I realized recently that every time I’ve ventured out alone these past few months– to a used bookstore, a beach watering hole, a meditation class, a jazz club– I’ve met a man. It hasn’t gone beyond flirtatious conversation and the decision by one or both parties to leave it at that, but I can’t complain.
Recently I had a really nice conversation with a man, someone who has lived his life “outside of the mainstream” as he described it, and when I googled him later realized he was close to sixty. A friend of mine, a woman my age (early forties), is embarking on her second relationship in the past two years with a man in that age range. After mulling it over, though, I’ve decided that however sexy, sweet, and mellowed I occasionally find the late fifties/early sixties man, that scenario is not for me.
If I believed that having a romantic relationship, any romantic relationship, was the most important thing in life, I might be more willing. But monogamous relationships have opportunity costs, taking me away from other things I could be doing, and if the person is much younger or much older, they may end up taking me away from the age-appropriate tasks that are important for me to go through.
It feels almost revolutionary, even in this day and age, to decide that my development is as important as being involved with a man, but there it is. I’m still hoping to find the person who feels right, but I’m willing to hold out, having my own fun and growing along the way.
Just love and am so inspired by your blog…
I know a couple, first marry for both, she is 43 and he is 58. They just had a baby. And neither one of them looks/seems/act younger than their age. Also, although the husband has a good long term job– he is not celebrity-like wealthy.
I am just going to say– I find it kind of weird to be first time parents (especially 58) so late in the game.
I love that you are still reading! I don’t think my friends would recognize this blog as me if they read it… sometimes I don’t! It’s like I’m channeling the emotions and writing from from my subconscious and the environment.
I know of many similar couples, some with babies, but I don’t think I could do it. Ten years older is about as far as I can stretch.
I have been having similar thoughts about a gentleman I met earlier this year…we’ve been out casually a few times, and am teetering over whether to let things evolve romantically or not. He’s kind, smart, solvent, we have a good banter thing going and also seem to share similar values. One thing I am a bit uneasy about, however, is that I suspect he is at least in his mid-fifties, i.e. 15-20 years older than me. I do feel superficial for dwelling on an aspect about him that is not a character flaw, especially as I have started to move past the idea of having children, and tend to be attracted to older men anyways (but usually in the 5-10 yr, not 15-20 yr range!) but I can’t help it . I still yearn for a long term relationship with someone my age (give or take up to a decade!) , someone to grow old with… but I also freely admit that I’m lonely , and am starting to lose faith that my dream will materialize. So….carpe diem’s the way to go I guess?
Yes, it is a dilemma. One thing that makes me angry is I can’t imagine the reverse– one of my single early-forties male friends suddenly showing up with a fiftysomething woman on his arm.
I’m with you, if the number of couples where women were significantly older than their men equalled the ones where the men were nearly old enough to be their partner’s father, I might be more comfortable with the idea. Not to mention, I get the feeling that men prefer the younger women because they find them more physically attractive than women their own age. Works both ways in that I don’t find men significantly older than me to be physically attractive either.
Right! Although….come to think of it, I do know three female friends/ coworkers in their mid thirties/ early forties who are married or partnered to men 3-10 years younger….maybe the late Gen X/ early Millennial males are more open minded to that sort of combo? (just a bit too young for us, eh? 😉
Interesting! I was recently asked out by a thirty-year-old– he felt too young for me. He wasn’t immature, it’s just that 30 seems a long time ago to me now.