transient states

by rantywoman

That left us with two choices: find a friend group that felt like one big family, or build a bigger family of our own. We love our friends, but California is a transient place. One glance at a kickball team photo from 7 years ago would reveal that only 10% of us still live here. We’ve still got the same sized group, but it’s something of a revolving door these days. It’s become difficult to want to get too comfortable with anyone.

So here I am, back in transient California, but without the option of building a family.

I’ve realized that my former life in L.A. is over. One friend is likely moving away, another has had a baby, and the rest just live too damn far. It feels like it’s time for the non-relationship to finally end, and it’s unlikely I will want to spend two hours in the car to see a five dollar show with performers with whom I only have the slightest connection.

The slight reconnections I made in my former city have already withered, except for one woman who is going through the IVF process. If she succeeds, I see that one withering as well.

The childhood friend who sent the photos of her kids keeps in touch intermittently, but our correspondence goes like this: I tell her of an interesting happening in my life, she sends photos/news of her kids. If we hadn’t been friends before, we’d have little reason to keep in touch. Far too little in common.

I like my new co-workers and see us getting along well but don’t necessarily see any of those relationships going farther than work. It doesn’t help being the boss. I’ve met some nice people out and about, but I’m in that unsure place in regard to when or how my next friendships will develop.

I met a man recently with whom I have a ton in common but I’m unsure of his sexual orientation. His correspondence with me is unpredictable, and I’m refusing to take it personally. I confess, though, that it would be wonderful to have a private, shared world with someone, a place I could retreat when I felt the void in the larger world.