partnerships
by rantywoman
One of the discussions that has come out of my stress this week has been the possibility of marrying a gay male friend of mine. I could get health insurance; he would gain a free place to live. I would have the freedom to dabble and work part-time; we could inherit or bequeath social security payments. We could keep our own names, dispense with rings, and date other people for fun and sex.
The part of me that still believes in the love-and-marriage package holds back, but why? In a lot of ways, this could be an ideal solution. He can’t marry another man in the state he is living in anyway, and neither one of us sees our marriage odds as very good.
I told this to a younger co-worker of mine and she said she has had the same discussions with a gay male friend of hers.
thebitterbabe 
Liking the idea….although having a rock-solid friendship w/ said prospective spouse (and trust in his judgement/integrity) is a must. You may not be “romantically” married, but you will have mutual obligations towards each other nonetheless, possibly for life.
WHOA. This might be a solution to your and your gay friend’s immediate financial needs, but if you’re going to take such a step you absolutely MUST have a prenuptial agreement. “But I don’t have any money,” you say, “and neither does he.” That may be true now, but it may not be the case down the road. Putting aside the question of asset division, by getting married you become responsible for one another’s debts and to support the other party in the event of a divorce if that party can’t support himself/herself. Also, just by getting married you each automatically acquire rights in one another’s estate upon death. (For example, you might prefer that your 401(k) go to your beloved niece/nephew/sister/cat in the event of your death, but that won’t be an option once you’re married; it MUST go to your spouse, no matter WHAT your beneficiary designation says, or what your will provides.) There are also very significant tax consequences that flow from marriage. If you plan on filing jointly, you need to be damn sure he is responsible and pays his taxes or the IRS will come looking for YOU. (And if you decide to dodge that particular issue by filing “married filing separately,” that’s THE most expensive filing status.) And don’t get me started on the implications for your credit rating, social security, elder care, etc. I don’t doubt that the two of you would go into this with the utmost good faith, but it’s a step with huge implications.
Many of the above issues can be addressed by a prenuptial agreement. (As you’ve probably guessed by now, I’m a divorce lawyer, and have a subspecialty in prenuptial agreements.)
Good luck.
We would have a prenup, but we are both very financially responsible and would be bringing about equal assets to the table (my younger friend didn’t though because of some of the financial issues with her potential partner). I’ll doubt we’ll go through with it, but thanks for pointing out all the issues. Of course, one would be rolling the same dice with a “real” marriage as well.
And by the way, you don’t “bequeath” social security payments. Yes, you become eligible to draw social security based upon your deceased spouse’s entitlements, but I believe there is a formula that allows you to draw such benefits ONLY to the extent that they exceed your own. (For example, if you’re entitled to receive $1,200 per month, and he was entitled to receive $1,300, you’re not going to get HIS $1,300 after his death on top of YOUR $1,200; you will just get an extra $100. And, sticking with the same example, if you were to predecease him, he wouldn’t get an additional penny because his entitlement exceeds yours.) These are of course highly simplistic examples but you get my point…..
Hmmm, interesting, thanks for explaining further. I also found this, although it is still a bit confusing:
http://www.bankrate.com/system/util/print.aspx?p=/finance/retirement/social-security-benefits-marriage.aspx&s=br3&c=retirement&t=story&e=1&v=1
Who could’ve predicted this latest self-manufactured crisis? You left a job with health insurance in a terrible economy with grave uncertainty for everyone — knowing you had a pre-existing condition. Full-time work is stressful, but saner and more responsible than casting about for ways to game the system by going back to college or marrying your friend (!) Everybody hates their job, everybody works too much, but they just get on with it. Remember, you chose this route.
Fair enough but I kept that job for a good long while and saved a bit of money. If I lived in a different first world country, I wouldn’t be having this problem with health care.
Key phrase here is “first world country”: at least for some people it is still a first-world country (i.e. for you and me). When I remember how absurdly lucky I am to be educated and somewhat protected from the true suffering in this collapsing country…when I realize I have some agency because of that privilege, I suck it up and accept the consequences of my decision. “If I”… but you *don’t* live in a rational country with a sane single-payer health system — you knew that and you still jumped without a parachute. Fine. But accept the consequences with a little less self-pity. It’s insulting to all the people far worse off than you.
I love my job. I left several jobs I hated until I struck out on my own when I was 38. I kept telling myself exactly what you’re saying Shannon – that it didn’t make sense, too big a gamble, etc. When my sanity finally insisted on me making the leap – uncertainty and all – I was met with success. It was as if life was saying “It’s about time you considered ALL your needs!” I determine the number of hours I work, I live within my means, I was finally able to purchase a home and I can afford my own health insurance. It’s not an extravagant life, but I am free of the angst I thought I ‘had’ to endure, and that’s enough for me.
I believe there are times when it’s spiritual suicide to cling to a false sense of security.
Thank you. What I didn’t say to Shannon is that I’ve spent much of the last two decades in “safe” jobs, which has helped me create a nest egg but, especially with this last stressful job, has also had a very negative impact on my health. Sometimes playing it “safe” can have negative consequences. This decision to leave was not “haphazard”– I’ve been planning this for several years and taking the necessary financial precautions. The only mistake I may have made is not waiting until 2014 for the Obama healthcare plan to kick in. That would have been a year longer than I had planned to stay, but I could have made it, IF my workplace hadn’t started loading me down with even more projects, which made me go back to my original plan.
Shannon…do we want to live in an economy where people are afraid to venture off, take risks because of health insurance? This could effect the creation of new businesses, new ideas being put into motion. Also, millions get no health insurance and are completely left out even when being hard workers, having a full time job and/or giving back in some way.
Taking the precautions listed above I actually think this is a very brillant and clever idea. I say “why not”? It’s a solution. I don’t know I got a happy feeling reading about it. Maybe it is a ticket for a less stressful life.
If nothing else, the excitement of considering this option will lead to more creative thinking. Who knows where you’ll end up? Wherever it is, my money is on it being “JUST RIGHT” for you!!
What she said! 😛
@ Shannon Herself – we’re all aware of how fucked up the healthcare system is in this country. Does that mean Ranty has to chain herself to a job that literally has the potential to make her sick, when, thanks to her hardworking/thrifty habits, she’s created an opportunity to try for a more balanced and fufilling life? I for one really appreciate an honest voice like Ranty’s. Life isn’t perfect, or often even fair. We all have the right to voice our disappointments/frustrations from time to time, as a way of working issues through in a relatively safe environment – which is THE WHOLE PURPOSE OF THIS BLOG. If this was all Ranty could talk about for years on end, with endless recriminations regarding the healthcare system and no resolution, that would be one thing – but something tells me Ranty will come out of this with a workable solution to her problems. (rant over!)
Aw, thanks.
Also, last night I was out with some women… one has foregone health insurance so that she can be an entrepreneur. Another had health insurance with her job but it looks like the company is going to stop providing it.
I guess we all make the best decisions we can… I always have the option to go without until 2014, it just makes me nervous.