The roomie is moving out soon, so I probably should have just sucked it up this month and done all the cleaning, but today I sent him an email asking him to clean the area he is responsible for since I did a bunch of cleaning today. He responded incredibly poorly and the big fight ensued with him screaming at the top of his lungs that I was a cunt and telling me to get out (of my condo).
I have held back conversationally with him since we moved in together because he’s had no restraint about telling me to “shut up” and “stop whining” (interestingly this is why I had begun to hem and haw about the prospect of us living together). Six years of knowing each other and I have never once told him to shut up even though many, many times I myself have been bored or irritated with conversation about his Grindr hook-ups and his job possibilities and his new condo and his boyfriend and his twenty-to-thirtysomething dramas. For the first time, I let him know that today.
I haven’t talked to him at all about dating since moving back here (I haven’t been doing any!) and considering I’m in the middle of a dispiriting job search and that is the main thing in my life, have kept most of it to myself (the bulk of it, in fact, is dumped here). This morning I told him that I’m considering this my year off and if I don’t find a job I’m not going to sweat it. Yet he went on and on about how “trying” I am with all my whining about dating and jobs and how he’s had to “put up with me” all these years. This is his broken record, even when the music has stopped.
His existence here– the city (which he knew about through me), the job (he now is in my old position), the condo (which he bought in my building), the upcoming lasik (to be performed through my eye doctor)– is due largely to me, and I told him he could act a bit more gracious, all things considered.
This whole thing is not good. Not good at all. Ugly.
Probably due to kundalini yoga, I can at least say I did not call him names in return. I did tell him, however, that I think he has an internet addiction, and his irritation at my conversation (and others) may have more to do with him being interrupted from his ten hour computer marathons than anything else.
Well, good riddance, right?
That said, I know people sometimes say things they don’t mean, or at least that they’ll regret later. That’ll probably be the case with him. Lord knows I’ve been “that person” more than a few times. But it’s too bad you had to end the roommate situation on such a sour note.
Yes, I know things can be said in the heat of the moment, but reflecting on it I’ve realized that this is the culmination of the core problem, which is that he has communicated through all his behavior (shutting himself off in his room for long hours while on his iPad, not acting interested in anything I had to say, putting himself first, etc.) that he has merely been “tolerating” me for all the things I have provided him. In other words, he’s been using me, which it seems he made clear tonight.
It’s interesting isn’t it– because I don’t think in these terms at all so I wouldn’t do it– but why is it okay for him to call me a cunt but not for me to call him something slanderous in terms of being gay?
And this applies, IMO:
‘The relationship is with the computer,’ he said. ‘First, it becomes a significant other to them. Second, they exhaust emotions that they could experience in the real world on the computer, through any number of mechanisms: emailing, gaming, porn. Third, computer use occupies a tremendous amount of time in their life. Then if you try to cut the cord in a very abrupt fashion, they’ve lost essentially their best friend. That can take the form of depression or rage.’
Just something I remembered: I once got into a fight with my best male friend at the time, who is gay. In the heat of the moment, I accused him of harboring a secret dislike of women generally. (Speaking of saying things we regret!) It was a low blow, but there must have been something that made me say it.
Anyway, fast forward ten years, and we are still good friends. Haven’t fought since — but maybe that’s a function of us living in separate states now…?
If you look up “gay misogyny” on the internet, there are writings about it. Some of his jokes have cut a little close in that way, whereas I have never made fun of him for being gay.
I liked this video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-AqTIHtAB-w