dream life
by rantywoman
When I first got to town, I was taking classes at a yoga studio in which there were several pregnant women in the classes and lots of pregnancy talk. I wasn’t bothered by it like I used to be. Progress!
In my small sewing class, there’s a young twentysomething woman who is engaged and several times she has talked to her fiancee on the phone. Lots of “love you” in those conversations. Again, I seem to have a wall up against letting that stuff affect me now.
I can see, though, why I had to get out of here in my thirties.
I’m still having bouts of terrible insomnia, much like I did when I moved to L.A. I try to just accept them these days, but when I’m going through it, I tend to feel self-destructive. I’ve been experimenting with different thought patterns recently, and when I’m tossing and turning I try to visualize myself as surrounded by the love and adoration of friends and family and their soothing embraces.
The sad thing is, I can’t connect to those images. I’ve had to wall myself up against so much disappointment that I’ve lost touch with those expectations and desires.
I don’t think this is all that unusual. Who among us hasn’t been disappointed with our parents, our boyfriends, our friends? I just think that at this moment in time I’m feeling particularly cut off in every area. My mom is getting more difficult as she ages, I’ve lost the bulk of my former friends to marriage and kids, and the dating landscape is a bit of a desert.
Time to rebuild.
thebitterbabe 
Hi Ranty – rebuilding is tiring, but satisfying. Once we’ve given up hope that anyone/thing is going to ‘save us’, it gets a whole lot simpler. I too have struggled with insomnia since my divorce 12 years ago. Having that basic sense of security that I was with the man I loved must have kept some part of me calm – even though he was an addict, my life was hell and I was heading for a nervous breakdown! I’ve learned to work around my sleep patterns, which is something that is possible by being self-employed. When I had to keep to other people’s clock, I was ill, grey of skin and depressed as hell from lack of sleep. We are living through a generational shift in living, working & relationship patterns. There will be a name for our generation as we’re the shock absorbers for so much change, so fast. With change comes opportunity, as everyone’s so keen to point out. But there’s a price to pay too – and I pay, as you do, at night.
Hugs, Jody x
Jody,
Thanks for writing. I think part of it is hormonal, too. I rarely had insomnia when I was younger, but I’ve read that as you get past 35, your hormones shift in a way that is not conducive to sleep. It’s frustrating because as I mentally get stronger in terms of accepting change, my body seems less able to handle it!
You are lucky to work at home. It’s so much worse to have to go into work for a full eight hours on no sleep! Right now I’m not working so it’s not as bad. Even when working though, I’ve tried to have a calm acceptance about the insomnia, figuring that I can survive a day without sleep and hopefully sleep well the next night. If it drags on more than one night though… argh! Then I’m brought to my knees.