starting from scratch

by rantywoman

I pushed myself out of the house this past weekend and am glad I did. I went out to hear live music and was asked to dance several times and also attended the screening of an environmental film that gave me some idea of how I can spend my free time if I end up staying here long-term. I enjoyed that latter group, although it consisted of one man fifteen years younger than me and the rest around fifteen years older. So be it.

I wavered a long time about moving back as I had doubts about my ability to build a social life here. I finally decided that, if I moved back, I would concentrate on my personal goals as opposed to a social life. I’m glad I prepared myself, as my fears were not unfounded.

Turns out that, yes, you can never go home again. People here are friendly but finding real connection is going to take some effort.

On the plus side, I haven’t run into any of the three women with whom I have had “falling outs” with in the past. On the negative, a friend of mine from college has still not found the time to call or see me in the six months I’ve been here. As I’ve written before, one of my friends moved to Los Angeles right about the time I arrived in town. Another one, someone I did hang out with a bit, moved to a house much farther away with his girlfriend a few months ago and I haven’t seen him since. I saw a few old acquaintances at one of his parties but not again. I reconnected with some work colleagues when I first arrived in town but those connections faded as my job search dragged on. After seeing him a couple of times upon first arriving back, I cut ties with my old fling. Another friend has been drowning in depression and that has kept any kind of friendship at baby.

I’m so even-keeled these days from all the kundalini yoga that I don’t feel angry about this in the way I would have in the past, but it’s no wonder the loneliness has been amping up. Out of necessity, I’ve grown accepting of the fact that some people are never going to reach out and others will be so busy that they will just stop answering emails. It’s funny what we accept in this modern world. We come to terms with the fact that most people are too busy to meet in person or talk on the phone, and then we grow accepting of the fact that they can’t even find the time to keep up an email conversation after the first reply.

I’m in fairly regular contact with three women– two married and childless (and one of those I struggle mightily to find common ground with) and one a single mother. Mostly I talk to people in my classes, who I tend not to see again when class ends, and people on the farm, who I don’t see a second time either. If I stay on, it will almost be like I’ve moved to a new city where I don’t know a soul. I will have to start all over and make connections from scratch.

I’ve accomplished a lot, but this is the point in time where I start to wonder about this move and whether it was worth it. My suspicions have been confirmed. Being single at this stage is a problematic status no matter where you live. Pulling a geographic won’t magically solve the difficulties.