the puzzle
by rantywoman
I thought I could turn down the interview later for the safety jobs, but alas, they got back to me the same day. There will be little time to explore other options. I’m trying to look on the bright side. It’s nice to feel wanted. I could pick my pension back up. I like my former coworkers (yes, this is a place I worked at before). I could move into better jobs eventually.
Would I have moved back here for this? No. But then, would I have moved to California if I had known in advance how things would turn out? No. At least I have more of a sense of community here, so there’s that.
A former friend of mine, a woman who in that godawful year of seventh grade won parts in several plays and made it on to the cheerleading team while I failed at both and was suffering through my parents’ divorce, posted some pictures today of her daughter winning several academic awards. This woman is married to an attorney and stays home with her three kids. I’m trying to hold on to that wise saw about not seeing others’ successes as my failures.
I’m struggling with that same old feeling that there’s just not quite a place for me in this world. I’m a puzzle piece that doesn’t fit. Bright, creative, and resourceful, but not wealthy, connected, or extraordinarily good-looking. Still single and looking for love and adventure long past the age our culture expects women to be settled down and raising kids.
As far as money-making opportunities, I suppose I could try to start my own business, but I’ve never had that dream, and the market for writers is probably the worst it’s ever been.
I know plenty of lovely, older single women who are well-educated, attractive, fit, and decently-employed and have empathetic, kind souls to boot. They should be able to find partners, but they can’t. Where can they turn? Classes, bars, online dating. All are far from guarantees. A basic human need for love and companionship and there’s nowhere to turn but the vagaries of the capitalistic marketplace.
It’s the same with the other basic human need to find satisfying work. What are the options? Job boards, employment agencies, networking. No guarantees.
It’s a tight market for both, and the competition is stiff. We may live in a world of abundance, but it’s not an abundance of appealing jobs or partners.
I’m hoping I’ll have at least one more month off. I’m enjoying Spanish and looking forward to my sewing class. I’ll have to drop Spanish if I get the job, and I’m not sure how much time I’ll have for sewing. I’ll still be able to fit in some dance classes.
Will I get desperate for some kind of fulfillment and turn to online dating again? There’s a good chance, and a good chance I’ll be disappointed with it. Whenever I consider going down that road now, I turn my attention to my hobbies, but once I’m working, I’ll have much less time for them. And once again, I’ll be looking for something to offset the daily grind.
thebitterbabe 
Yes, it is nice to be sought after! Well if you get the job offer, you can set the start date presumably, or at least have some say over it. Maybe you can even finish your Spanish class, if it’s a summer session as those are usually on a somewhat compressed schedule. Just a thought,
As far as fulfillment, for me my dogs have been a great blessing, in and of themselves, as well as for what they have brought my way-lots of friends and acquaintances, connections that led to my house, my job. But you have to love dogs and not view them as a means to an end. And originally, I never thought I could have a dog until I was ‘married-and-a-stay-at-home’ in some capacity. Ha! I am so glad I did not wait for that. I have maintained a full-time job plus completed grad school while having 2-3 dogs. I have ‘sacrificed’ by paying more to live close to my workplace so I can go home at lunchtime everyday to see/walk them. But for me that works. They are not everything, but they help a lot.
I’d love to finish the Spanish class but it doesn’t end until mid-August, so I probably can’t, if I get the job.
That’s great about your dogs. Maybe I’ll get a cat someday, although probably not while I have a roommate.
Have you ever read Kurt Vonnegut? A couple of your comments make me think of him:
“…the market for writers is probably the worst it’s ever been”
Vonnegut quit his job at GE to write short stories for the various magazines of the day (Colliers, Saturday Evening Post, etc.). At the time, magazines paid good money for short stories, so writers could make a decent living at it (better than Vonnegut was making at GE). Shortly after he moved his family to Cape Cod and devoted himself to writing full time, television came along (this was the ’50s) and drew people’s attentions away from the magazines, killing the short story market, and putting Vonnegut in a bind. I guess I’m trying to say even the best have been in your position.
“A basic human need for love and companionship and there’s nowhere to turn but the vagaries of the capitalistic marketplace.”
Vonnegut believed that the cause of humanity’s problems was loneliness. He proposed that huge extended families be created, and that everyone be assigned to one. That way, we would all have thousands of relatives we could turn to at any time. He was also a firm believer in communities. Of course, in the era he grew up (the ’20s & ’30s), community was very important everywhere. Not so much these days, is it?
And for what it’s worth, there are those of us of the male persuasion who also don’t have any luck finding love and companionship. We have obstacles and frustrations too (aging parents needing care, loss of jobs, constant rejection). At 45, I’ve resigned myself to growing old and dying alone, and that while I’m taking care of my mother (and father before he passed), no one will be there to care for me. What’s to come of people like us?
Len,
Thanks for writing. I had no idea that Vonnegut had written about those ideas. I’ll have to do a little research on him!
I hope that by the time we get old there will be plenty of communal living options available. I feel like there will have to be.