shadows

by rantywoman

Considering that all my initial plans to spend this vacation amongst friends fell through, I’ve been managing quite well.  My days are full of activity, I have yet to feel bored, and I’m looking forward to seeing old friends once the reunion begins.

As soon as I put my head on the hotel pillow at night, however, that old familiar unease resurfaces.  It has followed me across the country.  Just like at home, I have to go through a half hour to an hour of feeling ill-at-ease about my aloneness before I can fall asleep.

It occurred to me today as I was tooling around that if I had gone to college in my home state and settled there I would likely be married with kids just like all those people from my youth.  Or if I had stayed in this state after college and kept the same lifestyle, perhaps it would have been easier to meet someone. Of if I had headed to Los Angeles for college and then worked my way up through the Industry right after, I would definitely be much further socially and personally.

Instead I am living the proverbial nine lives.  I’m happy to have experienced so much, and yet the dark shadows won’t leave my bedside.