never married, over forty, a little bitter


A friend of mine moved to Baltimore as a single woman several years ago. She grew up there, but the only thing she has to say about it is that she never meets single men in her working life. Otherwise, she doesn’t bring the city up, and I suppose I don’t ask because my only impressions of Baltimore are from television and largely negative and since it is her hometown, I don’t want to insult her.

Maybe those are just excuses, but in any case, I’m not entirely innocent of what I am about to accuse others of (not) doing.

And by that I mean, it occurred to me recently that nobody here ever asks me about what my life was like in Los Angeles. I rarely bring it up and only in passing if I do, but still. I remember years ago meeting a woman who had lived in L.A. and I had to restrain myself from bombarding her with questions. Same with New York– I always wanted to know what day-to-day life was really like there.

The lack of curiosity is, shall we say, curious.

second bananas

I related to what Anna David says at the 25 minute mark about how, no matter how much she wanted celebrity friends and boyfriends, she lacked the ability to continually put her needs second:

Perhaps that is why I have a hard time with the structure of marriage in general.

touching base

I’ve been moved in for two months; here is the social review.

The roommate situation is turning out to be a bit of a disaster, of course, and may not last long.

People, in general, are very friendly, but I’ve still been blown off a bit. Online dating has been a big fat zero. A California friend connected me to a same-aged single and childless writer and recent transplant, but she didn’t return my email. Another California friend told me he’d introduce me to his writer friend; I took the initiative when he didn’t, but the guy never emailed me back. The same California friend told me he’d connect me to another friend, a single and childless man, but that hasn’t happened either. A college friend, also single and childless, never returned my phone call or email. That behavior is really out of character for her and especially strange since I saw her at my college reunion and she seemed happy to see me.

There have been other unsatisfying encounters. One of my friends informed me that he was moving to L.A. after I was halfway across the country to here. My old fling, after pursuing me, completely disappeared after I informed him I wasn’t interested in taking up where we left off. He also offered no help as far as my dream career, although he is perfectly positioned to do so. Another friend has been in a great deal of touch, which I appreciate, but she is snowed under with her own problems, and her advice to me is always frustratingly unrealistic.

On the plus side, a former co-worker has shown a great deal of support, and he has invited me out socially. A former female co-worker who I always liked and whose child is grown has also been available for social outings and has been another shoulder to lean on. A married friend of mine has also helped me out a lot. Another woman I’m a bit wary of, but who is childless and single, has asked me out to events, and I’ve been meeting a few new women I could hang out with socially. A few casual acquaintances have been putting me on invites to events, and I’ve met up with people for coffee and tennis.

I haven’t found anything I’m all that excited by yet, and I do miss L.A. on that score. I guess I would say I haven’t found anything here that I dream about in the way I still do about people and events in L.A. The problem with having dreams in places like N.Y.C. and L.A., however, is that trying to survive there on a daily basis tends to grind those dreams to a pulp.

Furthermore, I’m only in regular touch (as in, every other week or so) with two people in L.A. There’s two or three others who, if I called, would call me back and chat, but for the most part, I’ve already been ghosted.


Another difficult decision.

There’s a possibility I might get a job offer in my career field for a position that is, at heart, entry-level and pays half of what I was formerly making. It’s a job, but it’s at such a tiny place that there’s no possibility of promotion, and unless I want to cause bad blood, I’d probably have to stay for a couple of years.

On one hand, I’d have the security of a job, on the other, I’d be settling for very little pay, it’s not a career change, and it offers no promotional possibilities. The hours are under forty, but a commute is involved. Weekends are also involved. I’m trying to figure out the exact hours; it could make a difference if they are closer to thirty. The time also might count towards my pension.

I’m very tempted to roll the dice and turn it down. I could continue with my resume-enhancing classes, my investigations into other types of jobs (admittedly, none of that is looking promising right now), and trying to get back into my former organization where there would be lots of promotional opportunities. There’s always the possibility I may have to move in a year if things don’t work out, but perhaps I’m willing to take that chance.

My single friend with three babies was strongly advising me to take it, but she has three babies. I should have a little more freedom to be choosy, no?

My roommate also seems to be invested in me taking it. I honestly don’t know if he’s looking out for me or if he wants to keep me from getting back into the organization where he just got a promotion. If it’s the latter, it’s incredibly shitty of him, as he got in there in the first place with my help. He has insinuated I’ve been blackballed, but I no longer trust him, and he used to be one of my closest friends. Or, maybe he really is trying to help.

I don’t think he would take the job, though.

conventional wisdom

This weekend I listened to this podcast with Dr. Drew:

At the end of the podcast, he says that all people need “work, love, and play,” and if one of those areas is missing in someone’s life, it’s because they have some sort of problem. Thanks!

The guest, Heather McDonald, told him that a high percentage of people are remaining single and living alone today and just enjoying their pets.

He seemed shocked by this news– shocked. His only comment was, “That’s sad.”

For someone who doles out therapy, he seems pretty clueless. He’s been married since the eighties, but I would imagine he’d be more in tune with societal shifts. Wrong.