tyranny
by rantywoman
Nice article and I like this reader’s comment:
Teri F. (Izzy66)
7
2,769 Fans·Curb your Amygdala
I longed for ‘love’ and coupledom throughout my adult life … Until I hit 50. Suddenly, I realized the ‘magic’ fella/qualifications/fantasies never showed up during my baby making years. Hitting that wall was traumatic; like a death of something. But it was a death of an idea, a concept. A belief since I began menstruation that I should follow this “lid for every pot” meme and find a Mate. Now Mating doesn’t take aging well and I found I simply had to finally. Let. IT go. It had become a form of tyranny in my life for too many years.
Grieving of the loss of a lifelong deeply held belief is devastating; but after a couple of years, I felt free. Free from comparing myself to my current circle of friends; Free from having to Search. Free from having to Audition.
My decades-long internal sense of being ‘on hold’ in life was lifted: I was no longer a Product I was constantly trying to ‘sell.’ Now I cook, paint canvas, kayak, write, enjoy being a part of my friends’ families as well as embrace what is left of the years with my parents.
For me it was a kind of bittersweet surrender: If the Dream isn’t happening, then Embrace What IS. And Life is much richer for it.
Maybe in the Next Life I’ll get my PhD in relationships…
thebitterbabe 
Really liked her article as well, identifying with it until I reached the part about family and friendship… and that struck a sad chord in me . If only I could feel that sense of security in that area of my life!
I think I am having a delayed reaction to the Valentine’s holiday hoopla, because for the past couple of days I’ve been cranky and sad, musing over two relatively recent losses of affection in my life (my cat – weird delayed grief syndrome I guess, he passed away late 2012?? – and the person I considered to be my best friend, who has cut off all contact with me going on 6 months now despite my repeated apologies, because of my well-intentioned but admittedly ill advised decision to intervene in an aspect of her personal life).
Single, childless/childfree? I can handle that. But what happens when you are also an only child, with aging parents an ocean away, and no one in your life who you feel you can be vulnerable with and can turn to in times of crisis, no one you consider “family”?
Over the last decade or so, I’ve focused most of my emotional energy on nurturing close friendships ( I’ve always considered the possibility of romantic success a crapshoot), becoming the best friend I can be, and whilst my circle of casual/new friends has indeed increased , bringing some much needed joy and companionship into my life, all of the closest bonds I’d formed – the “family” type ones – have disappeared, for various reasons – some my fault, others not. And that feels like a huge failure on my part. It’s also shut off a part of my heart, which scares me a little. Am hoping that time will fade the wounds , grant me some more clarity of thought and enable me to open up again to the possibility of close relationships…of any sort, not just the romantic kind.
Hi there, Bitter Babe, what you have taken from Melanie’s piece resonates so deeply with me. I’m ‘only’ 41 but I too am coming to realise that that long-term, life-changing relationship/ marriage is probably never going to happen. I am set in my ways comfortable living on my own terms and although I internet date from time to time…it’s complicated. I’ve let go of the baby dream, next step is the ‘one day I’ll meet someone’ dream. And it IS liberating. Freaky maybe, liberating definitely. I’m not even sure what I want from a man these days, other than great sex, which is NOT a given, what might he add? Thank you.
Thanks for reading… I am also glad “the pressure’s off.”