a new year

by rantywoman

Having recently stopped my search for marriage and babies and adopted a laissez-faire approach to dating, I’ve found myself almost manic with newfound enthusiasm and interests. I have always had other interests, but with the marriage/babies concern taking up an inordinate amount of space on my hard drive, I was slowed down and distracted. Suddenly I’m speeded up. The pile of books at my bedside threatens to topple over at this point.

Since this may be my last year, possibly even my last few months, in fair L.A., I’ve further decided to explore the city to its fullest, restoring my initial wonder upon arriving here six years ago. I may or may not pick up friends and dates along the way, but I plan to embrace this place in all its weirdness, a la The Big Lebowski. And it is that weird.

In this spirit, I dusted off an old resolution and will push myself to try something new every week. This past week I went to lunch with a few women from a new yoga class. I’d been invited before but had felt shy. I’m glad I went, as two of them are from my former city of residence, two are dancers, and one has my same autoimmune condition, so there was a surprising sense of connection.

In regard to other new beginnings, my single friend who had a baby using donor sperm and elected upon another round has just given birth to her twins. A few years ago I would have been horrified at her hubris, but now I think it could work out, and I mildly wonder if I should have taken the same chances. But it’s too late and I don’t feel much emotion about it. I can now more easily wish her the best.

I also stumbled upon another old acquaintance from high school on Facebook. She was a pretty child, a pretty teenager, and is now a pretty adult. She’s married, in the same city, two kids. A few years ago I would have scoffed at her in self-defense, thinking she must be boring. In fact, I probably would find her a bit boring, but her life has probably been a lot less stressful and in many ways a lot healthier than mine. That gets me to another resolution, which is to keep up my stress-relieving practices and physical activities, since I can overcompensate intellectually for the lack of intimate relations in my life. I also remind myself that all my other less-pretty friends are also married, so in the end, looks aren’t the deciding factor.

Overall I feel ready for a fresh start, as last year was about processing and letting go of my anger. Another great post on Gateway Women about this:


This is what I felt a lot of last year– intensely– but it has subsided:

It’s not fair. It’s not fair. It’s not fair. I get it. Life isn’t fair. Bad things happen to good people. Good things happen to bad people. And that bitch got to be a mother and you didn’t.