It’s that time of year for counting blessings and I can’t say enough about how wonderful the Gateway Women forum is (now over 1000 members strong):
http://www.gateway-women.com/community
Even though I’ve passed through my grieving process, I still “wobble” occasionally. In just the past year, some of the women I’ve had long, intimate talks with about childlessness have gone on to find partners and/or get pregnant, and if it wasn’t for the forum, I imagine these instances would have once again triggered profound feelings of failure and a 24-hour loop in my head going “what’s wrong with me, what’s wrong with me, what’s wrong with me.”
Instead, I check in with the forum and realize I am far from alone and that every sentiment I’ve explored in this blog is echoed there many times over. It’s been my virtual support group, and I can’t imagine how I’d be feeling without it.
Thank you Jody Day!
The holidays can bring up childhood traumas and emotional angst. They can be a huge trigger for feeling lonely when you are single. I am tired of all that. My new idea is that I am back to embracing the childlike wonder of it all. I am done with the woe-is-me-I’m-single-at-the-holidays thing, and I am going back to childlike wonder.
I’m also trying to figure out whether I should rent my place or sell it this time around.
I have enjoyed the “safety net” feeling this condo has provided me– the sense that I have a home in the world.
So why would I sell it? Because although I’ve made many acquaintances here in the past six months, and I’ve reconnected with two or three friends in a way that could have grown stronger if I’d stayed, and I have some sense of how I could build a community here, at the present moment I don’t have strong enough ties to warrant a visit back after I leave. So why keep the property?
I may rent it for a year just in case, but I think holding onto it long-term is holding onto a fading illusion.
I was restless in my thirties in this city; watching my chance to have a family pass me by led me to believe I needed a bigger playing field for both dating and jobs.
Now that I’ve accepted I won’t be having kids, and my relationship desires have been pared down to happy companionship, and my pleasures in general have become much simpler, I could be quite content here. It was an adjustment at first, but I’ve settled in.
And now I have to leave.
I think I can be happy in my new spot as well; it’s just a strange feeling to move without much in the way of ambition propelling me.
The holidays are intensifying my sense of melancholy about this. My friends are having downtime with their families, while I’m gearing up for another solo journey.
Bad timing, but hopefully by the spring the emotional dust will be settled.
thebitterbabe 