never land

by rantywoman

My dating history has not been quite as bleak as this woman’s, but what is interesting to me about her letter and the comments following it is that she and the other posters are all in their late thirties and forties. It seems that is the time in life in which it begins to dawn on one that things may not turn around when it comes to love:

http://womenatforty.com/2010/04/ill-be-40-soon-and-never-been-in-a-relationship-a-readers-story/

I was touched by this incredibly sensitive and perceptive response, written by a man:

Geuka Amusa | humancipate.com posted a comment in I’ll be 40 soon and never been in a relationship · 3 years ago

I’ve been meaning to respond to this post for a couple of days now and finally arrived at a place where my heart and mind were ready to collaborate and communicate.

I read this post quite a few times and I agree with so many of the encouraging words shared by previous commenters.

Let me start by saying that though we’ve never met or spoken to one another, I can say without a shadow of doubt that the five paragraphs you wrote told me the following 10 great things about you:

1. You are a thinker and a learner. You characterize this with words like “nerd” (one of my favorite personal descriptors), but you have a thirst for learning. That is the sure path towards growth.

2. You write well and have great communication skills. Your post was very clearly written and communicated so much emotion. That’s not an easy thing to do.

3. You have and are willing to face your fears. You’ve moved at least twice. In addition to often being unpleasant, moving (especially to new cities) can be scary (unfamiliar setting, lack of a support system/social network, new climate, etc). You’ve faced this fear more than once and that shows resolve.

4. You have and are willing to take an honest look at yourself. Your description of your thoughts and feelings just oozes with honesty. That honesty can be an awesome force in peeling away the beliefs you hold that aren’t true and don’t serve you. You just have to wield it.

5. You want to give the love you have inside. Your search for romantic love doesn’t come across as selfish . . . you want to love. That’s what it means to be human and I can feel your desire to fulfill this part of your destiny.

6. You are very persistent. It takes a lot of hard work and persistence to convince yourself that you’re not the magnificent being that you are.

7. You believe that there is something larger than you in this universe. This spiritual outlook on your existence evidences your humility and ability to empathize with the journey we are all on.

8. You are unique. There is no one else on the entire planet that can be a better you than you. You’ve got exclusive franchise rights and that uniqueness is a gift to the world.

9. You have great strength. Despite all of the negative things you’ve experienced, you’re still standing . . . you’re still here. That strength never leaves you. It’s a part of who you are.

10. You are not alone. Whether you’re tapping into collective consciousness or interacting with people on sites like this, you’re not alone.

I am quite certain that I’ve not even begun to scratch the surface of the greatness that is you. I’m in no way dismissing the negative experiences you’ve described, I’m just choosing to see you as separate from those experiences. When I make that choice, there’s so much greatness in plain sight.

In previous comments, both Jo & Lucinda suggested tapping into your passions and I couldn’t agree more with this sound advice. So far (based on what you wrote) you have not lived a life based on your passions. I think this is something many of us have experienced at some point in our lives for a variety of reasons. Some just haven’t ever asked themselves or been asked “What are you passionate about?” Others may have been searching for the answers for a while and not come up with anything definitive.

Whatever the reason may be I’d like to offer a book that helped me called The Passion Test, by Chris & Janet Attwood. Chris & Janet discuss why passion is such an important part of life and they take you through their process of identifying, evaluating and prioritizing your passions. Our passions are as dynamic as we are. Just as the “now” version of me is a lot different than the twenty year old version was, our passions often change or at the very least, change in priority as our life progresses. This marvelous tool can serve you for years to come.

You offered many labels for yourself in this post. My comment has offered a few additional ones for you to consider. Here’s my last one. Love is who we are . . . it’s who you are too.

“Count your blessings. Once you realize how valuable you are and how much you have going for you, the smiles will return, the sun will break out, the music will play, and you will finally be able to move forward with the life that God intended for you.”
Og Mandino
1923-1996, Author and Speaker

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