never married, over forty, a little bitter

the core

I wonder if I will be quite so cavalier next time someone asks me “Why never married, why no kids”. Going for the laugh, now seems shallow – the easy out. After all – these are questions that go to the heart of femininity, to the core of being a woman. The answers we give will define how successful other people – and sometimes we ourselves, feel we have been as a female.

checking out

An acquaintance told me that she has a long-standing friend who is employed at a popular company in town and encouraged me to apply there. I put in an application for an entry-level job, but I didn’t hold my breath. Yesterday the acquaintance told me her friend never answered her email about my application. And so it goes.

I’m now down to one application for a professional job within this city, and one in another city in this state where I have family. I’m not that excited about the latter place, but it does meet my minimum requirements.

Meanwhile, I have six applications in for professional jobs in California, not including the prospects at my former organization. The writing on the wall is becoming clearer and clearer. I’ve stopped investing in this city emotionally and socially, although I do still search the job boards. After the initial depression and anger, my psyche has kicked into survival mode. I find myself more and more envisioning possible lives elsewhere. I have a feeling I’ll be gone sometime next year, possibly as early as two months from now.

I can hit up the temp agencies again starting next week, but the one I signed up with has only offered $10 an hour jobs, and the worst part is that they are not in companies where I could grow into another position. They have been in dead-end sectors, such as childcare. I have a feeling the company jobs are going to young women in their twenties.

I’ve started telling everyone I’m looking for a job, but it hasn’t resulted in any leads. Three or four of my friends haven’t replied to my last messages or texts, so I have stopped contacting them.

Onwards and upwards?