bad on paper

by rantywoman

One thing that can easily frustrate me these days is that several former friends are exhibiting the same problematic behaviors that were in evidence when I moved away. In order to believe that people can change, I am trying to identify my patterns and curb them when they are unhelpful.

To that end, I’m not going to let my anger over my job search derail me, as it might have in my youth. I’m over it already and back to my original vision. I’ll keep taking classes and will pursue a few more leads in regard to a change of career. I will continue to apply to positions that open up at my former organization, as I need to test the waters some more before I determine that door is closed. If I end up in the clerical job I’ll whittle the classes down to the most essential ones; if I don’t, I’ll take the full load.

I’ll give myself a deadline sometime next year to reconsider the move here. This will give me time to determine if, in fact, this simpler way of living is making me significantly happier, and if I need to find a way to preserve it even if it costs me a professional life. If not, perhaps I will go back to a stressful job in a big city. I also need to decide what feels more important: to be surrounded by stimulating, talented people but have few real, intimate connections or to have more of those connections but less stimulation and excitement.

Some experiences here have bolstered my belief in myself, which should provide some equanimity during the job search. Not only have I realized that, with a little bit more training under my belt, I had no need to be intimidated by the dancers here, but that some former co-workers who intimidated me in my twenties are not, in fact, all that, and I had talents that were not seen or utilized by the company we worked for, to their loss. I’m also trouncing the millennials in my community college class, even though they’ve had years of recent experience in the subject, and I haven’t visited it in almost fifteen years.

On paper, though, I’m an over forty, unemployed, single, childless woman, none of which makes me a hot commodity in any market. I just have to divorce myself from the perceptions of the paper pushers.

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