snowflakes
by rantywoman
My friend isn’t out of work: his theft is a small act of defiance. For it has slowly dawned on him — as it has for so many of my twentysomething peers — that all but the jammiest of our generation won’t enjoy the same lifestyle as their parents.
Where they had mortgages, we’re stuck in rental purgatory. Where they had grants and then savings, we have debt and more debt. Where they looked forward to retiring at 60 or 65, we know we’ll be trudging into the office until our Zimmer frames snap. The existence of iPods, Asos and easyJet offer scant compensation.
I have a friend who, at 42, is now pregnant with her second child. She’s a highly accomplished woman, with undergrad and grad degrees from top-tier colleges (albeit not in medicine or engineering) and a full-time job. Her husband is a tenured college professor.
Despite the fact that they don’t have debt, they are currently living in a one-bedroom apartment in the NYC area with their one child. Her employer will not allow her to work from home even one day a week, so she feels like she doesn’t get to see her child nearly enough and says their apartment is always a mess. She’s afraid to ask for another maternity leave. She’s always wanted children and is thankful to have the opportunity to have a second one, but her current life is one that would have seemed terribly stressful and unappealing to me in my twenties.
I do understand that, when you hit 40, you can’t keep waiting for the ideal situation if you want kids, but it just goes to show how tough it is today.
The sociologist in me thinks often about the fact that so many of us are turning to New Age therapies that tell us we are special and blessed. Is it because, unless we are celebrities or multi-millionaires, “real life” gives us nothing but the opposite message? Real life tells us we are a burden, a drain, and an indistinguishable part of the mass (unless we are in the role of consumer, that is). Real life tells us we have to struggle for every penny. That there are always millions of others ready to take our place. That we should be grateful for any kind of job and any sort of paycheck. That life is extremely competitive.
Another New Age mantra– accepting “what is.” Is this because, in real life, the economy is in tatters and the environment is degrading? That in real we can’t have expectations from people we date or from friendships? That we can’t depend on a social safety net?
The fact that the largest number of people involved in New Age therapies are middle-aged women is yet more food for thought.
I try to reconcile these messages, which have helped me, with my political beliefs. I’ve decided that before we can take action, we have to soothe our psyches, calm our emotions, and put ourselves in a place where we can think clearly.
Yet I have also come to the conclusion that there are just too. many. people. in this world.
thebitterbabe 
Agree. Another reason why I am relatively at peace with the idea of having no descendants/siblings – if increasing economic precarity/environmental degradation is what awaits the vast majority of us in the next half century or so, at least the only person’s welfare I’ll have to worry about is my own, and (maybe?) a partner’s. Taking a longer view though, I am fairly serene in the belief that as a species, we will persist – we’ve been through worse. Just sucks that so much suffering is yet to come before population levels reduce to sustainable levels. I know that adversity and the experimental urge have been prime ingredients in humanity’s evolution in the past, but do we really need to shoot ourselves in the foot to this extent?
If society keeps pushing population growth as the only way to sustain the economy and support the elderly, it’s hard to imagine where it will all lead.
It is the same everywhere. Infact, the decline may have started in America but us developing nations had maybe a decade or two of economic prosperity, mainly the 90s and by end of the 2000s, things had become too competitive. I live right now in a metropolitan city and have to move. My house hunt has convinced me that the costs have become more prohibitive over the last 3 years. The place I may eventually choose will be a slight compromise on my current life style. My parents are disappointed. They wonder why did I leave the confines of our home to strike out on my own when I have never been happy and have struggled throughout (in our country, adult kids live with their parents).
When I tell them the costs, they feel I am paying too much for something. I don’t save much though I am better than my contemporaries that I do send money home and save a couple of thousands per month. Increments in our industry have been totally unpredictable since ’08. But to even think of having a pet is economically unviable. Marriage is another thing, I end up thinking I won’t be able to put my kids into the best of schools if I ever do end up getting married. Not that it seems to be an immediate possibility. Per my country’s definition, I am pretty much on the shelf now.
I was just thinking of how I am not going to even have the lifestyle of my parents, who had very regular jobs, when you posted this.
I find conversations with my mother really difficult because she has always pushed my sister and I to move into nicer places, buy nicer cars, etc. She just doesn’t get it– we can’t afford the same lifestyle she had as a married woman at our age.
In California I am realizing that a lot of adults are either living with their parents or in the houses they inherited from their parents. Unless one is filthy rich, that is the only financial incentive to live here.
You don’t have to be filthy rich to live in CA. Almost all the people who have property bought it themselves and, although maybe “upper middle class”, definitely not “filthy rich”. You can live here if you live simply. I do.
Out of interest what does – “with undergrad and grad degrees from top-tier colleges (albeit not in medicine or engineering)” – mean? It doesn’t count if it’s not engineering or medicine? what?
Other degrees don’t count only in terms of a guaranteed good income (anymore).
What? Sorry, but I completely disagree and there is no proof of that whatsoever. Business, computer anything (that includes a vast array of studies and jobs), film, social sciences, dentistry, science (which includes a vast array of studies and jobs) etc etc. The list would be enormous if I stated even a quarter!
…and of course the two women of the moment = Ms Meyer (Yahoo) and Ms Sandburg def don’t have degrees in engineering or medicine – and they seem to be doing just fine.
They are not very representative though. It can be done, it’s just a lot tougher these days for someone with, say, a degree in English.
I can’t reply to your last comment, so I will here. Yes, of course – I agree someone with a medical or engineering degree with be more likely to get work and for it to be higher paid than many other professions. But that’s a long way from saying other degrees don’t count in terms of a guaranteed income. In terms of an English lit degree specifically, yes – I agree – I personally don’t get why people even do them useless they strongly want to be a writer, academic or work in publishing. But there are hundreds of degrees – English lit is just one. Moreover, in terms of degrees like anthropology or zoology, say, these tend to have quite a high success rate as they are so specific (you need to know what it is to even do the degree, and they don’t do it unless there is a likelihood of continuing to grad school etc) – which – as you go on and people drop out increases the chance for success for those that stick with it. I did a message with the list of top US jobs (and engineer didn’t make the top 15 – but for some reason it didn’t come up.
To add another comment – NYC is notoriously expensive. As is Paris. As is London.There are other cities, there are possibilities to live outside NY (even in New Jersey or Long Island) there are choices. A one room apt with a child (here’s hoping the child is a baby!) and another on the way is insane. It would seem to me they are prioritizing living in the city (hip/cool/can walk to work, etc) then compromising with a less cool place to live, but more room as a family. I used to live in the US and on the whole, even in the big cities – NY, San Fran, Miami etc, it is – overall – much cheaper than most of Europe, and on top of which, a dollar goes a lot farther then the pound or euro. Two educated adults with full-time jobs in the US does not equal a one room apt as the only choice – Unless this apt is in the heart of the upper east side or greenwich, etc. Living in a one room apt is not the norm. This woman (42. educated) has choices. The US is a big place. And both she and her husband will need to make better choices – which will likely include compromise, such as living perhaps in the suburbs – for their kids. It is true that generation X (and all following) are, for the most part, not in the same position as their parents (circa 1950-1960’s) – this is true in the US and Europe, but it’s not such a difference that a 4 person family, with two educated working adults in professional jobs, are left with no options but to live in a one bed apartment. That’s just irresponsible.
He has tenure, so they can’t leave– otherwise I’m sure they would think about it!
Well, he needs to think about it then! If she’s educated she can create work as well that she Can do on her own terms (write, open businesses online, etc – yes, it’s hard, but I know a lot of people that have in the US and been successful). I’m an academic (no longer working in an institution though because it didn’t allow me the freedom I needed for My choices) and if he has tenure he has some choices:
1) try for work in a less prestigious university (given the one-bed I assume he’s at Columbia or NYU) – in a different state perhaps. Probably won’t be a prestigious university but would have the trade-off of a house, etc.
2) Choose to have you cake and eat it – and refuse to move – and therefore Don’t have more than one kid!
3) She tries to use her intelligence to be creative in her work/income. At the moment her entire wage is likely going on childcare if she’s not allowed to work at home.
Honestly, stories like this bug me – because they’re not the norm (even for every parent that struggles) and it’s just stupid that they are living in a one room apt. They clearly refuse to compromise. Tough for the kids.