loose nuts
by rantywoman
Recently I was thrown together with an older, never-married woman who was extremely difficult and whom everyone else seemed to have successfully avoided like the plague. I tried to handle her gracefully, but it was clear that not only did she have poorly-developed social skills, but she lacked empathy and was determined to have everything her way.
It was another time in my life when I longed for a partner so I could have some kind of shield. I also admit that she threatened my identity, as I couldn’t help but think that this was the other older, never-married woman in attendance.
Along the same lines, in the past year I have crossed paths with yet another older, never-married woman who, while possessing many likable personality characteristics, has proven herself to be just as difficult. She sets the agenda for everything, often ignores other’s wishes and feelings, and alienates people with her inappropriate bluntness. She has also proven to have a list of ever-escalating demands. I acquiesce to do one thing out of politeness only to have the ante upped the next time. In reality, I don’t even have a ton in common with her.
I see where it’s all going. I will participate in a one-sided “giving” until I finally give out, at which point she will end the friendship in a huff, all my former actions being for naught. Let’s just say I’ve been down this road before.
The sad things is I must admit that she is the only person who is knocking down my door in terms of trying to befriend me. I do have a few other scattered friends I quite like, but they are busy (and, admittedly, so am I) and I see them only occasionally. For the most part, though, I have been a social failure here, if I define success as becoming friends with people I consider peers– people who generally read the same books, share the same politics, have the same sense of humor, etc. This, even though they are all around me.
I have been asking myself what part I play in failing to make the connections that are appropriate to my personality and interests. I’m not sure. I have made the overtures. I think perhaps, at this time of life, most people are just too busy.
Except, of course, for the loose nuts.
thebitterbabe 
I have also been disappointed in a couple of older single women who I was willing to befriend. One who lives down the street, became my friend quickly. We chatted it up, took walks to together and texted each frequently. I found her interesting and fun but also having some imbalances (a real man hater, feels others are out to get her). I overlooked these things and just tried to enjoy her for what she offers…then one day, *poof* she gives me the silent treatment and I have no idea why. Even after nicely asking what is wrong and sending her a nice X-Mas card.
Then there was another interesting older woman I knew. We had a lot in common and she poofed on me as well.
Both of these women have a lot in common. Both are intelligent, political, interesting, outgoing. But both are also difficult…judgmental, tempermental, mercurial, and having extreme, sometimes hateful views. Both also made enemies of their prior friends(to me this was a warning that I could be next, and sure enough, I was).
Anyways, I know of what you speak…the difficult, single older woman. Ugh.
You might want to check out that book “She Matters”– it helped me realize that difficult and sometimes inexpicalbe falling-outs with friends are par for the course.
I will check it out. It hurt me a lot. Being given the silent treatment is HORRIBLE. If the person at least tells you what it is, then you can more easily let it go.
Interestingly enough, the neighbor, who hated men (and I mean really was a “man hater”), she used to say “women are intellectually, emotionally and spiritually superior to men”. I don’t believe that for I think people are poeple and no group his any better or worse than another. It’s all about character to me.
But after she did what she did to me I realized no man has ever treated me as bad as women have. No man has given me the silent treatment or been cold and rejecting. In my life it’s only been women. I don’t dislike women because of it…after I am a woman myself and I need women in my life…but her statement was totally untrue in my life.
I want to add one more thing about these “loose nuts” from the original post. I don’t think it’s the never married status that is to blame entirely for this women’s ill character (although I am sure loneliness and frustration can make a person worse. I think ultimately it’s the women. I know bitchy, difficult women who started being that way by 30, married or not. And then there are “older” women who are nice, and easier and not so difficult. I have sisters who are this way…bitchy, difficult, quick to judge and they have everything. So I really think it’s the person, the core of who they are in whether they become this way. Of course, chronic singleness can exacerbate negative personality characteristics if they don’t seek help.
Yes, I agree, there are plenty of difficult married women, and unfortunately all of them (though perhaps more often the single ones if they don’t have a lot of people in their lives) feel that a single woman is someone they can latch on to. Make no mistake, I totally want more friends in my life and would love to have more “never married” friends. I just don’t want to spend a lot of emotional energy on draining scenarios.
Forgive my typos. When I post…there is a part of my post I cannot view while typing so I have no idea of the mistakes I have made until it has been posted. A WordPress glitch, I guess.
hmm, this is interesting. I am always struck by the fact that the vast majority of my friends (though that may be misleading; I really don’t have many I call true friends) are married rather than single like me. There often seems to be some kind of disconnect between me and the others of my species …. always trying to figure out what it is, and why it exists. There do seem to be a lot of ‘loose nuts’ out there, and I worry sometimes that even though I really don’t believe I am one of them, that others might lump me w/them just by virtue of us all being single.
I think a lot of women are bitter about being single and it affects their outlook. And your ‘bitter babe’ handle I consider a bit of a misnomer as I don’t find you bitter at all, but engaged and interested in learning about yourself and the world, not all holed up being angry at everything. Of course maybe we are all bitter a bit, even justifiably. but it is a question of what you (we) do with it.
Anyway, I really appreciate all your thoughts and posts!
Thanks, I enjoyed your reply!
… just a quick “thank you” for this post. I completely resonated w/all that you wrote which, sadly, felt like the first ‘personal connection’ I’ve had all day. Sadly again, my first laugh of the day came when I read the final sentence! Hence, my gratitude and I look forward to luxuriating over all eight comments after I get home from my cat-food run. Has it really come to this … ?!
I am so naive, I didn’t know there was a stereotype of the older, single woman as being difficult. Now I’m worried that I fall in that category – I can be somewhat intellectualized and unyielding – oh no!! To my credit, I’m the first to admit I’m wrong and have no problem laughing at myself so hopefully that balances things out … !! I do think when someone is comfortable talking about “hating” anyone .. that’s a huge red flag. I feel that way about certain politicians but am not proud of it and try not to broadcast it.
I think there is probably a general stereotype out there that if a person is single, there’s a reason. I don’t buy into that, but I do feel victimized by another assumption– that I’m easy prey to pushy people with boundary issues because I don’t have a family.