the bleeding
by rantywoman
I’m nothing if not resilient; my emotions had scabbed over yesterday and I had a nice evening at home with my roommate after taking a long bike ride along wooded trails. I had moved along in acceptance toward the idea of taking one of those jobs and treating it as just that, a job.
But I’m still bleeding. If I think too much about it, the tears come to my eyes. I feel like I can do almost anything that is within my control– learn how to dance ballet, to cook, to speak Spanish, to move to a new city, to travel the world– yet when it comes to those two biggies, work and love, the ones that involve factors out of my control, I can’t seem to make things work.
I probably capitulated too easily, but unfortunately, those jobs came up when they did, and I have no guarantee of what will come along in the future. It’s just so hard to know. One of my friends here, a man who used to work for me and was unable to get back into our former workplace, found a dream job at an organization here because his good friend runs it. He told me he didn’t know how he could get me a job there though– that I’d probably have to intern or volunteer with all the rest. One of my problems is that the bulk of my acquaintances do not hold positions of power, or if they do, like my former fling, they won’t help me.
The Facebook guy didn’t respond, although he had flirted with me. I halfheartedly filled out an online dating profile today, but I’m afraid that when the one response trickles in, and it’s a seventy-five-year-old die-hard Republican who lives with his mother four hours away, the scabs won’t hold.
I don’t know how much disappointment one can take in work and love, but two decades seems like more than enough.
thebitterbabe 
Oh boy. This post hit home. After one particularly hideous week at the office and yet another birthday approaching without even the prospect of a man EVER again, I am feeling very vulnerable. Can’t help feeling that something’s gotta give, while knowing that it won’t.
I know how you feel. I honestly would be perfectly fine with retiring today and never going back to work. The thought of twenty more years at the same profession is tough. If only they had part-time professional positions– but of course they don’t. And I can’t exactly count on satisfaction in my love life either.
Hope you’re feeling better Ranty (and Miss Bates!). Wrote this whole long post about my own recent incredibly dispiriting dating experience , and deleted it because we can all obviously trade horror stories about that, right?
Maybe we are all indeed on this blog, destined to walk the path alone in the romantic sense of the term. And of course that sucks. But beyond the specifically physical aspects of that type of relationship, what it really boils down to in my opinion is – finding a way to connect with people in ways in which you feel appreciated, “seen”, and bring that type of support to others as well, right? Like that “micromoment” blog post you had awhile back that I often refer to in my times of doubt – finding the precious moments of relevance, connection, sharing wherever we can. I got a reminder of that last week, that saved me from going over the brink. Also, committing to a long term creative project. In this life, I may not cure cancer, I may not find a soulmate, and perhaps one day if I lose all my ties to friends and family I may decide to end the journey deliberately, but for now, it is still within my power to give meaning to my life here on Earth, to create something in my life (in my case, literally a physical structure) that will create just a little bit more beauty, bring people together for a purpose.
Which brings me to the work aspect of your post. I think it was incredibly strong of you to go back to your hometown, based on a deliberate choice. And not just drift back, or tread water in LA. Consciousness is humanity’s most astounding gift, but it takes tremendous reserves of energy to maintain and hone to a point where it is not just a source of pain and disillusionment, but enduring contentment and vitality. You’ve recently been through a lot of upheaval and faced many obstacles that have sapped your energy. Reverting to “survival” mode is a natural reaction to that. But it doesn’t mean you have to “live” in that retrenched space forever. From an outsider’s perspective, it’s amazing in this economy that you’ve already had two job opportunities come up within days of your arrival. Does it mean that they are your “destiny”? They don’t have to be. Maybe they can be pit stops on the way to something more relevant to your frame of mind, give you a bit of stability whilst you reconstitute your energy reserves. You can treat them as deluxe temp jobs, whilst you look for something else.
above all – breathe 🙂
Thank you for your long and thoughtful post. Glad to know you are still reading! And yes, we could probably trade endless dating horror stories.
You’ve made some excellent points here, especially about connection but also about the energy it takes to make conscious change in one’s life.
I had an interesting evening tonight that gave me more food for thought.