bring out the drums
by rantywoman
This is my twelfth Christmas without a partner, and yet… I’m happy this year. I have gone to some fun parties, attended a holiday variety show last night, am seeing my favorite band tonight, and am going to another holiday show tomorrow night with a bunch of friends. My mom is coming in town and we’ll be visiting several fancy restaurants. I’ve even swung some days off (my company only gives us one day off for Christmas and since it doesn’t slow down at the workplace, I’ve had some extremely stressful holiday seasons in the past).
I really felt a sea change in my attitude this year. Instead of thinking about everything I didn’t have for yet another year in a row, I found myself looking forward to all the things I was going to do. In essence, it gets better, but I love this Gateway Women post, because it makes such good points about acknowledging one’s grief:
http://gateway-women.com/2012/12/19/childless-at-christmas-the-perfect-storm/#comments
Some of the really hard to manage feelings that come up around Christmas-time are some of the hardest human emotions to deal with – feelings of worthlessness, inferiority, anger, loneliness, futility, isolation and depression. At a time when everyone else seems to be getting into the holiday spirit, feelings like this can make us feel like freaks. However, what these feelings may point to is not that you are a miserable old humbug but that you are grieving. Because we live in a culture that neither recognises nor acknowledges the right of childless women to grieve, we often don’t realise ourselves that that’s what’s going on. If you had lost your family through a tragic accident, nobody (including yourself) would expect you to be able to join in the Christmas celebrations until you had fully grieved your shocking loss. And, frankly, nobody (including yourself) would ever expect Christmas to be slam-dunk easy for you. Our children are, or were, real to us. And we grieve their absence.
thebitterbabe 
Ranty
I’m so pleased that you are in a better place this Christmas, and are enjoying the holidays already. For me, the beginning of the dialogue that helped me process my grief was the blog that became Gateway Women – the dialogue being the comments and identifications that come from women like us from all over the world. Knowing that I was not alone, and not crazy, was the affirmation I needed to move forward with my life. I’ve been watching something similar happening with you, as far as I can tell through a computer screen…
Although involuntary childlessness is not something we ever ‘get over’ entirely (it’s the loss of a family, not the flu!) we can expand our self-definition to include it, and grow our hearts around it. For each one of us who finds our way through this grief, and who generously shares her inner world in the process like you have, there will be others that we take along with us. I’m sure your blog has been a lifeline for many – it’s certainly been a steady companion for me all year and a powerful testament of a mind and heart coming to terms with a situation that even the kindest most thoughtful people don’t seem to ‘get’.
I’ve been getting some heart-breaking emails from women all over the world in response to my ‘Childless at Christmas’ blog. So much pain hidden behind false smiles or unable even to bear attending celebrations. I’ve been there, you’ve been there. We are both proof that processing grief isn’t like disappearing into a bottomless pit, even if it does feel like that at times! There is life at the end of the tunnel.
With love & hugs from your sister-in-arms in London
Jody x
http://www.gateway-women.com
Yes, Jody, I feel like we have been in dialogue back and forth over the past year–I am often reposting the articles from Gateway Women Daily.
I really meant it when I wrote I had nothing but enthusiasm for the holidays this year. I also have to credit kundalini yoga with the fact that physically, I’m feeling fantastic these days, stronger and more flexible than ever.
Part of “it gets better” may be that I’ve reached that magical age where I’m no longer wondering, and plotting, and wringing my hands over my slipping chance to have a family. Certainly this blog (and yours, along with our commenters) helped me make it through the end of that tunnel.
I do also try to make a point of recognizing, forgiving, and honoring the places where I’m still vulnerable, which is one reason I backed out of attending that after-wedding party. Still not healed there yet.
So glad to hear your workshops are going well, and I love hearing that women in our situation are connecting and supporting each other through this season!
bitterbabe and jodykat – you are my heroes. thank you for your blogs!
Thank you– now for my next post, “snags.”
My nickname in my office at this time of year is the grinch, it’s not that I don’t like Christmas but I find it hard, there are no children in my family so it is strange to have a completely adult festive celebration as it is so aimed at children.
This year for the first time I since a child I am looking forward to it, for the first time in a long time I have booked holiday from work and I have decorated my flat.
Here’s to the festive season may it be a very very happy one x
Yeah! Glad you are also feeling the holiday spirit.
Adding my voice to the chorus….so happy to have found this blog, it’s been an extra tool in my “carpe diem’ box these days and like you, I think I have rarely felt so serene and hopeful during the winter holiday season. Happy Solstice everyone! 🙂
Thank you!