poison
by rantywoman
We are all familiar with how a celebrity like Angelina Jolie can make motherhood seem endlessly easy and fulfilling. She has, of course, endless funds and numerous nannies.
In the same way, single and childfree celebrities can make that lifestyle seem appealing. They have fulfilling careers, relatively few money worries, lots of time off, and plenty of admirers.
The average woman has to pick her poison. Should she go the stressful, harried route of full-time career combined with motherhood or risk being a stay-at-home mom and hope her husband never deserts her? Should she forego motherhood and even marriage altogether and risk being socially marginalized and economically vulnerable?
Choices, indeed.
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Each of the three choices is poison. What would the post look like if you also listed the good things associated with each of the choices? Pick your nectar.
None of them are very attractive options.
(1) A colleague at my firm is one of the “have it all” types — handsome husband, three great kids ranging in age from 12 to 20, a nice house in the suburbs, and she’s a name partner in the law firm. Problem is, she’s the primary breadwinner since her husband works as a low-salaried teacher and fulfills the typical “wifely” duties at home, so she, at age 58, is facing another 20 years of work just to get everybody through college and put some money aside for her and her husband’s old age. She’s miserable and out of her mind with stress. People at work dislike her, and she’s hinted that not all is well at home, either.
(2) Then there’s my sister — she took the traditional route — married for 25 years, two teenage kids, hasn’t worked outside the home in 20 years, followed her husband around the country for his job. He’s just abandoned her and the kids, and while he earned a perfectly decent living for an intact family, it’s not that much when stretched between two households, and under the law of the state where they live she isn’t going to get much alimony. She’s going to be struggling — she’ll probably end up stocking shelves at Walmart (a 30-year old B.A. doesn’t qualify you for any better employment), and I’ll supplement her income just to keep her off of food stamps. So, given the 50% divorce rate, one can risk this traditional route only if you’re going to marry someone rich and can count on walking away with a chunk of change.
(3) Then there’s me. Never married, alone for years, working long hours in a high-stress law practice just to make sure I’ll be able to keep body and soul together when I’m old. (And quite possibly support my sister as well — see #2 above.) No prospect of any respite — emotional or financial.
So, girls, which will it be?
I feel like I’m also #3. I think the key is the “marry rich” thing– the Cinderella fantasy we’re all fed to make up for our actual lousy options. My hope now is to just find a partner so we could pool our resources and enjoy our golden years, but of course that gets tougher to find as I get older.
Hi Ranty,
I just heard this on NPR yesterday and thought you would appreciate it:
http://wwno.org/post/working-moms-key-balance-may-lie-elusive-leisure-time
I do not envy her life at all!!!
Good find… thanks!
Never countenance divorce in your own life — separate only under the most dire of circumstances. Marry someone who will not countenance divorce. Marry young and have a large family starting at a young age. When your youngest child is 3 or 4, start your own business — e.g. daycare, sales rep for a company or draw upon whatever talents you may have. Have it all: marriage, kids and a career. Stressful? Yeah, as were the options in the Ranty’s post.
Easier said than done?
Yes, maybe. It’s a game plan that you have to adjust according to circumstances, which I guess is life.
Erm…..”not countenance divorce”– ? One does not have a choice; all 50 states now have so-called “no fault” divorce law. Ergo, a person might not WANT to end his/her marriage, but if his/her spouse wants out, that’s it. Period. There’s no way to predict what someone in their 20s (assuming that’s what you meant by “marrying young”) will “countenance” once they’re 38 or 47 or 56….
No fault divorce laws in 50 states does not make any individual pro divorce. It may be harder to find a person who is morally opposed to it, but that is what I’m suggesting people do, as best as possible. It is true that someone cannot predict how another person will change his or her mind on anything, including that person’s views on divorce.