forward thinking
by rantywoman
In the podcast I posted yesterday
(http://wow.southbankcentre.co.uk/events/so-you-dont-have-kids-now-what/)
a panelist mentioned that teenagers have babies because they want someone to love them. Jody Day then made an excellent point when she said that many single fortysomething women share the same agenda.
I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately because I’ve read several memoirs which featured difficult mothers. Some of the mothers were merely intrusive, insensitive, or illogical, while others were downright neglectful or abusive. In all cases, though, when they developed dementia or terminal illnesses, the daughters made sure they received proper care and, when the time came, a decent burial. Perhaps they didn’t always love them (although most did beneath their frustration), but they still felt obligated to ensure their safe passage.
We all know that many elderly are neglected by their offspring, but I would wager that few are outright abandoned. It’s difficult to imagine who is going to perform this function of making sure I am cared for in my old age. I just finished reading She Matters: A Life in Friendships by Susanna Sonnenberg, and found it to be quite an accurate portrayal of how most friendships eventually end. I certainly can’t count on friends to go through the wrenching process of caring for me if I were to, say, develop dementia in old age.
Society offers us one solution– find a romantic partner– and as much as I would like to do so, I realize that the possibilities only get bleaker as I age.
I found this Metafilter response interesting. I don’t agree with it entirely (I’m sure many of those long-ago “spinsters” felt stifled) but I do think we need community and connection:
I don’t think it’s possible to be happy without marriage and/or children if that’s are what you actually want, unless you finds some sort of community and worthy cause/social outlet for love that you find just as fulfilling.
Back in the day unmarried women joined religious orders, spent long hours as patrons of the arts, worked for orphanages, etc. and found a satisfying measure of fulfillment that way. They rarely lived alone, and were connected through their family and community to multiple opportunities for service.
Say what you will about the economic and social autonomy women have attained since then– the secular modern options for unmarried career women who would love to have a traditional family life but do not can be alienating. There is no built-in support system, and that’s a critical factor.
So IMO living alone, working for a primarily non-humanitarian cause, and being disconnected from your desire to nurture will pretty much guarantee you unhappiness if you in fact really do possess a nurturing spirit.
In the absence of having a family of your own, my advice is to find a substitute family (social community) based around a good cause/brainchild into which you can love and put your all.
Also, if you have nieces and nephews, you could be the doting favorite Aunt.
posted by devymetal at 1:14 PM on December 5, 2011 [4 favorites]
Having failed to find a partner or tight group here, I am taking steps toward creating a more secure future by returning to my former city, where I will have family at least somewhat nearby and a roommate (for however long that lasts). Not only that, but it is a smaller city where people tend to know each other, so I will feel more a part of a community.
Despite the occasional emotional setbacks, I’ve mostly come to terms with my childlessness and am looking forward to what lies ahead. Long-term, though, I think there will need to be larger, societal solutions for all of us childless women when we hit old age (even if married, we will tend to live longer than our husbands). I’m thinking something along the lines of co-housing opportunities where independence can thrive but so can a sense of community (http://www.aarp.org/home-garden/housing/info-01-2011/elder_cohousing.html). Something that is embedded into the city as opposed to ghettoized like, say, the Sun City communities. Something that provides a sense of friendship but continues to exist when friendships falter.
We have become so much more visible in the past couple of years, which is a promising start.
thebitterbabe 
Its the old age thing that terrifies me the most. How I wish I thought of this when I was younger! I really am having nighttime angst about it. Some people are all alone and some die alone…some not being found for a long time. Some die peacefully I guess. I don’t know the answer. I try to be there for others and hope, in some way, it will come back to me.
I am seeing this a lot lately. My bf’s mother is elderly. She is no picnic. She has some dementia on bad days, has been negative, unappreciative, whiny, self-centered and complaining. To top it off she isn’t that intelligent, interesting or fun at all yet, despite all this, my bf is there for her totally. He cooks for her, visits her each week, takes her to get her hair done, shops for her. Without him, she’d be in a home or dead by now.
What I have learned from this is how I do not want to be as an elderly person. I want to try to be as fun and pleasant as possible so others WANT to visit me and enjoy me for me, not because they feel obligated. I also want to avoid stroke at all costs for it changes you forever. There is a book out about how to avoid dementia…I am going to read it. I don’t believe we have to succumbo to demntia. I believe much of it is diet related. We can do our best to remain as functional, contemporary and positive as possible and there are super elders who have shown the way. I hope to follow in their footsteps.
Yeah, good point about the children. People always dryly remark about kids not visiting their parents and such, but the truth is even when kids resent their parents they usually are willing to take care of or advocate them on some level. The aspect of getting old is the most unsettling aspect of being single, and it’s heartening that more people are remaining single because hopefully their numbers will press for different ways to deal wit this issue.