the brave
by rantywoman
Loved some of the comments on the Lamott article:
http://www.salon.com/2013/03/31/my_year_on_match_com/
blue yonder
SUNDAY, MAR 31, 2013 09:06 AM PDT
Oh too sad and too true, both Anne and everyone who has commented. We all want the dream, and by middle age perhaps we accept that the dream also comes with snoring and problematic sex. Then we can’t even find a way to meet this lowered bar! But for every long-term, sort-of-OK couple I know, there are those stuck in bad situations with partners they would just as soon see six feet under. They need the health insurance, or can’t sell the house and so can’t afford to divorce, etc. Keep on trying, ye lovelorn, but honestly, single isn’t so damn bad.
Van Helsing
SUNDAY, MAR 31, 2013 09:30 AM PDT
R — most of the people that answered are the ones that are now in a relationship. At some level, they have recovered. But it is just a fact of the statistics that healthy minority (close to 50%) of the population in what she’s looking at has a personality disorder. The ones that aren’t disordered are IN a relationship and unavailable.
It just makes it really hard, especially because no matter how wonderful A may be (and anyone single at 58 has some damage — I can relate) you’re often dealing with someone who will never successfully attach or has other particular empathy problems that make them unsuitable or worse — cleverly emotionally abusive.
Back when we lived in familial groups, Auntie A would have been absorbed in a larger group, and she would be occupied with all sorts of relationships that would prove to be fulfilling and meaningful. She said she doesn’t care about sex.
But that world is not the US that we live in. And for the most part, we don’t even understand the characteristics of the world we’ve created/allowed to be created relationally.
It’s just brutal. I feel for her.
vose151
SUNDAY, MAR 31, 2013 09:49 AM PDT
EVERY woman, including myself, over 50 who is bravely attempting on-line dating seems to be having the exact frustrating experiences. It’s as if we can never be attractive/smart/sexy enough for these guys who have reluctantly come to the conclusion that alas, young women are not into them. It’s as if they can’t admit that they are attracted to a woman close to their age, because then they’d have to admit that they too are OLDER. Generalizations stink, but I’ve heard over and over again the same disappointing stories. Let’s just admit here once and for all that at a certain point – fantasy is much better than reality!
thebitterbabe 
“anyone single at 58 has some damage” … really?
I think this is true … just as it is so true of anyone married or single of any age,that it is hardly worth mentioning. Related to the oh-so popular term ‘baggage’ which, come on, who doesn’t have?
I found her article interesting. I think her expectations (particulars as mentioned in the comments excerpted above) a bit unrealistic, but at the same time it helped me to further come to terms with my own situation (55, never married) and served to put a curb, once again, on my own expectations. I am getting more and more comfortable with the idea of living out the rest of my life alone. The alternative might not really be so great. Theoretically it could be great of course (suddenly after 55 years, I meet ‘The One’ — well, I have already met him, we’re ‘just friends’ – but that’s another story) – but it seems unlikely at this point, and I come to resent putting my life on hold — in a few respects only – waiting for something that isn’t even coming.
I agree. That was a sweeping statement. I am 46, have had my share of love relationships and break ups…but I am not damaged. I don’t even live in the past. Honest. I am pretty happy and look at my experiences as blessings and can live in the moment. I certainly do not tell my life story to a new man like it was baggage…we talk about other things. Things that are more fun. The past is the past and it is only brought up if it’s relevant.
Anyways, I agree that not all of us are “damaged”.