Things for the most part are going well, so why do I feel terrible?
I’m practicing yoga and meditation every day, which in turn continues to improve my dancing. I feel soft and relaxed. I swim several times a week and take long walks every evening on a wooded path. I’m eating better than ever now that I’m making most of my meals at home. I’m making top grades in my language class. I make sure to get out socially three or four times a week. I’m trying new things. I can sleep in most days.
And yet, I feel like I’m battling a depression. It makes me pop out the Ben and Jerry’s for a “rush” and frequently gives me insomnia. It keeps me from being able to concentrate on reading. It’s a constant pressure in my head.
I no longer think these sad feelings are related to childlessness. Having a child might keep me too busy to feel them, but I think that wound has healed.
They might, however, be visiting me for any number of other reasons. Genetics. Age. Time of life. Upheaval. Loss of my former identity. The loss of my former friends to motherhood (loneliness– that’s still a big one). Liminality. Losing hope for finding a partner.
To name a few.