trouble in paradise
by rantywoman
And now for more doubts.
I think my roommate and I will get along swimmingly– we enjoy each other’s company– but I have long known that he is fairly lazy. Despite having a lower-level and far easier job in L.A., he didn’t cook, clean, decorate, do laundry, exercise, or go out on the town. Somehow, despite having a higher-level job and far more responsibility at work, I managed to fit all those things in. He mostly lays around and watches TV, and he has a work ethic to match.
But that’s not the central problem. The problem is, while I had resolved to take some time off work, I am once again thinking of caving. I ran into a former acquaintance of mine who warned me that the job market is very tight and that it took him almost eight months to get his current job and that many of his friends have been looking for two years. He thought I should apply for those safety jobs. If I do, I will end up in a lower-level, lower-paying job than my roommate and will have a bad commute, while he is in line for a better-paid, close-by management job that I refrained for applying for because I knew he wanted it. And a small part of the reason I moved back here is that he wanted us to live together, and he acted petulant when I talked of staying on in L.A. Ultimately I own my decision and it was made for myriad reasons, but I’m afraid resentment could grow.
Argh. I don’t know what to do. I want to change my life but don’t know if it’s possible. I’ve only been here two weeks– how can I know? But if I pass on applying, I could find myself out of work for years, which is longer than I want. On the other hand, once I take one of those jobs in my former field, it will feel like the next twenty years of my life have been settled.
I am down, I admit. I sometimes feel that I just can’t change my life, no matter how much I try. I fear that if I take one of those jobs I will feel like my only distraction is the hope of a relationship, and then I’m afraid that won’t pan out either.
I’m seized by fear and doubt. I’ve worked all night on the application, thinking I should turn it in by the deadline tomorrow with the idea I could back out of an interview if I changed my mind. Or perhaps turn down an offer later on. But I don’t want to burn bridges either.
Argh.
thebitterbabe 
trust that the universe will take care of you! you’ve made it this far. i agree, you can fill out and submit that application, but there are all kinds of ways to make a living.
there is always a lot of talk on this blog about health insurance. I know people do have conditions that really need a doctor (or at least access to meds). But, I have to say there is something for a healthy lifestyle conquering many anxiety driven illnesses.
okay – it sounds totally off the wall, but why not Peace Corps? the developing world has a lot to teach you about living life. Two years is a perfect amount of time to start over in something new and learn a language.
From my Hawaii perspective – LA.. midwest… it’s still mainland American culture (ok, ok – i know they are different, but the focus on having a good job equaling success sounds the same.) Here in Hawaii, if you can just scrape by and cruise the beach all day you are more successful than the bankers and lawyers (poor schmucks in their offices all day).
Hawaii sounds nice!
I am one of those unfortunate people who now has a pre-existing condition, which causes all kinds of problems regarding health insurance, at least until Obamacare kicks in.
“Lazy.” “Petulant.” Potential job rivalry. You sure this guy is a good roommate? We all have friends who are fun to hang out with from time to time, but who aren’t necessarily roommate material.
Apply for the job. (The good one, not one of the dead end “safety” jobs.) I don’t want to be harsh (believe me, almost every one of your posts resonates wtih me on a gut level), but you have to provide for your financial future, particularly if you think you’re going to be living solo for the rest of your life. Maybe you will, maybe you won’t, and maybe this is the divorce lawyer in me talking, but it’s fine to hope for love/passion/commitment/happiness with another person, but don’t EVER look to another person for financial security. That’s all on you.
But you knew that.
**All of the above said in a friendly manner — don’t mean to hector you.
We get along quite well for the most part, and I don’t mind his “laziness” while I’m out of work, as I’m happy to clean (with some help from him) and cook (if he pays for the food). Once I start working, I’ll probably suggest a maid service. He’s mostly gone at work, so that helps.
The petulance he showed when I was in my indecisive state over whether I should stay at my job in California, and whether I should take one of the follow-up jobs offered, was irritating, I admit. I tried not to let it influence me and will have to present myself from feeling resentment should things not work out here, but I’ll have to do some work to extinguish those feelings.
I’ve applied for a bunch of jobs and haven’t heard anything back– the two “safety” jobs are the only ones I think I’d have a great shot at getting because they match with my experience and I worked at the same organization before and still have lots of contacts there. Eventually they would lead to something better, although within my same field, so there would be no time to try to find another career. But in reality, will anyone hire me in my forties in a different career field? Or even for a part-time admin position? Eight out of ten of my friends tell me I’m a great candidate and that I should in no way capitulate this soon to the safety jobs, but the remaining two warn the job market is tight. I’m not having success with job ads, I’ve asked around to friends a little without success, and the last thing remaining is an employment agency. If that fails, I just don’t know what options I have left.
Security versus freedom. Always a tough one. Could you try imagining you have made each of your possible decisions and their outcomes? Eg
1) You apply for and get the management job- how do you feel about it? Are you finding the security a relief or do you feel trapped?
OR
2) You don’t apply and contine to live with the uncertainty/freedom that brings.
Not sure how you work but I like to try to really imagine I made the decision already and then see how I feel about that. Listen to your gut if you can!
Love your blog- it’s been a real lifeline. Good luck.
Thank you– glad you are enjoying reading. I’ve tried to project into the future. I can imagine myself feeling trapped and a bit frustrated with #1 but also feeling completely stressed if my job search dragged on too long, too long being over a year.
I’ve worked all night on the application, thinking I should turn it in by the deadline tomorrow with the idea I could back out of an interview if I changed my mind. Or perhaps turn down an offer later on. But I don’t want to burn bridges either.
No bridges are burned by turning down a job offer, should one be forthcoming. It happens all the time. You can tell them “school is taking a lot more time than I thought, I wouldn’t want to take this job and not be able to give 100 percent, etc.”
Apply (if you still can) and go on the interview (if you get that far). Worst case scenario, you don’t get an offer, and you’re no worse off. Better case scenario, you get an offer and turn it down – at least you got to practice applying and interviewing, and you kept your options open until then. Best case scenario, you take this job for now and it helps you save up money and makes it easier to get a bigger, better job down the road – employers always prefer to hire people who already have jobs.
Oh well. Maybe fabulous gay guys aren’t always so fabulous.
He’s loyal and dependable and funny and considerate– all great qualities. He’s just… lazy.