requirements
by rantywoman
Millennial women have taken it for granted that they will pair up with equal partners. But increasingly, there aren’t enough of these men to go around. Women now outnumber men on college campuses, and single, childless women out earn their male counterparts. In fact, as author Liza Mundy writes in her book, The Richer Sex, Millennial women are increasingly finding two options when it comes to romance: marry down or don’t marry. “There needs to be a cognitive behavior change in what are [considered] important traits,” says Mundy. “I talk to so many women who are obsessed with finding men on their level. They want someone as ambitious, engaged, and high-achieving as they are. They maybe need to rethink that to seek a partner who is supportive, rather than competitive.”
Or, accomplished women hold firm in searching for impressive men to help them feel they are getting anything out of the partnership. “They have this list of qualities (smart, has a job, knows something about culture or the world, etc) that seem pretty reasonable, but so few men meet the requirements,” says Melanie Shreffler, a marketing consultant on Millennial culture. “Going back centuries, it was just a contract between two parties. Love and even friendship or liking each other weren’t important. If you were lucky, they developed over time. But now, we think we can find a guy who will be our best friend, our other half, who we will love before we marry. Finding that in a guy that we also find attractive makes the probability of finding a “good match” even less.”
thebitterbabe 
a lot of their standards are way too high and unrealistic
Really? I think “smart, has a job, knows something about the world” seems kinda baseline.
I kind of agree with The Great Surge here. Yes, of course “smart has job knows something about the world” is basic (for all people), but of course the problem is this is entirely subjective. What is smart? I would rate that as a Masters degree as the norm, someone else might see it as being witty and outgoing. But the person that is witty may have no degree, and the person with a Masters may be quite introverted. Or knowing about the world? What does this consist of? I work in overseas aid – as does everyone I know (or similar fields) so a innate understanding of the world/cultures/most conflicts etc is taken for granted, but this also means that a fuller understanding or involvement in say, the local PTA at home is not possible. Or does it just mean knowing basic world points. Does it entail reading the NYT and Foreign Policy as the norm, or not really reading them but still friendly with people no matter where they are from? And, of course, men (and women) in international fields rarely marry or have kids because the work – being overseas etc – does not enable them the opportunity. Or with regard to “has a job” – ok, so what job? Is a plumber ok – a funny, clever, witty plumber? – Or does it really refer to an MBA in a great financial positions, but actually who is self-absorbed and ambitious to the point of it being a problem? What about a freelance writer with off-hours and no real financial stability, but is funny, kind and knows about the world? Or a writer who had work and is a great writer but is now out of work? I suspect a Plumber or out-of-work freelance writer does not measure up.
The real issue with all this is how it’s framed – the whole excerpt above just smacks of this whole “God! We are Soooooo Fabulous!! All our Girlfriends tell us so, so it Must be true…I’m not settling for that lame loser” – without any self-reflection on what the woman has to offer. Their job, their understanding of the world, their level of intelligence and how it matches up with what a man would want. The whole conversation is unequal. Surely, if there are exacting standards that women strongly apply (and I say that as a woman) than there needs to be an understanding of what men would want as well. As men’s views of what they want in a woman tends to be the not the same. In my experience, ambitious older (40’s) men want a wife that’s kind, interested, laid back, fertile (if they want kids), etc. Ultimately men and women need to compromise in order to find their best friend/perfect match. I met my husband 23 years ago and we are definitely best friends/soul match and all that, but then we were both young when we met and have similar aims/jobs etc now, but I wonder if the issue is that when younger women are able to see men as just “guys” rather than something that has to checked off on a list of perfect traits.
I have certainly known women who seemed unreasonably “picky,” but then I’ve known lots of single women who were quite reasonable in what they wanted but couldn’t find it. Also, the Millenials, and to a certain extent Generation X, are the first generations in which there aren’t enough college-educated men for college-educated women, so I think we have to cut these women some slack. This is the first time they are being asked to date someone less educated, which frankly I think is more difficult for women than it is for men. These are also the first generations in which women are being asked to date men who don’t have the means to support a family. So these are enormous changes for people to absorb.
but a lot of them have unrealistic standards which will eventually lead to them being single
Hi Ranty,
I can’t reply to your comment, so I will here: Yes, fair point – I agree with all you say and I think we women that are Gen X age or just above (I’ve not heard “Millenials” before!) were at the cusp of such enormous change with regard to rights, possibility for postgraduate education, the ability to control our reproduction etc….just no one told the guys. The world – and of course, biology – have stayed the same (the latter especially, even with advances in IVF). I think there was this push to allow girls the ability to reach for the stars (and thank god) but without any real changes in terms of understanding that biology will play a part if kids come into the picture or opps of good childcare, equal pay, etc. The reality seems to be women that end up often bearing the brunt of it all: working + childcare (if kids are in the picture) + (often) housework etc.
My issue I suppose is that I think there needs to be a balancing out of expectations – and upping equality…and of course less overwhelming emphasis on the whole false girl power movement towards real equality and emphasis on equal choices…if that makes sense? (it probably doesn’t…I’m too tired to frame my thoughts properly!)
Yes, agree with all of it!