar for detecting when a woman disrespects men as a whole; those who want to marry are (and I believe this is true without exception) seeking a woman who has unconditional respect for the male gender.
Finally, there are plenty of men out there who hold a positive view of marriage, I explicitly for marriage-minded men when I was using online dating sites last year, and I had no problem attracting several of them. I used a wide age range on my search, namely from my own age through to 20 years older. No one who replied to me even hinted that I was “crazy” or “desperate” – in fact, I met some fantastic marriage-minded men (mainly divorced, but also a couple of widowers 10+ years older than me). All these men would have made good husbands from what I could see of them.
Sorry if these comments are too edgy, but I really feel a need to counter what I feel is an inaccurate portrayal of the dating market (I am in my late 40s).
Interesting to hear about your online dating experiences, Autumn. They actually sound positive and hopeful! Thanks for your posts.
Hi Rachel,
I’m happy to learn that you found my experiences both interesting and hopeful!
The claim that “there are no good men” is B.S. The sooner single women start to realize this, the sooner her chances of happiness will increase.
Admin – I just posted a reply to Rachel but used the wrong screen name(one from a different blog). If you could delete that post in order to avoid confusion I would appreciate it!
What I wrote was:
Hi Rachel,
I am glad you found my post both interesting and encouraging. The meme that “there are no good men” is a myth, and the sooner women realize this, the more quickly their chances for happiness will increase.
And women are told to pretend they don’t want to be married because it will scare the men off.
One more point – I am not sure who is peddling this advice but it is VERY bad advice. If a woman holds a positive view of the institution of marriage there is absolutely no reason to hide this. I am not saying she should necessarily disclose it on the first or second date, but it would be well within reason to inquire early on whether her date holds a similarly positive view.
NB: She should not inquire about marriage to HER specifically, but rather, just in regard to his views of MARRIAGE AS AN INSTITUTION. This difference is key.
Finally, consider the source of any “dating advice.” If a single woman is taking dating advice from the likes of Monica Porter, she is going to lose. Women have made the mistake over the last 40+ years of listening only to women about men, instead of listening to men. If they would listen to men instead of their girlfriends their dating lives would improve. The Rules Revisited, cited above, is one of the best dating sites written for women by a man. He is a young guy, but he is very insightful.