never married, over forty, a little bitter

the force

This is inspiring. I’m wavering in my own optimism at the moment, but good for her:

A woman who has realized who she is and what she wants is a force of nature. I’m glad to finally be in that space, unwavering in the life I’ve created for myself, which is a big, beautiful thing that amazes me every day. It was the life I had dreamed of when I stepped into those hallowed halls at the tender age of 18 some 20 years ago. As it evolves, it will continue to bear incredible fruit. Perhaps marriage and children will be among those fruits, perhaps not.

the bleeding

I’m nothing if not resilient; my emotions had scabbed over yesterday and I had a nice evening at home with my roommate after taking a long bike ride along wooded trails. I had moved along in acceptance toward the idea of taking one of those jobs and treating it as just that, a job.

But I’m still bleeding. If I think too much about it, the tears come to my eyes. I feel like I can do almost anything that is within my control– learn how to dance ballet, to cook, to speak Spanish, to move to a new city, to travel the world– yet when it comes to those two biggies, work and love, the ones that involve factors out of my control, I can’t seem to make things work.

I probably capitulated too easily, but unfortunately, those jobs came up when they did, and I have no guarantee of what will come along in the future. It’s just so hard to know. One of my friends here, a man who used to work for me and was unable to get back into our former workplace, found a dream job at an organization here because his good friend runs it. He told me he didn’t know how he could get me a job there though– that I’d probably have to intern or volunteer with all the rest. One of my problems is that the bulk of my acquaintances do not hold positions of power, or if they do, like my former fling, they won’t help me.

The Facebook guy didn’t respond, although he had flirted with me. I halfheartedly filled out an online dating profile today, but I’m afraid that when the one response trickles in, and it’s a seventy-five-year-old die-hard Republican who lives with his mother four hours away, the scabs won’t hold.

I don’t know how much disappointment one can take in work and love, but two decades seems like more than enough.


I met an attractive man my first weekend here and we had a little flirtation, but he didn’t try to pursue things. I debated sending him a Facebook friend request; everything tells me that if I have to make even that small of an initial move, it’s doomed. But I did it anyway. I’d rather cross him off and move on if he’s not interested. Perhaps showing any kind of forward behavior kills things before they can bud, but I just can’t spend the time trying to cross paths with him again.

It’s nice to know I’m not the only one who debates these things:

The lesson here? Just be fully aware that when you click on the “Add as Friend” button, you’re sending a signal of potential interest. But don’t let that stop you – friend requesting a guy can be the perfect compromise of lighting the fire, while still allowing him to ultimately make the first real move and propel the courtship forward (those caveman tendencies never die, do they??).


Yet even Andy concedes that friend requesting a guy may be a smart strategy for testing the waters, if he hasn’t already come a-knocking. “Facebook is a great passive way to keep in touch,” he confesses. And as for following up on an initial meeting via friend request? “Look, there’s a 95% chance that he isn’t worth a lick if he didn’t have the courage to get your phone number, but there’s always that 5% chance. Only way to find out for sure? Facebook him.”