Despite the short-term discomfort, financial loss, and loneliness, I do think that moving back will turn out to be the right decision for me long-term. I may have to get through a difficult year of transition though.
When I was debating back and forth about the move, my current roommate was putting the pressure on, and I tried not to let him influence me. I had lived here before for almost a decade, so I knew the downsides to the job market and the dating scene, and I had to carefully weigh leaving behind a well-paying job and a large urban area for a smaller place with less opportunity.
I don’t know what will happen with the job interview, but chances are I will be working again soon at a much lower-level than I have been for a good decade. My roommate had to make the same adjustment, and he’s still unhappy about it. He has a boyfriend though, and now that the relationship is going well, he’s taken to saying how it’s the only good thing he has going for him and the only thing that makes putting up with the job bearable.
Reader, that does grate, as I am facing the same job situation now but with few romantic prospects of my own. It is further proof that I should never make a decision based on what someone else is pressuring me to do.
Ultimately, though, I’d been plotting out this move for a long time, and although I might have made it later, it would most likely have happened eventually. I also wrote long ago that I wouldn’t make the move for social or romantic reasons but for an easier life and more time for my own creative projects, and that part is proving true.
First of all- you can always move back to Los Angeles!!! Or move to another city.
I totolly understand your feelings about your roommate. But what’s done is done. For now on- make it a point to put yourself first in dealings with him.
Yes, all true, and it even occurred to me that I could always move back to L.A., but I seriously doubt I ever would. I do think long-term this is a better place for me, financially (because in the long run the pension is better) and socially (easier, more of a sense of community, my family–although not close– is nearby). I did, however, have to think long and hard about leaving a top-level position (and turning down two others) to move here. If I hadn’t been feeling the pressure, I might have stayed in L.A. until Thanksgiving, inching me closer to the new Obama health plan being instituted. My roommate did give me the impression that he’d be pissed if I did that or took one of those other jobs, which I did think was unfair, and now I’m trying not to stew about it. Especially since he might be getting a higher level job with much less of a commute, and I’ll be getting the shit end of the stick. Other than all that, I do like having a roommate and we do get along… hopefully he’ll keep those comments regarding his relationship to a minimum.
I think he wanted me to move back not just to have a friend here but because he is paying far less to live with me than when he was renting an apartment on his own.
Without knowing all details, it does seem as if your friends did sway your decision to move. But what were your exceptations beyond what you have now? Did you except to live like a quasi couple in that there is some comitment to each other emotionally? (And fwiw even in marriages resent over the other partner’s career can develope).
But dwelling on this serves no purpose. In the future, what is best for you most come first. Unless you are in a truely committed relationship or responsible for a minor ( both of which have a great chance of happening) don’t think of what others want/need from you.
No, there was no expectation (or desire) from me to be in any kind of quasi couplehood with him. I think we were just looking at the economic benefits of living together, which he needs more than me. Long-term I did pretty much want to make the move, but I was considering staying in L.A. longer for economic reasons (a good-paying job, I wouldn’t have had to kick my tenant out early and pay him money to leave, etc.) and cultural ones– I had a much more interesting life in L.A. than he did.
In truth a couple of things kicked in with my job that made me feel like I couldn’t take another minute, but the pressure from my roommate was weighing on me a little too. I tried not to let it sway me, and it’s hard to say if it did, but it does create some ground for resentment when it feels like he didn’t take my entire situation into account and is being cavalier about the setbacks I might be facing. I think a lot comes down to his ageism– at some level he believes that, at fortysomething, my hopes for a new career and/or a relationship or social life are nil, so I should just accept mediocrity. That’s why he probably thinks it’s okay for me to just settle for a crappy job. In reality, I have a pretty stellar resume so it doesn’t feel easy to do so. BUT, I can look at it as temporary.
And, although it’s a stressful position in its own right, there’s less responsibility involved, so perhaps I could see it as a break.
I thought I’d take the leap here and find something else, so I didn’t think I’d be going for any of these jobs right now. It’s only after getting here that I’m realizing that might not be easy.
Well write more later, but let me be blunt– your roommate needs to fuck off! 40 is old and you need to accept mediocrity?? Whatever. You have 25 plus years to work.Especially because it doesn’t seem like you are in a field where it is all about being trendy/youth market oriented.
Your roommate sounds passive aggressive- first the comment about his boyfriend and now this? I think you might need to reconsider this situation.
Hi Ranty- I know I am just an outsider reading your blog and do not know the big picture– but I get a bad feeling about your roommate. Go back read what you have written about him. Almost of all of it negative or at the least not positive.
Think about whether this is the right roommate.
Yeah, I know, this is a (hopefully brief) bad spell between me and my roommate. For the most part, he is easy to live with and has a good sense of humor and is fiscally responsible. Yes, he is lazy as heck, but if I get a full-time job, we will simply hire a maid service and split it.
The ageism thing has always been there and would be my biggest gripe– this feeling, based on comments he has made, that I might as well “hang it up” at my age.
I just went for a walk and thought over the situation. I can’t say he made me move– I considered my options thoroughly before leaving– but I’m irked because he was petulant about what were serious considerations for me and now is being cavalier about the issues I’m facing.
I think we’ll get through it, but things probably won’t be the same… I will feel that perhaps, when push comes to shove, he will let his concerns trump my best interests.
In the meantime, I’m facing the possibility of having to take my former landlord to small claims court. I’m quite worn down!