just thinking

by rantywoman

Despite all the red flags, I let the recent dalliance play out, and play out it seems to have done. I continue to be surprised that people aren’t more polite/ respectful, especially with a like-minded peer who circulates in the same professional world, but at this point I shouldn’t be. In any case, it feels as if my last link to my old self and interests and lifestyle has been cut.

So I can no longer avoid facing up to my current circumstances. Alone here, lost in a place that, for better or worse, is not quite in sync with how I’ve spent the prior three decades of my life. This weekend I considered going to a small literary breakfast that I attended in the past, but I couldn’t cope with an hour plus drive and the two freeways I would have to take to get there. It was a fairly stimulating event, but last year I had to go alone and nothing came of it socially, so it was hard for me to justify the drive.

The fact is, most of this country is suburban and social life remains modeled on the nuclear family pattern. I’ve been lucky/savvy enough to live in the center of the handful of cities that break the mold, and even so, I got tired of going out by myself and began to feel like I was aging out of a lot of it.

Now I’m living in a very pleasant place that would be nice to settle down in with a partner, but I’m sans the partner.

I decided to just stay in this weekend and clean and take care of paperwork and cook and restore my sanity after a hectic week. I had a blissful dip in the ocean and finally got back to my Spanish. This could, conceivably, be how I spend the next ten years.

Writing. And thinking. Just thinking.

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