kicking and screaming

by rantywoman

I’ve had a sinus headache for days, and I’m testy as hell. What I need more than anything at this moment is a friend who will just let me throw an all-out, epic tantrum. All the stress of the move, along with my determination to maintain a positive attitude throughout, has come home to roost. As has the gradual dawning that a career change (or even just any kind of job doing something else) may not be possible and my safety hatch may not exist.

I realize the irony of feeling kicked in the stomach about the safety jobs when for many reasons they were not ideal, and the part-time job might be. I had, however, adjusted to the idea of doing either one of them and had started making tentative plans around that idea and looking forward to the “in” they would have provided. After the prodding by former supervisors to apply (as well as warnings by others that I should be prepared to accept one as surely I would get an offer), I’m now left baffled (and still not 100% sure I didn’t get one of them– I mean, it’s not looking good but perhaps I will have different news soon). I had several promotions within that organization and several awards and promotions in my last one. I could have lost out because I was overqualified, but then I seem to be a serious contender for the non-professional position, so WTF.

I do have one friend who gets that this is a blow and another who is doing some digging (although being a bit lax about getting back to me). With others it is platitudes, silence, or condescending advice. And being in my forties, could I not have a friend or two who could actually give me a job as opposed to just advice? Or even get me an interview? My entire life I’ve had to make it on my own; I’ve never had someone to pull strings for me.

I feel too old and accomplished to be scrounging, I admit, and I’ve spent a small fortune on the move and don’t know at what point I should consider going back to L.A., if at all. I am still at the tail end of wrapping up the move out here. As I wrote, I should probably give it at least a year, although I’ll be that much the poorer by then. It’s possible if I stay for the sake of my health that my professional life is over, although I would think eventually something would work out. Right?

I just want someone to let me have my tirade with expletives attached. It’s premature and immature, but then, that is how I am feeling.