inventories
by rantywoman
http://www.salon.com/2013/01/18/no_more_slackers_please/
Q: The biggest problem that I see is expectations. I am looking for someone who will, and wants to, complement and enhance my life. Someone that sees what I’m doing and thinks, “That’s cool, I’d like to be involved with that stuff and this is someone I’d like to introduce to the cool stuff I’m interested in.” What I seem to find is, “Wanna hook up?” and “If you’re so busy, what do you want a relationship for?” Occasionally I do run into a slacker type, whom I let hang on for way too long, who doesn’t have stable employment or a car or a stable living situation; who loves that I have a nice place to live, cook for myself and own my own car and absolutely loves the way I enhance their lives until I get so fed up I scream and throw them out.
My mom isn’t much help either. Mom thinks I really need to lower my expectations: If I want a man in my life, I need to be prepared to feed him, take care of him, tend to him and he’ll stay. That’s it, that’s all I personally get out of it, a guy that stays. Asking for anything more is way beyond what a male human is capable of…
A: …it sounds like you are meeting most of your needs already. My guess is that you have a good job and a nice place to live, and you have friends and family. You are engaged intellectually and are healthy. You are not suffering from depression or drug addiction. No one is trying to kill you and you are not receiving threatening phone calls in the middle of the night. No one in your family has suddenly turned against you. Your ex-husband is not drinking himself to death. A long-lost half-sister has not showed up at your door with a crack habit. No sudden bankruptcies have occurred. You have not been fired for no reason or turned down for a grant in favor of someone stupider than you. You have both feet and both hands. Your eyesight is pretty good. There are no children to take care of and thus no financial pressures and no emotionally draining daily routines. You like your clothes. You have a TV and a car. The commute is not grueling.
So meantime seek greater wisdom and peace in your life. Do it now, while things are good. Seek greater knowledge. Evolve. Do the thing you have always wanted to do, now, while you are happy and there is time. Is there a place you have wanted to visit? Go there. Have you always wanted to learn the piano or play the drums? Do it. Follow your passions for growth and change. It may be that now is not the time for a committed relationship with a man. Don’t worry about that. There are many ways to have sex and many ways to have friendship and many ways to satisfy your curiosity about the world.
thebitterbabe 
I notice that in her letter she describes herself as ‘childless and mid-thirties’ but that doesn’t seem to come up again. Although I love his advice, he seems to have missed the point that it “not being the time” to be in a relationship may not be entirely true if she wants to be a mother. Other than that, I love his advice and wish someone had given it to me!
Years and years ago I wrote a columnist about my frustrations about being unable to find a partner, and he wrote back that “not every woman gets a man,” that there just weren’t enough good ones to go around. It angered me at the time, and I find it somewhat sad that, in effect, Cary is telling her to give up on finding a partner, but at the same time, I now recognize how good this advice is. Basically that is what I’m doing now, concentrating on the growth that is available to me and the time I have to pursue it.
I like the columnist’s take – compartmentalizing/prioritizing needs.
I ‘ve started – reluctantly – to pragmatically evaluate my own expectations and abilities in the companionship realm. (I may want a rock star, but can I even carry a tune myself?) I am now toying with the idea that maybe I am just one of those people not “built” for lasting coupledom……there have to be a few in every generation, to fulfill the cosmic balance, right? 😉 These thoughts do leave me feeling a bit queasy, but perhaps they could be alleviated, if I break the problem down into smaller bits.
– Financial security/ comfortable lifestyle? – check (at least for now – that may change if I take the plunge and go back to school, to get a degree in a profession I have always felt is my vocation).
– Activity partners/ affection? check – I’ve been making inroads in the friendship realm recently, especially at work, and that really adds light and fun to my daily grind.
– Emotional intimacy/loyalty/shared history? – still a work in progress, at least in my daily life (most of my family and oldest /closest friends live overseas, and the links I’ve made here are promising, but are still fragile + rather shallow)
– Sex/flirting/feeling desired? – that’s the big hurdle these days….due to personal inhibitions & medical baggage, casual sex has never felt like an option for me. But maybe I should just devote more energy to “getting over myself” and learning to enjoy physical intimacy without the promise of relationship attached?