cute distractions
by rantywoman
Last week I socialized with a couple in their early forties who met a couple of years ago, married, and just adopted a baby. They were both lively and charismatic individuals who had spent the first two decades of their lives working low-level jobs while pursuing acting careers. Like most people in L.A., they didn’t make it.
They now work “regular” jobs and have given up on acting. Instead they spend their hours off work concentrating on the baby (one of them actually said he didn’t want to go on auditions because it takes time away from his darling little baby). Naturally, the baby was all they could talk about, at least until I got them to open up about their pasts and show a little bit of pre-parent personality.
I didn’t feel envy, which tells me that I’m no longer interested in parenting. Now that I see my parentless state as something of a ticket to financial freedom, I don’t want to take on the added burden of a child, who would then necessitate another stressful job.
It seemed fairly obvious to me that, given the flame-out of their career ambitions, parenting had taken on a particular importance for this couple. Another couple might have adopted a rescue dog and spent their time obsessing over that.
Nothing wrong with any of that– I’m sure this couple will have fun as parents and gain meaning out of a new baby. I just wonder, though, if, after the newness wears off, and they realize they are now stuck in their mediocre jobs, their midlife crises will come roaring back.
thebitterbabe 
“Last week I socialized with a couple in their early forties who met a couple of years ago, married, and just adopted a baby”
and
“It seemed fairly obvious to me that, given the flame-out of their career ambitions, parenting had taken on a particular importance for this couple. Another couple might have adopted a rescue dog and spent their time obsessing over that.”
“Nothing wrong with any of that– I’m sure this couple will have fun as parents and gain meaning out of a new baby. I just wonder, though, if, after the newness wears off, and they realize they are now stuck in their mediocre jobs, their midlife crises will come roaring back.”
I like this blog – but seriously? Clearly you think they are beneath you, so it kind of begs the question why you socialize with them. And since why is having (and adopting no less – no exactly the easy option) a child they love a “midlife crisis” and something they are doing because their acting careers didn’t work out? Having a child is way more important and life changing than a career – so it’s more likely not less that they would be so in love and happy with their child. But, no – instead – this couple who love each other and have adopted a baby – and Love this child and put this child’s needs Before their own – are pathetic are doing so in the same vein that “Another couple might have adopted a rescue dog and spent their time obsessing over that.”
This post is bitter.
Hmmmm… I don’t think I’m above them, and I find it admirable that they are enjoying their new baby and, like I said, I’m sure it gives meaning to their lives. But they are fussing over the baby SO much that it does seem like some kind of compensation is going on (and, of course, the baby is new so that’s extra exciting). I actually liked them a lot when I got them to open up about other topics. For the record, I get annoyed by people who talk endlessly about their pets as well!
I do think that people who have/ adopt babies in midlife are looking to them for “meaning” in a bigger way than younger parents are or that parents did in the past, when most people had kids and it wasn’t as big a deal. Maybe that’s a good thing? Seems like after a few years it could become something of a letdown if they are putting all their attention into parenting, though.
The thing is – adopting a child is not a quick fix; it’s not something you women or couples can just “do” on their own (such as getting pregnant – assuming of course, this is a possibility). It just seemed mean spirited – and ok, maybe you get “annoyed about people who talk about their pets as well” – but this isn’t a pet. It’s a person. Like you and me. It’s a child – and it’s not comparable (in any shape or form) to a pet. Do you know that they just “adopted this baby” as part of a midlife crisis – why is a choice made in the late 30’s-40’s less valid? why is it suddenly reducible to something that is driven by emotion and fear? Why is it not something that is driven from being alive for 30-40+ years and being Wiser. You are moving – is this a mid-life crisis? It doesn’t seem to be, and I doubt you would see it as such – but how is that any different? It’s a change. It’s new. You are in that age group.
Maybe you’re right – maybe they are flaky and driven by the wrong impetus – there are bad parents out there (for sure) but it seems ways to early to call this just yet. It seems to me that at this early stage in the game the obvious passion and excitement they have for their child and being parents is the correct response. And a likely answer also is that having a child may have finally put their priorities in order and they realised that chasing the dream of acting in LA was a chimera. Either way – they seem happy and loving – and that is something that should be applauded and supported before judged as unworthy and fake. And any chance that they don’t burn out, etc is likely to be linked to the support (or not) they receive from so-called friends.
I do think being excited this early in parenting is the correct response, and I don’t think adopting a baby is something that is unworthy or fake, but there was something about their stories and behavior that struck me with the feeling that they were going to load this baby with too much meaning as a way of compensation. But, in a few years, when things settle down and having a baby becomes routine… well, that’s just life and happens to everyone. I guess overall it just made me think that, for me, having a baby no longer seems like the big answer to everything.
btw “it’s not something you women or couples…” was a typo! – that should be “it’s not something women or couples…”
Mia…children and animals are different for sure with different rewards but there are similarities. A pet is not a “quick fix” either. Both take commitment, caring, devotion, responsibility. Granted, children ALOT more but pets are not disposable or shouldn’t be. A lot of the characteristics in nurturing a child can be found in nurturing any living being.
Hi Yogagurl – yes, of course – I agree that pets are loved and also take commitment and responsibility. I also agree that pets are not disposable (and didn’t say or imply that – I very much value animals), and that the characteristics of loving a child can be found in many acts – what I was responding to was the idea that a child was the same as a pet – which as much as pets are lovely and loved deeply – they are not a person. A child is a human and infinitely more complex and precious/valuable than a pet (and that’s assuming the pet is a dog and not say, a snake or gerbil!) and a parent who talks about their child – even if it’s annoying I grant you – is not the same as talking about a pet. If dogs could talk and had the choice – I’m sure they would love their puppies more than anything else, ditto for all animals and their offspring.
To Ranty:
If seeing your friends made you feel that having a baby it’s not the answer for you and brought you peace – then that’s a good thing and all power to you 🙂 – it was the delivery that irked.
If I came across a couple that had adopted a puppy, I would find the puppy cute and think “good for them,” but my interest would be limited and I would realize that for a variety of reasons, adopting a dog of my own is not the right thing for me at this point in my life. It represents a big step in my emotional life to now feel the same when I see a couple my age having or adopting a baby. Perhaps that is what I should have emphasized in the post.
“I just wonder, though, if, after the newness wears off, and they realize they are now stuck in their mediocre jobs, their midlife crises will come roaring back.”
You could say this about anyone making any changes or doing new things in midlife.
Yes, I agree.
I was just thinking how courageous it is for them to adopt. I don’t think adoption or even choosing to have kids is a courageous act, adoption more so. It’s also a loving act because you are willing to love a human being that is not of your family line. You are taking a risk to bring more love in your life. I think that takes courage. I applaud them for this. We all are trying to feel more fulfilled and happy. Hey, they are actually doing something about it (just like your moving is an act of trying to be happier).
I agree 🙂