all or nothing
Although I’m happy to have a little summer vacation and thankful that I’m able to tie up all loose ends before returning to a full-time job (if I get one), I can project into the future well enough to know that six weeks into ten-hour days (including lunch and commute time), I may well be exhausted and miserable again.
I have learned some lessons from this break. One is that I can still get depressed and low-spirited despite being free of the constraints of a job. The other is that I don’t entirely mind working– it’s a way to give me my life some structure and to make social connections (although who knows how I might be able to organize my life if I knew I never had to take a job again).
I just wish it didn’t feel like all or nothing. Like I have to have all my time and energy sucked into work or be unemployed. I’d have a pretty good attitude toward the idea of going back to, say, four seven-hour days per week, or about thirty hours.
Someday perhaps I can make that a reality.
Wow. So many of your entries sound like ME talking. Very, very comforting to know I am not alone. I have way too much quiet time right now and I tend become morose. I ruminate on my ex-husband and punish myself for all the mistakes I can’t take back. Interestingly, he is not plagued with self-flagellation. He really believes I am the devil and he the victim.
Yes I have tended to become morose with all this quiet time on my hands, which has surprised me. The first month I had off I was very, very busy with getting through all the books I had piled up, cleaning out my apartment, and catching up with all the other things I never had time to do while working. Although I appreciate sleeping in and having time to deal with my feelings, I’m finding that I’m glum a lot of days. Probably feeling a little bit purposeless.
The thing is, if I knew I didn’t have to return to work, I would probably be finding another big, all-consuming project, such as writing a book or something along those lines. But in any case, I would still have down days.
I also don’t have anyone I can really, really talk to at the moment, so that’s not helping matters!