the straight and narrow
by rantywoman
When friends ask when we will get married, I bristle, embarrassed to say that we haven’t set a date yet. That luxury belongs to those who can financially afford the ordeal. We can’t.
The socioeconomic aspect of all this stands out the most starkly, but embedded within it are questions of gender and the roles tradition expects us to play. In diverging from our prescribed paths—I’m the primary breadwinner and have been throughout our relationship, and he’s just recently graduated with his B.A. and is now searching for employment—have we set ourselves up for a life that will never appear successful from the outside? If we both had more traditional personal backgrounds and had followed a straighter route toward adulthood, would we be the ones posting pictures of our wedding cake on the Internet? Would we be happier if we’d played the roles we’ve been given by society instead of questioning them and trying something new?
In feeling jealous toward what others have, I can’t help but feel like I’m betraying my own feminist beliefs. Although I may not necessarily want the marriage, I do want the enduring relationship and the rest of the life that the marriage celebration indicates exists—the comfortable job, the luxury of travel, the house that feels like a home, the car…the list goes on and on. Does that also mean that to some degree, I want the traditional gender roles? Or do I just want more stability and safety than I have now? And is it possible to be a feminist and still want these things, or is a Buddhist-like freedom from the trappings of married life part and parcel of feminism? I know that with many things in life, we can’t have it both ways. Am I asking for too much?
thebitterbabe 
This was an interesting article. And I should say first that I identify as a feminist although I’m not nearly as radical as I used to be (I think getting married at 22 will do that to you.)
1. I would like to add to the other commenters that if she really wants to get married she and her fiance should just head down to city hall and do it! There’s nothing stopping them from having a more traditional wedding down the road. In fact that’s what my husband and I are doing right now. We were legally married last summer and will be having our traditional ceremony later this year. A lot more couples do this than one would think. I personally know a couple that was legally married for several years before they did their church and ceremony.
2. I believe that she’s just not sure if she’s ready to marry her particular fiance but she doesn’t want to say that. She likes him as a person but she fears that he won’t be able to provide for her in a way that she’s expecting or accustomed to. I don’t think her fears concerning this are anti-feminist, I think they’re just reality-based. Money is the biggest cause of marital discord and this will only worsen if they have children.
3. I wish the whole “marriage as a site of oppression” discussion was more nuanced. I believe that living with your partner under any title can be oppressive due to the different ways men and women are socialized concerning housework. If a man and woman are going to live together, and especially if they have children, marriage affrods many more protections for the woman than cohabitation does.
Thank you for sharing this article, Ranty.
P.S. Do you actually like being called ‘Ranty’? lol
Sure, you can call me ranty.
I do think the article is a bit confused, but perhaps she is saying that it feels anti-feminist to want to marry a successful husband who can provide material goods for her. Perhaps if she was in a high-paying field, she would be okay with her less successful husband? Hard to say.
To my mind this has nothing at all to do with ‘feminism’.
It would appear her envy is a result of the people she is noticing being more prosperous than she is. She knows that and admits it herself: “I was jealous because weddings of the kind that are broadcast on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter are indicators of the kind of socioeconomic success and stability that neither my fiancé nor I have.”
Weddings and marriage are not the same thing, and it is possible for her to have a marriage. She could have the paperwork easily enough with a visit to city hall, as Chickpositive said. But what she really wants is enough money to be able to throw it around and show off on facebook, like all the people she is looking at. She wants the nice, house, car, travel, and really, who wouldn’t? Who said feminists want to be poor and have nothing?
If she just looked behind her at all the people who have even less, and there are many, she might realise how lucky she is. To only look at all those who have more, well, it’s not really surprising that could make you feel envious and even resentful.
I do think the article is confused (see my other comment).
I do agree about keeping things in perspective while at the same time feeling like our economic system has become so skewed that it’s difficult not to feel envious of those who “have it all” while the rest of us have less and less. To keep my equilibrium I concentrate on the ways I’m fortunate; politically, I’d like to see less income inequality.
Perhaps that is why it’s harder to keep up feminist values these days– without a wealthy husband, it’s become a much tougher world.
Its not even a matter of wealthy husbands. Double-income households have their advantages, as does living with roommates. I personally think the big blow-out weddings are outdated and certainly not my taste, but I’m not going to put someone else down for having the means and desire for one.
In addition, the double-income with no children have an economic advantage of those with children. And as a single woman with no children myself, I’m able to set aside a hell of lot more for retirement which is extremely reassuring.
“Perhaps that is why it’s harder to keep up feminist values these days– without a wealthy husband, it’s become a much tougher world.”
With the above comment, are you tacitly admitting that a wealthy husband-by extension ‘A MAN’ is required to under-write feminist values?
Hahahahaha!!!
There I was thinking feminism was about being ‘çapable’ óf independence from a man!!!
No, I’m saying the exact opposite–that being a feminist means supporting oneself. In today’s world, however, it is harder and harder to make it as a single person– man or woman. The highest paid are still men, although men as a whole are also suffering. It’s complicated, but you have chosen to see it through a prejudiced lens that causes you to misinterpret what is actually being said.